There’s something wrong. I can’t work out what it is. I thought about cutting myself recently. This morning, I got so frustrated when my hair wouldn’t go right that I scratched the tops of both arms so hard, I drew blood. I didn’t mean to scratch so hard but it just kinda happened. Then, when I got home from work and took my work shirt off, I realized that they had actually scabbed over and there had been blood on my shirt. Fuck.
This is how it starts every time. I know my own pattern. I start to get frustrated with little things and sometimes I pull little clumps of hair out of my head. Sometimes I tug my eyelashes out. Then it gets to a point where this isn’t enough and I think about cutting myself. I know the pattern. I recognize the pattern. I just can’t work out what’s causing the pattern.
I’m not sadder than usual.
I am smoking an awful lot of pot, especially now the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With has started smoking with me socially – usually heading to local riverfronts or cinemas for a fun night that doesn’t cost a lot. I have started to become concerned with the amount of pot I’m smoking. It’s nice though – I like how chilled out it makes me. I know I need to start slowing down though.
Things are not going well between OB and I. I have cancelled the past two weekends he was meant to have come down and I’m already wondering how to get out of this weekend coming. We need to break up. In fact, we did break up about a week ago. The situation went a little something like this:
We had a fight after he kept calling me while I was with the Bestie one night, and because I didn’t respond, he text my Lil Sis. I was livid. Anyway, a couple of nights later, he kept bugging me when I was trying to write and I put his calls on auto-reject. I have a living to earn and he was interfering. I have been doing a lot of my part time job, almost to the point that I am working full time hours, and I still have my freelance writing to do and my new business to keep running. He knew I was busy yet bugged me anyway – I felt he deserved it.
Well, it turns out that I forgot to take his calls off auto-reject when I finished writing and got into bed, and it was still on auto-reject for his calls when I was awoken in the morning by some pretty angry text messages. OB was pissed. He asked why his calls had gone onto auto-reject, why I was ignoring him, what he had done wrong… I felt so guilty but instead of telling him the truth, I lied. I told him that I had put ALL my calls on auto-reject because I was trying to get an early night and I made him feel really bad about the angry messages he had sent me. I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt it was best that we parted ways. He agreed with me.
I lay there in my bed with my head buried in the pillow and cried for a full 20 minutes. It was refreshing. It’s been a really long time since I cried. To be honest, I hardly have anything really to cry about. That’s the thing about my life right now – it’s fine. I have absolutely no reason to smoke the amount of pot that I smoke or to even consider thinking about cutting myself. What the fuck is going wrong?
OB and I made up, of course – we all saw that one coming but the one thing that did surprise me was the upset that I felt once it had been said. I do genuinely care about this guy – I do love him. I really do. We do need to break up. He has completely lost my attention. I’m cancelling on him and avoiding his calls. I’m being such a bitch to him and he really doesn’t deserve it. I think he might have bought me the shoes that I have been lusting after since I came home. The Big Bang Theory shoes:
He is the perfect boyfriend and I adore him. I just don’t want to play with him anymore. He’s just becoming clingy and annoying. It’s really irritating the shit out of me. On an enormous level. He really doesn’t deserve this but I can’t break up with him. And I know, for sure, that he won’t break up with me. What the hell am I going to do? To make things worse, he went and got bloody Facebook AND added me as a friend. I’ve ignored that for now but you know he’s going to want to talk about it.
In other news, Big Love has finally bought the house he has been lusting after for years. He owns property now; him and his new girlfriend. The one that he doesn’t reply to on Facebook. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I spent two years with this guy, paying off his debts and giving money to his ex-wife and Baby Momma. I gave this guy beautiful furniture in a beautiful home – a home that he wouldn’t have been able to have without me. He got his nice stereo system and TV, an amazing bedroom and artwork that I can’t believe I was stupid enough to leave behind. He had none of this before me and he even admitted to me that he wouldn’t ever have had that much of a stylish home if it hadn’t been for me. He has all those things with her now. In their new home. I’m very saddened by the fact that he isn’t even living in our beautiful little home anymore. It will always hold the happiest of memories for me. I hope it does for him too.
He’s going to marry this girl. He’s going to marry her and have babies with her. He desperately wants what Mr. C has. He’s gonna get it too. I hate that he’s bought the house with her. That was meant to have been me. That’s what all my money went towards. I have never felt so abused and used before in my life. We spent two years together. We did three different continents together. We survived a war zone together. I left my husband for him. I left my family for him. I left my continent for him. How could he throw me away like I was trash? Back to the here and now and I still haven’t figured out what’s wrong. I had kinda thought writing all this out would help me to put things into perspective, but all its done is made things even more complicated for me.
Oh and I’m back to wanting to fuck my boss again. Go figure.