I decided it was time to reevaluate my list that I first began in “What’s Your Number?”
So, I have updated my list – the list of people I have slept with. It’s getting scarily high now. I’m not impressed.
Here’s what we have so far: (If you’ve already seen this bit, you might want to skip to the bottom)
(This list is not in order – I couldn’t think about it that logically!)
- My First Boyf – broke his “banjo string”, blood everywhere, horrifying. We dated for almost a year and he never took my underwear off when we slept together… weird, huh?
- The Copper. He was a policeman and I suggested using his handcuffs; he decided to tell me about the scum he had contained within his handcuffs… not sexy!
- The guy I had a foursome with in a garden shed at the age of 18. Me, my boyfriend at the time, my girlfriend from school, and her boyfriend. After this random and incredibly drunken “shed” night, me and her boyfriend hooked up a couple times. They are still together and have had a baby, (so Facebook tells me) and me and the guy I was dating carried on for 2 years, and occasionally sleep together every now and again when we are both drunk enough and not necessarily single. He had the biggest cock I had ever seen – another story for another day.
- The boyfriend I was dating as mentioned in number 3, AKA massive cock! We call him The Fireman.
- The High School Bully. We later hooked up after another drunken night out. This night involved drinking Baileys out of his belly button in a single bed at my Dad’s house, if I remember rightly. I always had a soft spot for him; he used to make me laugh. It was only a one night thing though… he wasn’t that great.
- Another guy from school that I had a major crush on as I grew up – Drug Guy. We met in a bar, he was off his face on drugs, I was mashed on every alcoholic drink I could lay my hands on – back to his for a night of noisy and great sex, after he had shown me his “mixing” skills on a set of decks, and some rather loud jungle music that I’m sure his parents were pissed off about.
- The Hubby. Goes without saying really. Amazing sex. The best sex of my life. Apparently, I was the only girl that could make him climax via a BJ. It made me feel like a Queen. I later realised this is a line spun by many men in a feeble attempt to get head.
- The Husbands Best Man – Wonder Woman. Oh yes, I went there! I broke up with the husband, moved back home for a few weeks and met up with the best man that was, at the time, drunk and dressed as Superwoman. I started my period that night; there was blood everywhere. It was horrifying and he has been trying to finish that night ever since. Not happening.
- The Prison Warden. Random threesome with hubby, ended up sleeping together again years later. This is definitely a story for another day – the threesome started with a random joke about football socks, and ended up with him blurting his load all over my back.
- The Supervisor. Coke addict, self harmer, low self esteem meets battered wife with confidence issues and a need for mindless sex. He fell in love; I left the husband and moved on.
- The Fake Italian. Italian name, beautiful tan, covered in tattoos, smooth demeanor…. I was crying because I was leaving the husband; he soothed my tears away with a gram of coke and a good f***ing!
- The Asshole. I had a bad time with the hubby, got mashed and slept with this asshole. This guy threatened to tell everyone if I didn’t sleep with him again; he made a vague Facebook post about me and everything. Not enough for everyone to realise it was me, but scared the hell out of me anyway. Funny story – met the guy in my home town years before this in a bar, we almost slept together but didn’t; he was the spitting image of man Number 4 – that’s why I wanted him. Years later, after I got married, I bumped into him in another country, and that’s when we slept together.
- The Bus Driver. Now I’m not even sure if we slept together but stuff definitely happened. He was the bus driver for an agency where I was working in a warehouse. All of the warehouse lot went out drinking, me and the bus driver included, and we all ended up back at mine for an after party. Bearing in mind I was 18, he was 40-something, and everyone else was in between, we played spin the bottle and ended up in bed. He had stripy briefs on – BRIEFS!!! His tongue was like a washing machine, and he actually put his entire tongue in my ear! IN MY EAR!!! The morning after was awful, I couldn’t get rid of him and had to rely on the Bestie, whom I lived with at the time, to remove him from my apartment.
- The Postman. This was a mild flirtation that had been going on since I was first dating man number 4. He was engaged and I didn’t know this when we finally got together. They split up, we dated, and he turned into an asshole. He started ignoring phone calls and not turning up at mine when we had made plans. I turned into a bunny boiler that hid his passport so he couldn’t go on a lad’s holiday. He shouldn’t have left it at mine, really! *Evil grin!*
- The Lapdog. This guy has been going on for years. We dated years ago, it didn’t work. He was younger, most definitely more into me than I was into him, and we have been sleeping together on and off for around 7 years. I love him. He loves me. We just don’t work in a relationship. He thinks we do, he gets too full on and I freak out. We stopped sleeping together around the same time I got with my current man, but we can’t be around each other without stuff happening, hence why I am trying to stay away from him. The sex is amazing. OH MY GOD amazing! Another story for sure!
- Drunk Army Guy. I came home with more money than I went out with that night, which I’m assuming is not a good thing. We spent the entire night together drinking and he walked me back to mine. We f***ed on a wall around the corner from my house, I got off then jumped off, leaving him most unsatisfied.
