Love Puff.

Ladies, I want to talk about something that we probably aren’t meant to talk about. I want to talk about the Love Puff. The Queef. The Fanny Fart. Whatever it is that you want to call it – the expulsion of air from the vagina after or during intercourse. You know what I’m talking about.

Va-ChinaWell, I did my first love puff in front of Jock. And it was mortifying. He had happily been pumping away while I was on all fours and once he was done, he stepped back. There it went – the love puff. And I’m not talking about a little noise. Oh no. I’m talking about the Queen of all Love Puffs. Queen Love Puff.

We both tried to ignore it but it was so loud, there was no way. It was one of the most horrible moments of my life. It was that moment that the romance of the situation – the innocence of our new relationship, went out the window.

He now knows that I love puff. Before he didn’t know that I love puff. Now he knows. I know it’s a normal body reaction that happens sometimes during sex. He knows this too. Christ, he’s in his mid-thirties. He should know how this shit works by now.

Isn’t it still the most mortifying thing on the planet though, ladies? Honestly, I’ve not even farted in front of him yet and my vagina has gone all trumpet-playing on his ass. What the fuck? Why did this have to happen?

What are you supposed to do when you love puff? Are you meant to ignore it and hope that he does too? But then what happens if you ignore it and he laughs? Or even worse than that – recoils in disgust? Do you laugh it off and show you have a sense of humor about the whole thing? What if you laugh and he doesn’t?

Do you have a love puff survival guide? What do you do? As much as you don’t want to talk about it, come on; admit it happens and tell me how you deal with it. Thankfully, we got over it and despite the fact the noise repeats in my head and I get all embarrassed from time to time, I don’t think it has affected our relationship. Luckily, he hasn’t even made it into a joke which I think shows true restraint on his side. I am impressed by this.

I know that I keep going back to this whole “small penis” thing, which to be fair is a little on the harsh side. He is hardly smaller than average – just smaller than I’m used to. I think I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been pretty spoilt in the penis department. However, I think the fact that he is smaller than I’m used to has a lot to do with the problems that we have come across so far in the bedroom. Or out of it. If he had been anyone else, I wouldn’t still be hanging around. Would I? I’m pretty shallow. Sex is very important to me. I would have imagined our problems would have put me off. But they haven’t – we have just worked on solutions.

But anyway. There you have it. The love puff. Ugh, cringe!

Rawr?

I can’t make my mind up about Jock. Our last date, which I am well overdue in talking about by the way, was perfect. He picked me up and we spent the evening in his room, watching DVD’s, getting naked and having the most amazing sex. It was passionate and slow, biting, scratching, sweaty, heat wave sex. The next day we did the same. DVD’s playing in the background, and aside from when I started doing some writing work and he went out to get me KFC, we basically napped, fucked and kissed away the entire day.

He had cooked me dinner the night before and it was lovely. He is everything I think I need from a guy. He is enough to keep me on my toes, I think, and I also think that a man like that could lead to my perfect relationship. At the same time however, there are a few things that are starting to drive me a little crazy.

The 4am sex. Now normally I would love 4am sex but because he’s a small guy “down there” and he’s not exactly slim; spooning sex doesn’t work. It was frustrating, annoying and it really pissed me off. He had awoken my insomnia and didn’t even get me off. I was one pissed off little cookie when I stormed off downstairs to get a drink and have a cigarette. Oh yes. I’m back to part-time smoking again.

He can’t be serious about anything. Ever. It is driving me insane. We’ll have these super cute yet serious little chats that are almost leading to something cute and meaningful, and he always fucks it up by adding some dumb little joke at the end of it. I can’t work out if he’s trying to play it cool, is deliberately trying to remind me that he doesn’t want anything serious, or is just a 30-something year old man that hasn’t quite grown up yet. It’s the most infuriating thing in the world. I’m having to wait a few moments after his sentences to make sure that he doesn’t say something funny and then me end up saying something that makes me look like a fool.

See, when the annoying little things come along, I think to myself – right, he’s not going to work for you. But then he does something awesome and all of a sudden, all I wanna say is the L-word. I think.

