Well, he read my blog. OB read my blog. I’m trying to work out if this is a goodbye letter to you lot or a big Fuck You to him. I’m battling two sides of myself right now.
The biggest part of me is telling me to say goodbye to you guys and to quit writing. It’s caused me nothing but hassle since OB first found it and I’m never going to be able to write in it now he’s definitely reading/read it.
So, I shall set the scene – I was on Date Number Two with Jock. We went shopping, had some coffee, did some walking and talking and then we went for a chat before he dropped me home. Very respectful, as always, but he is starting to touch me more, I have noticed. He rubbed my back as we were walking around, and when we were in his car, he kept touching my face. At first it freaked me out to be honest, but after a while, I found myself lusting after his touch. We’ve got chemistry guys – its badass too!
While we were in the car, we were performing the normal ritual of him wanting to kiss me and me wanting to kiss him, and neither of us doing anything about it, when my phone went off. It was OB:
“We have no reason to talk to each other. I am going to remove you from FB, hope you have fun and thank you for saving me from you”
Well, I guess he’s pissed. Exactly one hour earlier, we were having a normal conversation about books. I replied “Huh” – I wasn’t really sure what was going on for the abrupt turnaround. Like a slap in the face, it hit me – Oh shit. He’s read my blog.
The next message clarified my suspicions:
“That’s what you want so I’m breaking all ties so you can move on and not have me badgering you. I may love you but I finally got it that you don’t love me”
Yes, he’s well and truly pissed and he most definitely read my blog. This strikes me as a little odd seeing as just one week ago he told me this:
“I swear to God, I swear on the kids lives I will not read your blog. Please write in it like normal because I know it means so much to you. I don’t want to be the reason that it’s ruined”
He swore on the kids lives and then went ahead and did it anyway? Hmmmm.
It’s funny – this guy thinks I don’t love him but he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had that I’ve been faithful to. It just goes to show – life is better when I am a bitch.
After the messages, I told the Bestie what had happened. I guess this was why he didn’t give him a chance the whole way through? He seems to have a pretty good grip on good guys and bad guys. Maybe I should trust his judgment and give Jock a chance?
Back to Jock and we did some pretty hardcore making out in the car. It was like being kids all over again. He’s such a good kisser! I played it cool of course but I was lusting after him something crazy. He had one hand on the back of my head, and the other was on my leg. It’s like the whole My Mr. Grey thing – he has the power with the hand on the back of my head/neck, like My Mr. Grey does with his hands on my rib cage, but offers something a little sweet to go along with it – the hand on the leg or holding my hand.
He started kissing my neck and I was literally putty in his hands. If he’d have made his move there and then, I’d have given in for sure. But he didn’t and I was, quite literally, frozen to my seat, damp in between the legs and gripping his leg to stop me from humping my own hand. He knew what he was doing, of course – he’s older. I knew he would have learned a few tricks along the way. It was mighty sexy, whatever it was he was doing to me, and I found myself getting completely lost in his hands. This guy is going to be dangerous for me. I can already feel it.
We’re planning our first sleepover at his house on Wednesday. It’ll be Date Number Three if we don’t see each other before then, and there’s no way sex won’t happen. There is so much chemistry between us and I can already sense that this guy is gonna be dynamite. I can’t wait to be in his bed. I can’t wait for his hands to be all over me. I cannot wait.
Going back to OB and I’m still not sure what I want to do. I don’t want this to be the last ever post I wrote but at the same time, how can I keep going when I know for definite now that he’s reading it? What if he outed me? What if he got so angry by the things that I thought and wrote that he posts shit about my blog on his FB. The Bestie suggested stopping this blog and starting another blog but honestly; I don’t want to lose you guys. It wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t feel right. But I can’t keep writing in it. It feels like he has totally invaded my personal space. These are the things that I think in my head, not what I say out loud. He swore on his kid’s lives that he wouldn’t do this. I know that he’s probably very hurt and upset to see the news of me and Jock on here, but c’mon – that was hardly planned. That was completely by accident. I wasn’t looking for someone, and I certainly didn’t expect Jock to come along. I told OB how it was – I told him that there was no chance of us getting back together. Did he seriously expect to find something else on here? Something to the contrary?
So for now, I’ll say goodbye, just in case I don’t come back. I’m saddened by the thought of that but honestly; it’s never going to be the same again now, is it? I barely recovered from the last “out”; I don’t know if I can recover from this one.
I love you guys. Thank you for being my counselors, friends and “confidees”, (totally made up that word and I love it) I appreciated every little read, follow, like, award and re-blog that I received. You guys freakin’ rock!
Bye for now,
Not So Sex in the City