I meant to upload this post yesterday but OB ended up coming home and I never quite got around to it. So, I’ll post it now and then add today’s thoughts on. Is that OK with you guys? Well, it’s tough really.
Saturday 16th March:
OB has got to go. Now don’t get me wrong; I don’t want us to break up or anything dramatic like that. I just want him to go home now. Long story short, (although to be fair it never is with me!) our one week off together has been extended to two weeks off together. Out of those two weeks, he spent two days helping his mate, and the night too. I also worked for two of those days. I was meant to have worked a third, but I needed a sick day. I don’t know why; I can’t explain it. I just needed it. And it was one of the days that he spent with his friend.
HE’S ALWAYS AROUND. Oh my god I want to get high, eat more food than a human should ever be seen consume, veg out in my pajamas and watch re-runs of old TV shows, pretending to do writing work. I can’t do that when he’s here. I have tried. He just makes me feel bad even though he’s not doing anything at all apart from play the Xbox or read a book on his new iPad.
He’s the perfect boyfriend and I feel like a fucking bitch. He lets me write when I need to write whether it’s for work, my blog or my business. In fact, he has no problem whatsoever with me being sat in front of my computer for hours while he does his thing. It’s amazing; we click. I just don’t feel comfortable showing him too much of that side yet though. That geeky side where I can sit and get lost staring at a screen as I type down the scattered thoughts that are going through my head. I’ll have my glasses on, a cup of tea in front of me, hair that could do with a wash, some crappy old TV show on in the background. I can sit in the same position for hours getting lost in my words. It’s becoming an addiction. I can’t let him see that side of me.
This second week has been volatile for us. By volatile I mean ridiculously stupid for long term couples that have “REAL” fights, but to me they are big. I’m snappy. I have bad hair days. I have days when I don’t want to leave the house. He’s crap at making proper decisions. He’s not strong enough to stand up to me sometimes. I’m walking all over him. We had one fight and he actually stormed out of my house. It wasn’t even a real fight – we just threw a few words at each when deciding over dinner and the next thing I knew, he had gone! It lasted about 3 minutes!
This morning I was so angry at him, I could have broken up with him there and then. Last night he told me he would take me to work this morning. I was relieved – it’s been cold so I hate public transport and walking with the bitter chill. This morning, I got up, did my thing and got ready for work. He asked me what the weather was like and I replied with “Rainy/windy” He told me that he wasn’t going to get out of bed. Do not fuck with me in the morning you fucking creature; have you got a fucking death wish?
I started stomping and he didn’t get the hint. I went to leave the house and realized it was pissing down with rain, and then had to run back and grab change to get the bus rather than walk. I stomped round to the bus stop, stood in the pissing rain and the bus drove straight past me. Now I hate using this word but at this moment in time, I could say one thing – “Cunt!” I was absolutely livid. I had to wait ten minutes before the next bus getting drenched.
I got to work 6 minutes late so now I’m on a late tracker apparently. I am late an awful lot to be fair. My time keeping is definitely diabolical. I also had make up running all down my face. My jeans were soaked right up to my knee and I was in a foul mood. I ignored the first few messages that OB sent me but as the day went on, I softened. He should have just taken me to work though, especially as he said he would.
I think we have just been around each other too much. We are loving this long distance thing and seem to have it pretty much figured out. Spending two weeks together is just straining something that’s working pretty well. This brings me to my next point…
If we can’t last more than a week together without fighting, what kind of future are we going to have? Surely that means that we have no chance of living together? We’d kill each other. Is this just a “for now” relationship, or have we just bent the rules to make it work how we like it, and we are going to have the bend the rules eventually later on when we do get to the point where we are ready to live together?
One thing is for sure. He had better be going home tomorrow otherwise I’m leaving him.
Well that was yesterday and now it’s today. Its 930pm on Sunday night and he left about 5 hours ago. Thank the fucking lord for that. The last couple of hours that he was here were brutal and I literally couldn’t wait for him to leave. Then, when he finally did, I smoked a spliff, sat on the edge of my bed and stared into oblivion for almost half an hour straight. I had my own space back. It was a moment of relief.
I don’t know if we have just had a dodgy week or if I’m not sure about things anymore but I’m starting to question our relationship. Is he enough for me? I thought so at first but now I’m not so sure. I keep seeing this playful side that just reminds me too much of a boy that hasn’t quite grown up, and the sanctimonious way he talks about having kids is starting to, quite frankly, piss me off. He slaps my ass in public too much. He eats too much. He doesn’t know how to make a decision. His bedroom routine is starting to get predictable…. Is this just part and parcel of getting into a relationship; finding out those little quirks that irritate the shit out of you? Or are we in trouble already?
I think I must be due on my period soon. I told OB I was today so that he didn’t make me sleep with him again. That sounds so awful but my libido just sunk right down. I also just wanted to be cuddled all night. I went to bed early and we woke up early which makes a change; I’m usually up all night and I struggle to wake up in the morning.
I messaged My Mr. Grey tonight. I’m not sure why. I was having the awesome post-spliff wank and he popped into my head all of a sudden so when I was finished, I messaged him. I miss him tonight. Or maybe it’s just because I have been left on my own again – I’m going to need to adjust to having my own space back?
Don’t get me wrong, I love OB but things are just a little stale right now. One thing is for sure – we can’t manage two weeks together just yet. This past week has been a nightmare, and although we managed to pull it back together at the end of the week with snuggles and kisses, it still put a dampening on things, I felt.
I’m going to enjoy a nice early night with my bed and a good book on my iPad. I have a new one about serial killers (my favorite genre of book) to read. I need a night of quiet reflection and I’m gonna enjoy the crap outta it!