We had some serious passionate, hot, sweaty, heat wave sex. And I mean serious. It was hot. If I was his neighbor, I’d want to watch that shit. It was amazing. It was so … hot. I wanted to shout “Rawr!” the whole way through. I put that down to my hormones and went about my way.

With Jock there is a positive for every negative and it is driving me freakin’ crazy. I can’t work it out. It’s like I can’t get enough of him when we are around each other, and then when we are living our own lives, I’m not bothered in the slightest. I mean, I miss him and all, but it’s not a passionate yearning that I would normally associate with “being in love!”

He turns me on immensely, however. The way he looks at me makes me feel a million dollars and I know it’s not bullshit I see in his eyes – he’s lusting after me. It’s the biggest confidence booster in the world. It’s a look that you can’t describe; you can just experience. I’m riding him in ways I’m pretty sure I’ve never ridden someone before. It’s daytime sex too – not just the lights-off stuff. I feel good about myself. He makes me feel good about myself.

I decided it was time for the pros and cons debate again. We gotta think about things logically, right?

I’ll start with the pros:

  1. He makes me laugh. He is one of the funniest guys I’ve ever met. I can really let go and giggle with him.
  2. He makes me feel a million bucks. We’ve discussed this already.
  3. He’s young at heart.
  4. He’s got that older, graying, totally tattooed hot thing going on about him that I didn’t realize I liked until I started dating him. I think he is hot as hell. I don’t think he realizes this but honestly, right now, he is the hottest man in the world to me.
  5. He’s unpredictable. It’s awesome.
  6. He can cook! He’s a fully qualified chef. I’m gonna get wined & dined for sure!
  7. He has the quirkiest dress sense which makes me bring out my quirky side more and I LOVE it!
  8. He’s generous. He’s always paying for stuff and it’s nice. Very old-fashioned and gentlemanly. I like that he pays for me but at the same time, I like the way that he lets me pay for stuff occasionally too.
  9. He’s lived a thousand lives so he gives my stories a run for his money and we always have something to talk about.
  10. He’s “alternative” – as in, ticking the heavily tattooed or pierced box. I have many facial piercings. Hot facial piercings though; not scary, death-metal ones. Again, this is going to bring out my badass side. I’m already planning my next tattoo because he’s got a new one.
  11. He’s a very friendly person. Just in general – he’s nice to people. I love that about him.
  12. He’s very intelligent. He knows a lot. Again – he’s giving me a run for my money.
  13. He’s got a lovely motorbike. It’s not on the road but I sense it will be soon.
  14. He has a nice car too. Me and that car have chemistry. Oh the memories…. 😉
  15. I love the “alternative” appeal that we would have together as a couple. I love how intimidating we must look when we are together. He looks older than he is and I look younger than I am, especially when I wear the cute outfits and the pigtails. I know that we make an odd-looking couple, yet a good-looking couple at the same time, and that makes me feel good when I am out and about with him. Does this make sense?
  16. He has the cutest belly. It’s soft and I think he wants to be more toned than he is, but honestly, I think it’s heaven. I love touching it, rubbing it, resting my head on it… It’s actually heaven for me.
  17. He’s a real man – he get’s dirty, he smells like a real man, he’s hairy… Grrrr. It really turns me on. Everything about him seems to really turn me on.
  18. He gets me really wet. Enough said.
  19. I love his accent.
  20. He’s quite touchy-feely. I didn’t think I liked that but with him, I seem to be really diggin’ it!

I could probably go on with the pros list for some time…. He seems to have a lot of them. I’m going to move swiftly on to the cons, but to be fair, I think I’ve already pretty much made my point.

The cons:

  1. His penis is smaller than I’m used to. Spooning sex doesn’t work. Certain doggy positions make me “Love Puff” – we will talk about this at a later date. When he’s on top, we have more of a bump & grind than a thrust. It’s little things but important things to me. Hmmm.
  2. He can’t ever be serious – I’ve already covered this.
  3. He’s the same height as me which means that I can’t really wear heels around him. He likes it when a woman is taller than him in heels but I can’t stand it. He has to be my support. When he’s shorter than me, it just doesn’t work.

