I wrote OB a letter in a bid to try and explain things for him because he clearly still doesn’t understand why we broke up. It was quite the masterpiece so I thought I’d be brave and whack it on here:
*Names have been changed for obvious reasons.
Right. There are a lot of reasons I broke up with you. A lot of them you are not going to agree with. If you want a list, here you have it, in no particular order:
I’m terrified that you will read my blog. I haven’t written in my blog properly for months and I think it’s because I don’t want to write too much about you or what is going on with my life in case you will read it. I don’t feel comfortable writing about you in it and I find myself holding back all the time. I’m sorry to have to say that because I know you tell me all the time that you don’t read it, and I know how gutted you were when you told me that you had found it, but the truth of it is, I’m not writing in it because I’m so scared that you are going to find it and see what I’m saying. It’s not even about big stuff – I haven’t got anything super bad to write that you can’t read or anything, but even the little things I don’t really want to put down.
The time thing is a massive thing for me – a lot more so than I think you realize. I’m trying to do too many things at once. Theres my job and my writing, the little business I’m trying to start and everything to do with that, my blog… I’m trying to do a lot right now and it’s not working. Something had to give. As harsh as this sounds, I had to let something go. I was hardly doing the new business stuff – definitely not as much as I was doing right at the beginning. I was falling really behind with all my writing work. I’m still playing catch up now. I haven’t even finished one project that I really wanted and that was meant to have been finished three weeks ago.
Summer is always a nightmare at my day job because there are only so many parts of the year that we are allowed to book holiday. That means that you have a few months that you have to book holidays and things start to get really busy. This was the same last year – I worked like a mental person all through the summer. At times, I was doing 9 or 10 days in a row before I have a day off. I know that the same thing will happen this summer and I don’t ever say not to the shifts because I love my job, I love working and I love the money it brings in, especially now with the pay rise. I won’t ever say no to shifts, I’m not that kind of person. That means that I’m expecting there to be a lot of fights over the summer when you want to do things and I can’t because I’m working. Or writing. Or doing something with Lil Sis. I was meant to have gone to Bestie’s Mama’s BBQ Saturday night for the rescheduled, and then rescheduled again, BBQ. I didn’t end up going because things took too long doing the Father’s Day stuff with Lil Sis and my Mama. And then I had a shit ton of writing to do before I missed yet another deadline. He was pissed at me. Just so you know; it’s not just you.
Money is a massive thing right now as well. I’m making a lot of money but at the same time, I have a lot of money going out. The business is costing a lot to get up and running. And we are still learning the ropes as well, and in doing so, we are making mistakes and wasting money. I always feel bad when you want to do so much but I don’t have the money because I’ve had something to pay out for the week before. I always feel so bad when you have all these great plans and I can’t do them. That, with the timing thing, has really sucked for us. Like every time I want to come up and see you, something happens. That’s what it’s always like with me. That’s why I always go for men that I don’t have to be in a constantly-around-each-other relationship with. Something isn’t clicking with us on that side of things and it’s sad but it’s a big deal for me.
I don’t think I’m ready to date yet. I’m definitely not ready to have a big relationship and I could see that happening with you and yes, it fucking scares me. I don’t want to get my heart broken and I don’t think you’d ever do that to me but I literally just started feeling so worried about stuff all of a sudden and in my head, I know it means I’m not ready. This is really hard for me to say to you because you are the loveliest guy I’ve ever met. You are awesome. I actually don’t have a bad word to say about you to anyone. Yes you’ve been a bit clingy and paranoid from time to time but honestly, you are an amazing boyfriend. There was something just not clicking for me towards the end. I don’t know how to explain it to you.
Honestly, the fact that you had such a big thing about the Bestie wound me up towards the end as well. And then outside my door you kept asking me why I could make time for him and not you? Do you know how many times he gets crabby with me because I’ve had to blow him out or change my schedule? He’s just used to it because he’s had it for 11 years. You act as though I spend all of my time with him but I see him once, maybe twice per week. That is about the same amount of time that I would see you if you were here. Occasionally he may pop into my work. Honestly, I don’t see him half as much as you think I do. I hated the fact that you kept bringing him up.
I hope this goes some way to explaining why this is happening. I don’t want you to think that it’s your fault because it isn’t and to be honest, the whole pity party thing doesn’t work on me. I do feel bad for hurting you like this but I’m trying to do this the best way. We need space. The way you acted outside my house – I don’t want to be the person responsible for that. If you can be like that in public, it worries me how you would be if we were ever in a real argument just you and me. I’m not saying that you would do anything. I’m just saying I don’t know how I would react.
I wish you could see things from my point of view and I wish you wouldn’t keep blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. If anything, it might have been both of us from time to time but I know it’s primarily me. I kept falling for you and I tried to stop it. I knew I would get scared. That’s why I made it very clear from the beginning how things were going to be.
I hope one day we can be really good friends. I really do want to have you in my life but not until this isn’t so fresh for us. For now, I think we need space. I’m trying to do this the right way. I’m not doing a very good job of it, but I am trying. I’m sorry that I have hurt you. I hated seeing you the way you were today. It broke my heart. I wish I could make you feel better but I’m doing what I think is for the best. I’m also sorry if you still can’t see my point of view. I do want to have you in my life as a friend one day because I think you are a super awesome person. I just hope that you don’t hate me for doing this.