- The Guy with the Tiny Penis. He is now an actor I believe. Tiny!
- Another guy with a tiny penis that had just gotten out of prison. We’ll call him Prison Guy. By tiny penis, I mean smaller than number 17 – smaller than my pinkie finger. As you can imagine, I definitely faked it.
- The Bad Memory. He was the best friend of a guy I was dating at the time. He was awful – he smelled bad, he didn’t brush his teeth, my boyfriend cheated on me, and I got my revenge. Gross. Possibly the worst night of my life.
- The boyfriend I was actually dating when I cheated with the above guy. Scratched my back, tied me up, and blindfolded me, and that was just our first f***! He blew my mind. I revisited this a few years later and it was most disappointing!
- The “Oh My God” Guy. Slept with a couple of times, horrible in bed, tried to deny it ever since. When he came, his leg twitched and he shouted “oh my god” over and over again until it freaked me out. Very bizarre.
- The Guy with the Monobrow. It was last orders at the bar, he showed me attention, I took him home. He was horrible, left a hickey on my neck the size of Texas, and called me 36 times in 2 hours the next day. No joke. It looked like I had been strangled. He was a virgin and he fell in love with me that night. It took a lot of ignoring phone calls to get rid of him.
- My Mr. Grey – the guy that is the craziest, best sex EVER! He made me ropes, fisted me, showed me how to squirt, has his cock pierced a whole bunch of times, and rocks my world. He works away a lot, we never found the right time to get together properly. I love him too but all of our experiences are based on bad timing. We sleep together regularly – whenever we are in the same country at the same time, regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not.
- The Older Guy. I was 18, he was 35. He was adorable and oh so much fun! His beautiful motorbike was awesome too.
- The Take Me to the Woods Guy. He literally took me to the woods and screwed me. It was kinda hot. His girlfriend found out.
- The Neighbour’s Husband. I actually sound like a whore now.
- The Guy With the Big Ears. I actually considered leaving the hubby for this guy. He was hot, hench, and covered in tattoos. This, again, will be another story.
- The Married Guy. I was young and stupid. He was old and “leaving his wife”. It never happened, obviously, and secretly, I think he broke my heart.
- The Big Love. I can’t say a lot about this guy right now because my heart is still actually breaking. This guy rocked my world in every way, and I miss him with every ounce of my soul. I actually think this guy was “The One”, despite all of the things that ripped us apart. I’m a little teary right now.
- The drunk guy after the bar that I can’t remember on the other side of the world.
- The guy my girlfriend set me up with so she could screw his mate.
- The fireman on the other side of the world that was sooo awkward, I couldn’t wait to get out. There is nothing attractive about a man walking towards you, silk boxer shorts at his ankles, waddling with a condom attached. I did it twice though….
- The guy that was such a dousche, I don’t even want to talk about it yet. First guy after my last heartbreak. He was kind of cute, lost his hard-on halfway through our drunken night, and turned out to be a total douschebag.
- The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of – that’s where this beautiful blog first began!
- The Hip High School Kid with the perfect smile and floppy hair. Shy, timid, yet cocky little shit that won me over with his beautiful smile. It was only a one or two time thing, I can’t remember. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t memorable either.
- This one was the Hot High School Kid. We got drunk, fucked a bit, and I vomited on him after one too many Red Aftershock shots! He now lives on the other side of the world, engaged to be married and is seriously HOT! So glad I did that!
- One Ball! He’s the divorced guy with three kids; the one that I wouldn’t normally be into, with a glorious cock and a great sense of humour. The one I’m trying to get rid of right now…
- I forgot about this guy – I can’t remember his name but I saw him when I was in the car with OB, my Mama and my Lil Sis. It was awkward. We were side by side waiting at the traffic lights. OB saw what was going on and kept asking who he was and why he kept smiling and laughing in our direction. He had a lip piercing back then but he didn’t have it now. He was a “lurchy” kinda guy – no brain cells, built like a brick shit house, kinda hot but nothing going on upstairs…. I think we slept together. I can’t remember, but I do remember hardcore making out on the couch and I was a slut back then (late teens) so yeah; it probably happened.
- The Navy Guy. I cheated on Number 4 – The Fireman with this guy when I went off to join the Navy. He was nothing special. I barely remember anything about him. We did have sex in a little rowing boat once though. It was at night and stuck on the beach but that’s not the point; we still had sex in a little rowing boat.
- The Gay Guy – right, at the time I’m pretty sure that he didn’t know he was gay but he most definitely was. Everything about him screamed gay, right down to the way that he fucked me with a banana. Blurgh. The fruit makes me gag. It was a one-time thing when I was in High School. It wasn’t a good experience.
- My Beautiful Tattooed Jock! ❤
- The Work Colleague – Drunken night out for his leaving party. The helpful distraction from the devastating breakup from Number 41 – My Beautiful Tattooed Jock.
- Someone New – Hmmmm. Nice guy. Too nice in fact. I’m just not that into him.
This doesn’t include the women.
Don’t judge me!