50 Things I Can’t Stand

I found this post from Hellibob a while ago – 50 Things I Dislike – and I loved it. So much so in fact, that I decided to keep things going and have a bash myself. So… Here are 50 things I dislike.

Why not have a go yourself?

  1. Bad kissers
  2. Rude people
  3. Bananas
  4. Old people that try to learn new technology but fail miserably
  5. Yellow – the color makes me cringe
  6. The fact that I’m always late for everything
  7. Girls that wear really thin leggings as pants – girls; I can see your fucking underwear through the ridiculously thin material and I would appreciate it if you could cover your fat asses up
  8. Bees and wasps
  9. Bad manners
  10. Star Wars
  11. Spiders
  12. Big gold jewellery
  13. Waiting
  14. Anti-gay protestors – what’s the point?
  15. Racists
  16. Tomatoes
  17. The sound of a baby screaming
  18. Joop! Cologne for men
  19. People that borrow stuff/money and don’t give it/pay it back
  20. Fake designer handbags and shoes
  21. Guys that wear black shoes with white socks, or just bad footwear in general
  22. Talking to people first thing in the morning
  23. Cucumbers
  24. People that can’t spell
  25. Peppers on my pizza
  26. The dark – I’m scared of the dark
  27. Bad customer service
  28. People that hurt animals for no good reason
  29. When you have an outfit in your head and it looks nothing like that when you actually put the clothes on
  30. People that have full-on Facebook dramas
  31. Even worse than that – people who say something really profound on Facebook and then refuse to explain why, instead choosing to put something along the lines of “I’ll PM you in a minute Chantelle”
  32. Hay fever on the way to work that makes my eyes water and my makeup run
  33. Random and strange people that talk to me in public, especially charity muggers
  34. Really hot men that have absolutely no personality
  35. THAT time of the month
  36. People that chew their pens
  37. Judgmental people
  38. People that use the words – “aint”, “innit”, and also those that get “your” and “you’re” wrong
  39. Complete silence – it totally freaks me out
  40. Boys that just can’t take a hint and fuck off
  41. Paper cuts
  42. Guys that cry at really awkward moments… like break up’s
  43. People that interrupt me mid-sentence so that I have to trail off and pretend I wasn’t saying anything in the first place…..
  44. People that ask me a questions and then answer them for me before I have even had a chance to open my mouth, which happens to me a lot at work
  45. Failing
  46. Clingy men that want to be around ALL THE TIME
  47. Bad hair days
  48. Being put on the spot
  49. Bad breath
  50. Missing phone calls from people you really want to talk to

That’s not so bad, right? I know there are a few weird ones in there but I guess we all have our odd, quirky little ways. So come on then – What are the 50 things that you dislike the most?

The Tale of the 24 Hour Third Date.

I have been meaning to upload this post for a couple of days now but I’m only getting around to it. I know, I suck. This was from Thursday 27th June:

We went on our third date, Jock and I. I had an idea for camping to be one of our coolest dates. Turned out, it happened.
I was at work. He rushed around and got everything sorted, ready to pick me up in the evening. He booked the campsite; got the tent, got everything we needed for the trip and even went as far as finding solar powered fairy lights to put in the tent as he knows I’m scared of the dark. While I was at work he literally did everything – the tent was put up, camp fire ready to light, firewood collected…. He basically picked me up, took me to the surprise campsite which we ended up having completely to ourselves, and told me to sit back, relax and enjoy myself. Enjoy I did….

We bought BBQ food and beers and we drank, talked, laughed and then the rain came. We moved the entertainment inside the tent. I had music playing and we were talking about songs that turned us on. I spoke about Closer by Nine Inch Nails and I found the song on my phone. We barely managed a full thirty seconds into the song and we were making out. The next thing I knew, I was straddling him. He laid me down and I took his top off. Before I knew it, we were naked, hardcore making out to sexy music playing from my phone, the rain pattering down on the tent and a lot of heavy breathing going on.

He was aware that receiving oral is an intimate thing for me yet somehow, I was comfortable enough to let him do it. I was also comfortable enough to climax. Multiple times. His tongue found my clit with no feedback necessary and I was right – his tongue does things so much more magical than just kissing.

It wasn’t very long before the tent was well and truly steamed up and things started to get a lot hotter. It was dark, he was naked, I was naked…. I have another man to add to my list – What’s Your Number? Updated… Yes, that’s right. We fucked.