Well that can’t be it, can it? That’s all I’ve got so far? 3 cons? That’s nothing. There’s gotta be more than this.

There you have it. The pros versus the cons. I guess I’ve pretty much answered my own question. I guess I’ve pretty much just made my own mind up. And man, you should see us. We sure got chemistry. Maybe I just need to be less guarded? Maybe I just need to let him in a little more and stop playing it quite so cool. Although I’ve thought about saying the L-word, I don’t think I’m quite there yet. I think I’m still partly in the lust phase of the relationship and until I’m out of that, I don’t trust my own L-word. I know this for sure – I’m not going to be the one who says it first. I know he did the “Rawr” thing, but I mean the actual words… “I Love You!”

Ride Him like Seabiscuit

What Are Your Views on One Night Stands?

In the current world of dating, you will notice that it appears to be a very fast moving one, especially with the introduction of online dating sites. You meet a person, have a great evening, possibly fall in bed and then realize in the morning that you don’t have all that much in common and although you had a good night, you would rather not lead the relationship any further.

Is that bad?

One night stands seem to be somewhat of a taboo subject, even in today’s rather open-minded society. Sex is everywhere but apparently, it is still not allowed when you are not in a relationship!

I have a bunch of friends that always fight about this. There is the one girl that we shall call *Katy. She embarks on a string of one night stands, one after the other, and has a whale of a time! Then there is another girl, we shall call her *Clarissa. She hates the thought of having sex with a man that she is not in love with and refuses to have any part in any conversation regarding this topic.

Are they both right in their own ways or is there a lesson that we need to learn here?

Of course, all of my male friends are completely in love with the idea of the perfect one night stand – she comes to bed, she says goodbye, she puts herself in a taxi and leaves, preferably before the morning comes and you have the awkward conversation over breakfast. This is a stereotypical way of looking at things of course, but in my circle of friends, it is very true!

I have had my fair share of one night stands and also my fair share of longer term relationships. Sex is important in a relationship so it makes sense to “get it out of the way” as soon as possible. For example, I personally couldn’t stay in a relationship where the sex was bad. This puts me in a difficult position. I like a guy, we have a great date, I think we could progress so we wait a couple more dates before sleeping together and, go figure, the sex is bad. And I tried it a second time around too so it can’t just have been first time nerves. Should I have just slept with this man on the first date, realized it was going to be bad and cut my losses? It almost felt as if I were leading him on, only to “dump” him as soon as the bad sex happened.

I guess, in this situation, it is every man or woman for him or herself. There will always be a line – those that “one night stand” and those that don’t. For now, I shall continue to sit on the fence and let my head be my guide – if it feels right, I do it. If it doesn’t, I don’t!

A #RoyalBaby is Born!

Well I should start by saying a MASSIVE congratulations to Kate & William on the birth of their baby boy! Yet to be named and the photograph not yet released to the public; you can bet your last dollar that this new Prince is going to be the cutest kid on the block! With William and Kate as parents, there’s no way he won’t be a cutie!

On the same as this Royal Baby, my Bestie celebrated his late 20-something birthday. We spent the day monging out because we are in the midst of a heat wave, smoking spliff after spliff, chatting, laughing and watching episode after episode of The Big Bang Theory – our favourite TV show.

Again, that’s not all that happened today. On the same day as this Royal Baby, one of my work colleagues found out that she was having a baby boy. Not quite as Royal, but devastatingly cute at the same time.

All this talk of babies is just making me damn broody; a sensation I’m not overly comfortable with. I get this feeling every now and again, usually when someone close finds out they are pregnant. The same thing happened when we found out that my Bestie On the Other Side of the World was pregnant. I get this giddy sensation where the whole baby thing makes me smile, followed by sheer panic when I realise that I’m not-so-slowly getting older and my biological clock is ticking away yet I’m no closer to be settled and ready to have kids as I was when I was 16 years old. I’m still living with family after another devastating breakup in my late-twenties, dating highly inappropriate men in the hope I’ll eventually find “The One” even though I know damn well that my Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With is always going to end up being “The One” for me; bouncing from guy to guy in a bid to find a happiness that I should probably learn to find on my own.

