I am such a fucking idiot.

So Thursday night I went out with a couple of my work colleagues for a “training” evening. That training evening ended up being a pub quiz with a FREE BAR. It would have been rude not to have taken advantage, right?

So I got merrily plastered/shit-faced/ball-bagged/hammered…. Whatever eloquent word you decide to use for the occasion. I also started opening my mouth….

Jock was messaging me. He’s smitten with me. We’re back to the smitten word again. Didn’t I have this exact same issue with OB? The whole smitten debate? What does the word mean? I know Jock hasn’t exactly said the words “I love you” yet, but he has basically had them tattooed on himself. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I came right out and fucking said it:

“I think I love you a little bit”

Well didn’t I just go right out there and shout it out? What a twat. Why did I have to say those words? Why did I have to drink and text? Whyyyyyy?

Clearly I must have meant the words. I wouldn’t have said them otherwise. I fall in love at the drop of the hat, it would seem, but I’m certainly not someone that throws the L-word around. I don’t say it unless I mean it. It’s just sometimes I don’t actually mean it for all that long. I’m a fickle bitch, what can I say?

I don’t understand why I felt the need to say that to him. I wasn’t sure in my own head whether or not I was really there yet. Why on earth would I have blurted it out like that? Why?

The next morning I got the text that I had been expecting:

“Aww. You were lovely last night. We mini rawr at each other”

Yep, he wants to talk about it. He’s going to want to discuss this new-found L-word situation we got going on here. Fuck.

I told him outright – I don’t want to talk about it right now. I certainly don’t want to discuss it over text message. I was too hungover. I don’t not mean it. But I don’t know if I’m brave enough to mean it. How on earth do I explain this sort of stuff to a man? That’s pretty much what I said to him and he didn’t contest it, so I guess for now I’ve managed to brush it under the carpet. I wouldn’t imagine that’s the last I’ll hear about it though. The Bestie has been mocking the situation and the fact that I said it repeatedly.

God I’m such a tit.

I was watching Sex and the City the other day – in a bid to get my writing mojo back and actually earn some money; I watched the entire six seasons of the show, one after the other. I actually think I could watch it every day and not get bored of it. My writing projects included sex and relationship advice, and I thought the show would give me a helping hand for some inspiration.

It was the one where Carrie and Aidan broke up the second time that made me stop my writing. She locks herself in the bathroom for three hours to avoid watching him leave her apartment and, all of a sudden, I remembered every bad breakup I’ve ever had. Was I really ready to go through that yet again?

I know Jock will be a massive deal to me if I let him into my life. He’s not going to be someone that fleetingly pops in and exits just as suddenly. I think Jock and I could have something truly magical if we gave it a shot. Logically though; is he really going to be the one that I “end up” with?

What are the chances of him being the one that I end up staying with until we get old? After every failed relationship in my past, I’ve got more and more cynical, and more than a little bitter. Can I truly believe that there is that one special person out there made just for me? I thought that Big Love had been that guy for me for so long, and a part of me still believes that to be true. He’s still with his girlfriend though. They will be coming up to a year and a half soon, I believe. I wonder if things will go downhill for them like it did with me, his wife and the other women before us? Part of me hopes that his relationship will fall apart. Part of me wants him to be happy. I have a new toy though (Jock) – every time I get a new man, I forget about Big Love for a little while. He always finds his way back in though.

What I’m trying to say in a roundabout sort of way is that I’m far too cynical to believe that Jock will be that guy for me. That means that we are going to break up at some point. It could be tomorrow. It could be a year down the line. It might even be in ten years time. But realistically, do I see us being together forever? No, of course I don’t. I’m in my late-twenties. I have many more bad dates and shit shags ahead of me. If I fall in love with him, I’m going to have to deal with another gut-wrenching, soul-shaking, heart-breaking separation. Am I ready to jump in and potentially put myself through that all over again? I don’t know if I can. I don’t think I’m ready yet.

Soul Mates?

I need to have this conversation with Jock but I know what will happen if I do. Sometimes I ask what I did to deserve him, because he really does spoil me. He always replies with the same thing – he is going to undo all the shit things that all the bad men have ever done to me. He’s my silver lining. That’s what he tells me. Can I believe that to be true? Would you?

If I tell him that I’m scared, he’ll kiss me and make me feel better. He’d say all the right things. He’ll tell me that he’ll never hurt me or make me cry. He’ll tell me that he will make me happy every day for the rest of our lives. He’s sure talking the talk, but can he walk the walk?

I’d fall for it if we had THAT conversation. His warm arms and beautiful eyes would suck me in, and once in, I don’t think I’d easily get out. He’s infectious. He’s never down. He’s never negative. There are so many things about him that I thought I would find fault with, but I appear to be looking right past them, rather than focusing on them. It’s like an addiction – I know he’ll probably be bad for me, but I’m gonna go right ahead and do it anyway.

I’m seeing him later. We happened to have the same two days off together, but I told him that I could only manage the one night with him. He’s fine with that. He’s playing it cool, I think, because he knows my schedule has been an issue with guys in the past. I’m not sure what our plans are, but I don’t know if I want to see him so soon after the L-word popped up. I’m not going to cancel on him because I know how excited he is to see me. I wish I could though. I don’t want to have the inevitable conversation with him.

Me and my big mouth. Pffft.

3 thoughts on “I am such a fucking idiot.

  1. Oh god I fall in love at the drop of a hat too … I’m 20 odd years older than you too … So honey if this is your then this is your way! The break ups are shite but the start ups are damn wonderful … Life on a roller coaster 🙂 x

    • Hmmm glad it’s not just me! I’m getting too old for the rollercoaster. I don’t want to ride the rollercoaster anymore hahaha! 🙂

  2. Scary stuff, but if you really like him then GO WITH IT. Much easier than said, I know. Opening up yourself to the possibility of getting hurt is so bloody scary, but he does sound lovely. And, if you never open yourself up you could miss out on what sounds like a really good thing…

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