I’ll be honest; the sex was awkward but it didn’t matter. He’s not the biggest guy in the world but he’s definitely not the smallest. I guess I’ve just been spoiled in the penis size department. I was a tad disappointed but his tongue and hands worked magic on my skin, and we soon found that me on top worked much better than him on top. The way I rode him turned him on so much, it wasn’t long before he climaxed. He had already paid so much attention to me and making sure that I got my end of the bargain that this wasn’t a bad thing. I used these skills in the morning just before we left the campsite, and I think I have pretty much figured out how to make him climax with me on top. This is good for me – I could barely make OB climax in any position. I like the new powers that I seem to have over this man. His words were – I make him tingle all over and just one look from me gets him hard. Apparently he’s an eye man – he seems to be able to read my mind just by looking in mine.

I think he might be circumcised too – I was fairly tipsy last night and I didn’t exactly get a great look at it but from the way he felt in my mouth, I’m pretty sure he is. This works for me just fine. He even shaved for me!

I can’t get enough of this guy and not even a smaller penis is managing to put me off. Spooning sex isn’t easy for us – it brings us back to that awkward thing again but I guess it’ll just take some adjustment. I’m used to bigger guys – The Lapdog, Big Love, Hubby, The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of and OB were all fabulously well endowed. I’m trying not to let it put me off but I can’t help but feel that niggling feeling – is his manhood going to be enough for me? We all know how demanding I am when it comes to sex, and I have things that I feel I can’t compromise on. If he had been any other guy, this would have been a deal breaker for me but there is enough about this guy to keep me gagging for more.

He is very attentive in other areas. It’s as if he knows he hasn’t got the longest cock in the world and therefore makes up for it in other ways. He has even gone as far as to make me well aware that my pleasure is his pleasure. Sex isn’t all that important to him but pleasuring me is. I don’t understand why this isn’t a deal breaker for me.

I don’t think Jock is going to be a short term thing. I can see this going far…. I hate admitting as much after just three dates and the first time we slept together, but something is going right for us. We don’t ever have awkward silences and we’ve got so much in common, it’s unreal. We have the best fun and for the most part, it has just been us two. Aside from when I met his housemates briefly after camping, and when he met the Bestie in the pub that one time, it’s just been us. In three dates we have managed to cram in 40+ hours of fun and frivolity. Today we went shopping, visited an art gallery, played in the arcades, took a walk with ice creams along the sea front and chatted for hours. We managed to be able to fit a lot in our afternoon and I won’t lie; it was frickin’ fabulous!

He dropped me home exactly 24 hours after he picked me up. Once he got back to his house, the texting commenced and we’ve both agreed there is something more here than just plain lust. We have a serious connection. He said to me that he thought I was dangerous and he could see himself really liking me and me breaking his heart. I definitely don’t plan on it.

There is definitely something here. I’ve clicked with this person. Very much so. I know I liked OB when we first started dating but this is something entirely different. OB wasn’t a big love story; he was more of a blip I think. The older guy is the way forward, it would seem.

I’m hoping for our next date to be next weekend. He has the Friday, Saturday and Sunday off and I’m going to try and arrange my work patterns so that I can accommodate a night at his. Keep your fingers crossed. We can always see each other before then but there will be no more sleepovers until a more appropriate time. My work schedules and his don’t work well together apparently. I hope this doesn’t cause the demise of us like it did with OB.

I know it’s still a very early stage but this guy has turned into an obsession. I think about him 24/7. When he’s at work and can’t text, I miss him. Now we’ve fucked, I’m craving his touch again. The things he can do with his tongue and fingers are out of this world. The whole combination of the rain, the tent, getting close to stay warm, the beers, the music and the way our bodies reacted to each other made it an experience I’m not likely to forget.

We did make one massive boo boo. I bought condoms and we forgot to use them. We simply got carried away. It was stupid of both of us but thankfully, I went back on the pill once OB and I had broken up so at least pregnancy isn’t a problem. We are both getting tested now so we can prove to each other that we are both fit and healthy. I know I’m good, unless OB sent something nasty my way, and I very much doubt that.

So for now, I guess we will watch this space. I have high hopes for this turning into something quite impressive. He’s definitely going to be a lasting figure in my life, regardless of how things work out for us. One thing is for sure – we have the Zsa Zsa Zsu, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw! 🙂

48 Hours to Go: First Night Nerves

It is exactly 48 hours until Jock gets to pick me up and take me away to his crib for the night to show me the time of my life. Shit.