It’s all so depressing.

My Mr. Grey is coming down to my end of the country tonight. He’s heading back home on Friday night and I just happen to be not working Friday during the day. Coincidentally, Friday just happens to be the day that I get paid too. I’m in desperate need of some kinky fuckery. I need it. I think a My Mr. Grey fix is just what I need right now.

It’s not that simple though, is it?

I’m with Jock now. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. He’s basically told me the “L-word”. My Mr. Grey is seeing someone yet sent me a photo of a different girl that he sort of has this pact with, where if she gets to 27 and he’s still single, they will end up together. But he’s moving in with the first girl anyway. Huh? Are you as confused by this as I am?

I just have two more sleeps to get through until I can see Jock again and boy oh boy; I’m a horny little bitch right now. I’ve jerked off more times in the last two days than I have in weeks. All of a sudden my sex drive has come back with a vengeance and I’ve found that new confidence I spoke about a few weeks ago. I think Jock is helping – he is clearly completely smitten with me.

That’s Wednesday night and Thursday day sorted. That leaves me with Friday free….. Should I go see My Gr. Grey? We’ll probably fuck. How much does Jock really mean to me? Here we are back to this again – wasn’t I in this exact same situation just a little while ago with OB?

I think I want to give things a go with Jock and this whole baby business is just spurring this decision on. He has no kids of his own and he’s at an age where he should probably get on it if he wants to have kids of his own. He has a (step-)daughter but is it really the same thing? He thinks of her as his own…

He is older than me – almost 8 years in fact. If he’s fallen in love with me in just 34 days, how long do I have before he starts pining for things like marriage and kids? Am I starting to think seriously about this stuff? Could I have that kind of future with Jock? From what I have seen so far, I think I could. I honestly think I could. Then again, I could probably think about the future with My Mr. Grey too…. It’s like the attack of the Scottish older men right now.

The years are flying past now and I’m starting to think that I need to evaluate where I want things to be in 5/10/20 years time. Is the family and kids thing something I’m really going to think about? Is that something I really want?

See – I hate it when things like this happen and I start to second guess myself. Yesterday I loved my life. Today I think I want kids. What the fuck?

In conclusion, congrats again on the #RoyalBaby! I love it when the country goes bonkers for its monarchy. It makes you very patriotic!

#ihearttheroyalfamily

How to Make Him Love You in 34 Days.

You know that point I was a tad fearful of – the moment where Jock turned around and said those three little words to me – “I love you”….

Well, he didn’t say them.

Not exactly.

But kinda.

Let me go right back to the beginning.

Do you remember the picture that OB sent me right when we first started dating? Let me refresh your memory:

photo

Well, a couple weeks ago, Jock said something along the lines of “you only like me because I’m a dinosaur”. I sent him the above picture as a rebuttal.

A week or so ago, Jock said that he was my “tea-bitch”. Going back to the dinosaur remark and seeing this picture on the internet later on, I then called him my “tea-rex”:

IMG-20130716-WA0011

Yesterday, while I was at work, Jock told me that he had something he wanted to show me but he would show me later on. I hate it when people do that to me – you can’t tell me you got something for me and then not show/give it to me immediately. He was at the school, picking up his (step-)daughter so I begrudgingly left them to it and carried on with my day at work.

Last night came and he popped back up after his date with the kid. He sent me a picture. He sent me the following picture:

CYMERA_20130717_222127

That’s cool. That’s also my picture with the word “Love” where the word “Like” had been. It was a tattoo. I asked him where he found it. He said it was “on him”.

Ladies and gentleman, he had it made into a tattoo. He’s already fairly heavily tattooed so one more isn’t going to make the world of difference to him but still…. That’s weird, right? The conversation started to get a tad awkward and kinda trailed off….

