I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I stalked the Big Love again on Facebook. That damn website is actually the devil. In fact, with websites like that, no wonder relationships these days are so dysfunctional. How are you expected to get over an ex when all you need to do is go over to Facebook, type in their name and cry over images of their life that show them looking so happy, even though appearances can be deceiving and the grass probably isn’t greener over on that side of the world?
He bought his girlfriend a fucking cat. So, ladies and gentlemen; this may seem pathetic to you, but this one gesture to his loved one has made me realize exactly how badly that utter asshole treated me. He used to taunt me with the idea of a kitten. He’d go through the local classified ads and show me pictures of cute kittens and baby American bulldog puppies – the same puppy he bought her just a little while ago. Can you sense my anger? He’d taunt me with these images, making me think he would let me get a pet. He’d always end up saying the same thing – “No, we can’t have pets here”.
It wasn’t just pets he used to hold over me like a sick form of torture. He did the same thing with sex. He also did the same thing with money. He did the same thing about my status in his country. He kept assuring me that he would sponsor me yet couldn’t quite commit to getting the paperwork together with me. He used to get into bed with me and start a fight over literally anything and everything, to the point where I couldn’t do anything – everything I did would be wrong in his eyes, and then refuse to have sex with me at all. I used to earn my own money but he used to make sure I remembered how easily it would be for him to take it away, alongside the art work I had bought and become very attached to that blessed the walls of our beautifully decorated little house.
We really were not good together. I brought out every bad flaw in him. He did the same for me too. I really can’t have been easy to live with during the worst times in our relationship. I know it wasn’t all his fault – I need to accept some of the responsibility myself, but he really didn’t make things any easier for us.
Why is she getting all the best of him and all I seemed to get was the worst? I used to pay for shit on his behalf. I paid his Baby Momma a bunch of times, and I even paid off his ex-wife for when they got divorced. It was MY money that made that house as beautiful as it was. It was MY money that allowed him to have a certain type of lifestyle. He had to jump right on into a new relationship once I was out of the picture – there was no way he could have afforded his lifestyle on his own. He NEEDS her. And if not her, it would be someone else. Anyone will do. That’s why she’s not the skinny yet curvaceous girl he tells everyone he wants.
I was so angry by the kitten post he had put up that I NEEDED to message him. So I did.
“Hey Big Love. Any more news on that skydiving DVD? Cheers!”
It’s the one thing that I left on the other side of the world that I REALLY want back. I think that’s why he hasn’t sent it over to me yet – he knows I’ll message him again when he forgets. If he sends it back, there will be no reason for me to message him. That’s what I like to think anyway.
It was hardly the angry message I wish I had sent but it would be like a jab to him and I know it. I also know that she probable sees or has access to his Facebook account, just like I used to have, and will probably see it too. I hope it causes a damn fight. I hope it makes him think about me. That’s exactly what I sent it. It’s childish but true. I’m not even sorry about it.
Sometimes I think I really could be over him. Like last week, for example. I’ve been so into Jock recently that Big Love hasn’t even entered my mind. Now I’ve come home and I’ve had a bit of time to myself, he’s popped back up like an ugly shadow. It hits me like a brick when I realize each time how much I still miss him. Or the lifestyle. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just THAT side of the world I miss. I like to think it’s him.
Whatever it is, I can’t believe she got the puppy AND the kitten! Bitch.