I’m totally not prepared for this. I don’t know if I have time to book a bikini wax and between you and me, things aren’t looking pretty down there right now. Ugh that means I’m going to need to shave. I hate shaving. I haven’t had time to buy new lingerie. What do I wear? How do I behave? I don’t even know what our date is going to consist of…

This guy is actually making me nervous. I’m nervous about sleeping with him for the first time. Are we even going to sleep together? I came up with the idea of winging it until one or the other of us feels uncomfortable and then we say stop. He agrees with the idea. Which one of us will give in first?

This is the thing about the first time you sleep with someone – it is always a really exciting experience because you don’t know what is going to happen. You have no idea what they are going to be like in bed. Are they going to be good? Are they going to be well-endowed? What about the moves – will he have them? Will I have them? Will we have as much chemistry in bed as we do out of it?

Thankfully, we have already covered a fair bit of ground. For example, I know he’s going to want me to be shaved “down there.” That works for me because I hate hair. I know he likes matching lingerie so do I go all out with stockings, panties, and bra? Or shall I wear that little cute matching number with the fluorescent pink bra and booty shorts? He’s already told me that he wants me in booty shorts. Shall I go out and buy something? See – there is always politics with sex!

What kind of outfit shall I pick out? Should I wear heels? Are we going out or is he just taking me back to his place? Are his housemates going to be in? Should I dress casual in Converse and jeans or something a bit more special, like my little black dress and cowboy boots – a current firm favorite outfit of mine?

I think I might take a bottle of wine. I’m going to be nervous and a few drinks will help. Shall I explain about the scars on my legs now, or wait and hope that he doesn’t see them? He already understands that I’m shy about myself so I’m hoping it’ll be a light’s off affair. Well, at least for the first time. I won’t relax enough to be able to climax if the lights are on, and that will just be shit for both of us. He has already made it very clear to me that my pleasure is his turn-on. Yippeeee!

Do I go in there with the expectation of sleeping with him? Or go in there knowing that I won’t and make him have to work to change my mind? I know he likes the thrill of the chase but honestly; I don’t know if I’ll have enough self-control around him to not pounce. I’ve been a horny little devil lately.

See – I love first time sex with someone because of the anticipation of it all. I like the fact that I don’t know how big his manhood is or how good he is with his hands. I don’t know what his tongue will feel like all over my body, or the way that he fucks me from behind. This is all stuff I’m super looking forward to finding out about but at the same time, he’s a new man. I don’t know what he likes. He’s not keen on the idea of BJ’s from what I can work out, and that’s going to be bad news for me. I will need to ensure he knows of my fondness for them from an early stage.

48 hours…. And I have to work both of those days as well. I’m totally not prepared for this but my mind is racing at the thought of it.

In other news, things have been very quiet. I haven’t heard from OB since the other say but I guess he’s waiting for me to tell him how much his iPad bill is. I do feel bad for him because I know he is hurting but this is what I do, isn’t it? I use one man to get over another. That’s the way I roll. I can’t help that – I’ve always been this way. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him, does it? I don’t think it does. I certainly don’t feel about Jock the way I felt about OB and although I push the thought of OB to the back of my mind sometimes, I still have feelings for him. I just don’t think it was the sort of love that he wanted me to have for him. I can’t help that. I did try to be honest. I guess that’s something I have no control over any longer so I’m trying not to let it bug me. I’ve also decided to continue to write my blog. That’s all I’ve wanted to do since I put up my last post so OB can just go fuck himself. I won’t let him ruin it. He can do what he likes. This is mine.

So, let the preparations begin. 48 hours and counting….

Wish me luck boys & girls…. I have a feeling, with this guy, I’m gonna need it!


Date Number Two. An Emotional Goodbye?

Well, he read my blog. OB read my blog. I’m trying to work out if this is a goodbye letter to you lot or a big Fuck You to him. I’m battling two sides of myself right now.

The biggest part of me is telling me to say goodbye to you guys and to quit writing. It’s caused me nothing but hassle since OB first found it and I’m never going to be able to write in it now he’s definitely reading/read it.

So, I shall set the scene – I was on Date Number Two with Jock. We went shopping, had some coffee, did some walking and talking and then we went for a chat before he dropped me home. Very respectful, as always, but he is starting to touch me more, I have noticed. He rubbed my back as we were walking around, and when we were in his car, he kept touching my face. At first it freaked me out to be honest, but after a while, I found myself lusting after his touch. We’ve got chemistry guys – its badass too!