Later on, he messaged me:

“Rawr”

After a bit of deflection and some sleep, morning came and I realized that I should handle this problem like an adult. Last night I avoided the topic completely and steered the conversation away from it. This morning, I was having none of it. I’m in my late-twenties; he’s in his mid-thirties. We are too old to be playing these damn games!

Me: “Did you rawr at me last night?”

Jock: “In what sense?”

Me: “In the rawr sense:

Jock: “I’m confused. Explain?”

Me: “Well last night you sent me the photo of your tattoo saying rawr means… And then you said rawr”

Jock: “Would you be freaked out?”

Well I guess that sorts that out then – he loves me, he’s saying it (in a roundabout sorta way), and he’s got the damn thing tattooed on his stomach. Just in case saying it just wasn’t enough.

Now I’m all muddled up. I had gotten my emotions in check and gotten over the whole reservations thing. I was going with the flow – I decided to wing it and see where it went. This isn’t winging it! This is rushing at warped speed. Without actually saying the words, he has said “I Love You” in 34 days!

I have successfully managed to make a man fall in love with me in 34 days.

What. The. Fuck?

Why does this happen to me? I’m not meaning to blow my own trumpet or anything here but guys fall in love me. That’s what kinda happens, pretty much all the time. Whether I feel the same way towards them or not, something happens to them. They turn into needy, clingy messes of men that I barely recognize. It irritates the absolute shit out of me.

I didn’t have down Jock as a premature L-worder. I thought he was going to make me work a lot harder for it. I haven’t had to work for this at all. Now I have it, I’m not even sure that I want it.

On the other hand, I am seeing this for the huge romantic gesture he clearly thought it was going to be. People keep telling me that we are perfect for each other. My Mama Bear basically said that although I might not have said the L-word, I have done pretty crazy things very fast for the men I love. Maybe these people are right. Maybe I should stop thinking with my head and let my heart make the decisions again. I’m frightened to listen to my heart. I don’t understand why he had to throw such a spanner in the works. I’m not ready for this. I at least thought I had another couple of weeks left. I guess when you know, you know. He clearly knows.

The Bestie thinks it’s hilarious, of course. This shit happens to me all the time but as he says, having a man basically tattoo the fact that he loves me on his stomach in 34 days is definitely a new level of crazy for me. Is it crazy? Is it really too soon? I keep saying that I want the big, passionate, messy love affair that REAL LOVE is meant to be all about – like Big and Carrie in Sex and the City. It doesn’t make sense, it hurts, it’s angry, it’s horny, it’s loving, it’s passionate… That’s what I want. So what’s stopping me from diving in? Jock could totally be my Big. He’s crazy enough to handle me. He’s crazy enough to give it a shot, at least.

What am I so afraid of?

How Long Does it Take to Fall in Love?

So, I have a question. Are you in a relationship? Technically, I guess I have two questions – are you in a relationship, and how long did it take before you realized you “loved” your significant other?

July 16I’ve done some research into this, mostly because I think I fall in love all over the place. I can be in love with a person, a pair of shoes, a flavor of ice cream, a dress, a handbag, a pair of earrings…. I fall in love and out of love at the drop of a hat it would seem.

Take OB, for example. One minute I thought I was falling for him in a big, big way and the next, I simply wasn’t interested to the point where I would dread the times that he used to come down and see me.

I loved The Hubby to the point where I would let him punch me in the face and get away with it, but as soon as the Big Love came along, I once again, simply wasn’t interested. We all know that I’m still in love with the Big Love. We won’t go there right now.

I mentioned before in Well That’s Never Happened Before…. Date 7 that I didn’t think it would be very long before Jock and I do the whole “L-word” thing. He told me on Date 5 that he was “falling” for me. When you think about it though; our dates haven’t been normal. We had the 11 hour first date, the 5 hour second date, the 24 hour third, fourth and fifth date, the 5 hour sixth date, and the 24 hour seventh date.