While we were in the car, we were performing the normal ritual of him wanting to kiss me and me wanting to kiss him, and neither of us doing anything about it, when my phone went off. It was OB:

“We have no reason to talk to each other. I am going to remove you from FB, hope you have fun and thank you for saving me from you”

Well, I guess he’s pissed. Exactly one hour earlier, we were having a normal conversation about books. I replied “Huh” – I wasn’t really sure what was going on for the abrupt turnaround. Like a slap in the face, it hit me – Oh shit. He’s read my blog.

The next message clarified my suspicions:

“That’s what you want so I’m breaking all ties so you can move on and not have me badgering you. I may love you but I finally got it that you don’t love me”

Yes, he’s well and truly pissed and he most definitely read my blog. This strikes me as a little odd seeing as just one week ago he told me this:

“I swear to God, I swear on the kids lives I will not read your blog. Please write in it like normal because I know it means so much to you. I don’t want to be the reason that it’s ruined”

He swore on the kids lives and then went ahead and did it anyway? Hmmmm.

It’s funny – this guy thinks I don’t love him but he’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had that I’ve been faithful to. It just goes to show – life is better when I am a bitch.

After the messages, I told the Bestie what had happened. I guess this was why he didn’t give him a chance the whole way through? He seems to have a pretty good grip on good guys and bad guys. Maybe I should trust his judgment and give Jock a chance?

Back to Jock and we did some pretty hardcore making out in the car. It was like being kids all over again. He’s such a good kisser! I played it cool of course but I was lusting after him something crazy. He had one hand on the back of my head, and the other was on my leg. It’s like the whole My Mr. Grey thing – he has the power with the hand on the back of my head/neck, like My Mr. Grey does with his hands on my rib cage, but offers something a little sweet to go along with it – the hand on the leg or holding my hand.

He started kissing my neck and I was literally putty in his hands. If he’d have made his move there and then, I’d have given in for sure. But he didn’t and I was, quite literally, frozen to my seat, damp in between the legs and gripping his leg to stop me from humping my own hand. He knew what he was doing, of course – he’s older. I knew he would have learned a few tricks along the way. It was mighty sexy, whatever it was he was doing to me, and I found myself getting completely lost in his hands. This guy is going to be dangerous for me. I can already feel it.

We’re planning our first sleepover at his house on Wednesday. It’ll be Date Number Three if we don’t see each other before then, and there’s no way sex won’t happen. There is so much chemistry between us and I can already sense that this guy is gonna be dynamite. I can’t wait to be in his bed. I can’t wait for his hands to be all over me. I cannot wait.

Going back to OB and I’m still not sure what I want to do. I don’t want this to be the last ever post I wrote but at the same time, how can I keep going when I know for definite now that he’s reading it? What if he outed me? What if he got so angry by the things that I thought and wrote that he posts shit about my blog on his FB. The Bestie suggested stopping this blog and starting another blog but honestly; I don’t want to lose you guys. It wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t feel right. But I can’t keep writing in it. It feels like he has totally invaded my personal space. These are the things that I think in my head, not what I say out loud. He swore on his kid’s lives that he wouldn’t do this. I know that he’s probably very hurt and upset to see the news of me and Jock on here, but c’mon – that was hardly planned. That was completely by accident. I wasn’t looking for someone, and I certainly didn’t expect Jock to come along. I told OB how it was – I told him that there was no chance of us getting back together. Did he seriously expect to find something else on here? Something to the contrary?

So for now, I’ll say goodbye, just in case I don’t come back. I’m saddened by the thought of that but honestly; it’s never going to be the same again now, is it? I barely recovered from the last “out”; I don’t know if I can recover from this one.

I love you guys. Thank you for being my counselors, friends and “confidees”, (totally made up that word and I love it) I appreciated every little read, follow, like, award and re-blog that I received. You guys freakin’ rock!

Bye for now,

Not So Sex in the City


I Like Slow Sensual Sex…

Jock has got me figured right out. He says all the right things. He does all the right things. He’s a toy I can’t seem to get bored of right now. And the shit he keeps saying to me is driving me fucking crazy.

“I like slow sensual sex, kissing, touching, watching the person’s reaction as you touch them… Finding out what makes them tick”

That’s what kicked it all off. The second he said that to me, I knew sex with him would fucking rock. The way he kissed me and touched me, yet was so respectful of me – you know this guy has a side to him that I’m gonna lust after like nothing else. He’s an addiction right now but I have total control over it.

He wanted to come see me today. I said no. He wanted to take me out for dinner and a coffee. He knows I won’t give it up all that easy and he’s trying real hard to keep a hold of himself too. Last night things got pretty heated and I jerked off as we text. He doesn’t know that and I won’t tell him. I hinted at it but like he says, I’m an angel with a dirty face. I’m not even sure I know what that means.

He likes that I frustrate him. He’s told me this. He likes that I’m making him work for it and he likes that I’m not showing him much of the “real” me. I like the effect I’m having on him. This has turned into a game. I’m really enjoying playing it.

“You on top, hands on my chest, panting. Yes that rocks”

I can imagine it. Can you imagine it? It’s going to be mind-blowing. He keeps dropping these fantastic lines into the conversation and I wish I could just tell him that he has me eating out of the palm of his hand already. This is something I’ve not felt in a while. Which brings me neatly to my next point…

The Bestie not only thinks Jock is “alright”, he feels intimidated by him. I don’t think I’ve told you this yet.

He says that Jock worries him. He doesn’t have kids at 34 so he’s going to want to settle soon if we end up being a long term thing. Bestie is worried I’m going to be taken away again. He looked genuinely worried. He already saw the attraction between us on our first date – that’s huge, right?

“If just thinking of us naked together does this then the real thing is going to have an even bigger effect”

Seriously. Could he be any hotter? Honestly, I can imagine his kisses all over my body. Fuck this guy gets me hot. His age will certainly help matters too – he’s bound to have learned a trick or two. I cannot wait to fuck this guy. Grrrrrrrr……

What’s Your Number? Updated…

I decided it was time to reevaluate my list that I first began in “What’s Your Number?”

So, I have updated my list – the list of people I have slept with. It’s getting scarily high now. I’m not impressed.

Here’s what we have so far: (If you’ve already seen this bit, you might want to skip to the bottom)

(This list is not in order – I couldn’t think about it that logically!)