I have known him for 34 days. His first message to me was 34 days ago. In that 34 days however, we have spent an insane amount of time together. Let’s figure it out – for a couple that only see each other once, maybe twice per week, we have managed to cram in 117 hours worth of fun. In one month of knowing each other, we basically spent a six day vacation together. When you think about it that way, it just sounds plain mental, doesn’t it?

Every time I find myself getting carried away about this man, I have to bring myself back to earth with a bump. Remember chick – you thought about OB like this once upon a time. You lost interest in him quick enough to have learned a lesson. Is the same thing going to happen with Jock? Let’s hope not.

I realized with OB that I couldn’t start a new, big, real, important “LOVE” relationship with anyone new unless I was over Big Love. Am I over him? I’ve only stalked him once since I’ve been hanging out with Jock. I still stalked him though. That’s bad, right?

Sometimes I think I could be falling in love with Jock and then, at other times, I don’t really know how I feel. When he picked me up the other day for example; he had dyed the hair on his head and in his moustache red. Just because that’s the kind of thing he does. I couldn’t work out if I loved it or hated it, but I kept my opinion to myself. Later on that night, the bristles of his moustache were annoying him so he shaved it off. As soon as he had done that, I immediately realized I’m not a fan of his face without some sort of facial hair. He looks fucking hot with his weird and varied styles. It’s not something I’ve really been into before. Turns out now, I’m a moustache/facial hair kinda girl. Well, I am with him at least.

He met my Mama Bear after he had dyed his hair red and my Mama Bear told me that she thought we were “very well suited” and that he was basically the male version of me. He dyes his hair on a whim just because he can. I do that. A lot. He has a lot of tattoos. I have a lot of piercings. And a few tattoos. He has the weirdest sense of style that I’ve ever seen in a man before in my life, but somehow he has the self-confidence to totally pull it off. People have said that my sense of style is rather quirky and odd, and somehow I manage to always pull it off. It’s weird and it’s wonderful, and it’s things like this that make me think I’m falling in love. He’s quirky. I didn’t think I’d like it much. Turns out, I do.

I’m trying to play it cool but in between my bouts of playing it cool, I’m Googling things like “how long does it take to fall in love” when I’ve had a spliff and it’s too hot to do anything other than some naked star-fishin’ on the bed.

There’s not a lot of specific information about how long it takes to fall in love. This surprises me. This isn’t a topic I’ve ever really thought about Googling before, but I thought there would be more scientific experiments on the topic, especially as love makes the world go round and all that.

It makes you think – if the smartest of scientists can’t work out the exact biological patterns for falling in AND out of love, it must be a force powerful enough to defy science, right? I don’t know about you but that certainly makes me feel a whole lot better. Some of my choices when I have been “in love” have definitely been questionable. But in all seriousness – if even those clever people can’t work out the exact equations/hormone balances/time frames for falling in love, it must be as irrational and crazy as it makes us appear from time to time.

On my travels around Google trying to find an answer to the question, I noticed a lot of people talking about falling in love at first sight. Do I believe in falling in love at first sight? Have I ever fallen in love at first sight? Maybe. I’m not sure. There was a very definite connection between Jock and I on that very first date, but love? I don’t think so. I definitely wasn’t as attracted to Big Love before we started dating – his attraction grew on me as our relationship did but even now, I still think he is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.

The Hubby wasn’t love at first sight; it was lust at first sight. He was the one night stand that never fucked off, more’s the pity.

I like to think that I know whether or not I will have an actual connection with a person within a short time of being in their presence. I definitely have a connection with Jock. I can’t remember if I had a connection with OB or not, but I definitely didn’t have that connection with The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of and The Lapdog. I will always love The Lapdog, but in a different kinda way… you know? Much like the way that I will always love My Mr. Grey. To be fair, I think if I end up with any of them it will be My Mr. Grey. Or The Bestie. Who knows?

So how about you – how long did it take for you to fall in love? Are you emotionally slutty like me, giving your heart to anyone and everyone that will have it? Or are you more of a guarded person that only gives affection to the really special people?

How long does it take to fall in love?