  1. My First Boyf – broke his “banjo string”, blood everywhere, horrifying. We dated for almost a year and he never took my underwear off when we slept together… weird, huh?
  2. The Copper. He was a policeman and I suggested using his handcuffs; he decided to tell me about the scum he had contained within his handcuffs… not sexy!
  3. The guy I had a foursome with in a garden shed at the age of 18. Me, my boyfriend at the time, my girlfriend from school, and her boyfriend. After this random and incredibly drunken “shed” night, me and her boyfriend hooked up a couple times. They are still together and have had a baby, (so Facebook tells me) and me and the guy I was dating carried on for 2 years, and occasionally sleep together every now and again when we are both drunk enough and not necessarily single. He had the biggest cock I had ever seen – another story for another day.
  4. The boyfriend I was dating as mentioned in number 3, AKA massive cock! We call him The Fireman.
  5. The High School Bully. We later hooked up after another drunken night out. This night involved drinking Baileys out of his belly button in a single bed at my Dad’s house, if I remember rightly. I always had a soft spot for him; he used to make me laugh. It was only a one night thing though… he wasn’t that great.
  6. Another guy from school that I had a major crush on as I grew up – Drug Guy. We met in a bar, he was off his face on drugs, I was mashed on every alcoholic drink I could lay my hands on – back to his for a night of noisy and great sex, after he had shown me his “mixing” skills on a set of decks, and some rather loud jungle music that I’m sure his parents were pissed off about.
  7. The Hubby. Goes without saying really. Amazing sex. The best sex of my life. Apparently, I was the only girl that could make him climax via a BJ. It made me feel like a Queen. I later realised this is a line spun by many men in a feeble attempt to get head.
  8. The Husbands Best Man – Wonder Woman. Oh yes, I went there! I broke up with the husband, moved back home for a few weeks and met up with the best man that was, at the time, drunk and dressed as Superwoman. I started my period that night; there was blood everywhere. It was horrifying and he has been trying to finish that night ever since. Not happening.
  9. The Prison Warden. Random threesome with hubby, ended up sleeping together again years later. This is definitely a story for another day – the threesome started with a random joke about football socks, and ended up with him blurting his load all over my back.
  10. The Supervisor. Coke addict, self harmer, low self esteem meets battered wife with confidence issues and a need for mindless sex. He fell in love; I left the husband and moved on.
  11. The Fake Italian. Italian name, beautiful tan, covered in tattoos, smooth demeanor…. I was crying because I was leaving the husband; he soothed my tears away with a gram of coke and a good f***ing!
  12. The Asshole. I had a bad time with the hubby, got mashed and slept with this asshole. This guy threatened to tell everyone if I didn’t sleep with him again; he made a vague Facebook post about me and everything. Not enough for everyone to realise it was me, but scared the hell out of me anyway. Funny story – met the guy in my home town years before this in a bar, we almost slept together but didn’t; he was the spitting image of man Number 4 – that’s why I wanted him. Years later, after I got married, I bumped into him in another country, and that’s when we slept together.
  13. The Bus Driver. Now I’m not even sure if we slept together but stuff definitely happened. He was the bus driver for an agency where I was working in a warehouse. All of the warehouse lot went out drinking, me and the bus driver included, and we all ended up back at mine for an after party. Bearing in mind I was 18, he was 40-something, and everyone else was in between, we played spin the bottle and ended up in bed. He had stripy briefs on – BRIEFS!!! His tongue was like a washing machine, and he actually put his entire tongue in my ear! IN MY EAR!!! The morning after was awful, I couldn’t get rid of him and had to rely on the Bestie, whom I lived with at the time, to remove him from my apartment.
  14. The Postman. This was a mild flirtation that had been going on since I was first dating man number 4. He was engaged and I didn’t know this when we finally got together. They split up, we dated, and he turned into an asshole. He started ignoring phone calls and not turning up at mine when we had made plans. I turned into a bunny boiler that hid his passport so he couldn’t go on a lad’s holiday. He shouldn’t have left it at mine, really! *Evil grin!*
  15. The Lapdog. This guy has been going on for years. We dated years ago, it didn’t work. He was younger, most definitely more into me than I was into him, and we have been sleeping together on and off for around 7 years. I love him. He loves me. We just don’t work in a relationship. He thinks we do, he gets too full on and I freak out. We stopped sleeping together around the same time I got with my current man, but we can’t be around each other without stuff happening, hence why I am trying to stay away from him. The sex is amazing. OH MY GOD amazing! Another story for sure!
  16. Drunk Army Guy. I came home with more money than I went out with that night, which I’m assuming is not a good thing. We spent the entire night together drinking and he walked me back to mine. We f***ed on a wall around the corner from my house, I got off then jumped off, leaving him most unsatisfied.
  17. The Guy with the Tiny Penis. He is now an actor I believe. Tiny!
  18. Another guy with a tiny penis that had just gotten out of prison. We’ll call him Prison Guy. By tiny penis, I mean smaller than number 17 – smaller than my pinkie finger. As you can imagine, I definitely faked it.
  19. The Bad Memory. He was the best friend of a guy I was dating at the time. He was awful – he smelled bad, he didn’t brush his teeth, my boyfriend cheated on me, and I got my revenge. Gross. Possibly the worst night of my life.
  20. The boyfriend I was actually dating when I cheated with the above guy. Scratched my back, tied me up, and blindfolded me, and that was just our first f***! He blew my mind. I revisited this a few years later and it was most disappointing!
  21. The “Oh My God” Guy. Slept with a couple of times, horrible in bed, tried to deny it ever since. When he came, his leg twitched and he shouted “oh my god” over and over again until it freaked me out. Very bizarre.
  22. The Guy with the Monobrow. It was last orders at the bar, he showed me attention, I took him home. He was horrible, left a hickey on my neck the size of Texas, and called me 36 times in 2 hours the next day. No joke. It looked like I had been strangled. He was a virgin and he fell in love with me that night. It took a lot of ignoring phone calls to get rid of him.
  23. My Mr. Grey – the guy that is the craziest, best sex EVER! He made me ropes, fisted me, showed me how to squirt, has his cock pierced a whole bunch of times, and rocks my world. He works away a lot, we never found the right time to get together properly. I love him too but all of our experiences are based on bad timing. We sleep together regularly – whenever we are in the same country at the same time, regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not.
  24. The Older Guy. I was 18, he was 35. He was adorable and oh so much fun! His beautiful motorbike was awesome too.
  25. The Take Me to the Woods Guy. He literally took me to the woods and screwed me. It was kinda hot. His girlfriend found out.
  26. The Neighbour’s Husband. I actually sound like a whore now.
  27. The Guy With the Big Ears. I actually considered leaving the hubby for this guy. He was hot, hench, and covered in tattoos. This, again, will be another story.
  28. The Married Guy. I was young and stupid. He was old and “leaving his wife”. It never happened, obviously, and secretly, I think he broke my heart.
  29. The Big Love. I can’t say a lot about this guy right now because my heart is still actually breaking. This guy rocked my world in every way, and I miss him with every ounce of my soul. I actually think this guy was “The One”, despite all of the things that ripped us apart. I’m a little teary right now.
  30. The drunk guy after the bar that I can’t remember on the other side of the world.
  31. The guy my girlfriend set me up with so she could screw his mate.
  32. The fireman on the other side of the world that was sooo awkward, I couldn’t wait to get out. There is nothing attractive about a man walking towards you, silk boxer shorts at his ankles, waddling with a condom attached. I did it twice though….
  33. The guy that was such a dousche, I don’t even want to talk about it yet. First guy after my last heartbreak. He was kind of cute, lost his hard-on halfway through our drunken night, and turned out to be a total douschebag.
  34. The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of – that’s where this beautiful blog first began!
  35. The Hip High School Kid with the perfect smile and floppy hair. Shy, timid, yet cocky little shit that won me over with his beautiful smile. It was only a one or two time thing, I can’t remember. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t memorable either.
  36. This one was the Hot High School Kid. We got drunk, fucked a bit, and I vomited on him after one too many Red Aftershock shots! He now lives on the other side of the world, engaged to be married and is seriously HOT! So glad I did that!
  37. One Ball! He’s the divorced guy with three kids; the one that I wouldn’t normally be into, with a glorious cock and a great sense of humour. The one I’m trying to get rid of right now…
  38. I forgot about this guy – I can’t remember his name but I saw him when I was in the car with OB, my Mama and my Lil Sis. It was awkward. We were side by side waiting at the traffic lights. OB saw what was going on and kept asking who he was and why he kept smiling and laughing in our direction. He had a lip piercing back then but he didn’t have it now. He was a “lurchy” kinda guy – no brain cells, built like a brick shit house, kinda hot but nothing going on upstairs…. I think we slept together. I can’t remember, but I do remember hardcore making out on the couch and I was a slut back then (late teens) so yeah; it probably happened.
  39. The Navy Guy. I cheated on Number 4 – The Fireman with this guy when I went off to join the Navy. He was nothing special. I barely remember anything about him. We did have sex in a little rowing boat once though. It was at night and stuck on the beach but that’s not the point; we still had sex in a little rowing boat.
  40. The Gay Guy – right, at the time I’m pretty sure that he didn’t know he was gay but he most definitely was. Everything about him screamed gay, right down to the way that he fucked me with a banana. Blurgh. The fruit makes me gag. It was a one-time thing when I was in High School. It wasn’t a good experience.
  41. My Beautiful Tattooed Jock!
  42. The Work Colleague – Drunken night out for his leaving party. The helpful distraction from the devastating breakup from Number 41 – My Beautiful Tattooed Jock.
  43. Someone New – Hmmmm. Nice guy. Too nice in fact. I’m just not that into him.

This doesn’t include the women.

Don’t judge me!

The Tale of the 11 Hour Date

I went on a date with Jock. Our date went on for 11 hours. I had so much fun with him, I didn’t even realise what the time was. Neither did he. Uh oh…..

I didn’t think he liked me much. He didn’t hold my hand, he didn’t try to kiss me, he didn’t put his arm around me….. There was nothing. We talked and laughed a lot. We went to the arcades, we ate ice cream, we walked, we talked, at one point he even danced….. We did nothing really. Our first date was nothing. Yet I would class it as one of the best first dates I ever had.

He tried to win me a cuddly toy in the arcades and failed so I won my own, plus one for his step-daughter as well. We raced bikes and shot toy guns; competing against each other with plenty of friendly and playful banter. The cuddly toy will always remind me of that date, even if he doesn’t call.

We went for a drink in one of my local pubs and the Bestie stopped by to pick something up. I knew he would hate Jock instantly but thought what the hell. He didn’t hate him. In fact, he even went as far as to say “Yeah, he’s alright”, which for him, is fucking excellent. What the fuck? The Bestie wasn’t supposed to like him??? Now I’m fucked. Now I really fucking like this guy. As in really like him. He gave me butterflies.

He’s older looking than I thought but it hasn’t put me off. He has a little sprinkling of grey hairs – just enough for me to be able to call him a silver fox. He’s shorter than I thought too, but he’s stocky so it’s really working for me. He has this little belly that I find very endearing and he’s a hairy guy too. I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but I have a big thing for hairy guys. I hate bald guys. What’s the point in them? No thanks, I like my man to be a man and he suits me just fine.

For the last three hours of our 11 hour date, all I could think about was kissing him. We were in the car at one point and I remember looking over at him and thinking, just do it. Grab his shirt, pull his face towards you and kiss him. He kept talking to me and I was trying to pay attention to what he was saying but he was doing things to me that I can’t understand. He was looking at me, waiting for a response and I kinda nodded and agreed. I had no idea what I was agreeing to. I have no idea what he said to me. He makes me incapable of speech. I’m pretty sure I barely said anything throughout the entire date. I wouldn’t blame him if he never called me again.

His voice is beautiful. It reminds me of My Mr. Grey so bad. It’s almost exactly the same voice. At the same time, the way he looks reminds me of the Fireman – Number 4. His face, build and even the way he walks reminds me of him. And that guy was fucking dynamite in bed.

He’s like a combination of almost all of my ex-boyfriends rolled into one. The Big Love – the way he dresses. Oh and the fact that he has a past drug problem…..The Lapdog – the hats he wears. The Hubby – same accent/home country/temperament in some cases. I’ll explain these as and when I come across them more, I’m sure. The same applies to My Mr. Grey. He also reminds me of the Older Guy too. He is like all the things I used to love about the guys I’ve dated in the past, all rolled up in one pretty cute, damn funny, mighty cocky package.

One thing I can’t stand about him already – he can’t make a decision to save his life. Every question took us forever to answer. What do you want to do now? Are you hungry? What do you want to do next? Do you want to go for a drink? Every question I asked him was met with an “I don’t know”, “I don’t mind”, or “It’s up to you.” It was literally the most frustrating thing I’ve ever come across in my entire life.

Looking back now, (Jock has messaged me) and it would appear the date went perfectly for him too. He dropped me off around the corner and as I went to get out the car, he leaned in towards me. I gave him one cheek. I wasn’t giving it away that easy and to be honest, I bottled it. I had wanted to kiss him for so long and now it was finally happening, I wanted to run away. The second his lips touched my cheek, I wanted him right there and then. I moved my head and kissed him. Holy fucking hell. He had all this cockiness earlier on in the date, saying that he was the best at kissing and knew what he was doing in bed. I didn’t have high hopes for him. I imagined it would be all talk and no action. It wasn’t. It was one of the best kisses of my life. I actually smiled in the middle of it. It was the perfect kiss. His lips were soft, his motion firm, just the right amount of tongue action….. Oh my god. I really want this guy.

I can imagine this guy being really good in bed. The way his tongue moved just gave me a little sneak peek into what it could do elsewhere on my body. His hands and fingers – yep, I can imagine the way they would feel as they wandered everywhere. It would be hot and passionate and, from what I could make out, satisfying. By that I mean I don’t think he is small “down there!”

We are messaging each other right now and he likes me too!!! I have suggested camping for a date some time soon. I’m thinking first time sex with him should be epic. A few beers, campfire, music…… Tell me that hasn’t got FUCK ME written all over it?!? In response to this he suggested hotel, champagne and hot tub. Erm okay! I’m kinda hoping he’s serious….

Our texts are getting naughtier as the night goes on. I think he might just be as good as he says he is. He prides himself on reading body language really well and as much as I hate to admit it, he’s reading me like a book. I was prim and proper throughout the whole date but he said that I made a couple of innuendos and my eyes narrowed when I made them. This told him I have naughty eyes. He says that being able to read body language will tell him what I really like in bed and this will make it great for me. I think he might be right. And I’m super excited to find out whether or not it is true. I will be adding this one to the list. He has my attention. There is no way I can’t sleep with him. With OB, I waited three dates. My head is telling me to wait four dates as I know he likes the amount of will power and class that I have. He tells me this regularly. However, and this is a mighty big however; I seriously don’t think I can wait that long. He is so sexy in a really odd way for me. And it has been such a long time for me now…..

I must wait four dates. I must wait four dates. Or maybe three. I don’t know. Ah!

I guess I’m in trouble again 😉