May 13th, 2012 – The Lapdog: Get Outta My Head

He’s in my head again; The Lapdog. We have communicated recently, and I saw his girlfriend walking past me earlier when I was outside my place of work having a quick smoke with my sister. It didn’t help that I came home and went through a bunch of files I have on my computer and found a few letters that I’m pretty sure I never gave or sent him. These were from before I started my blog, and I thought, rather than waste them, I should publish them. This one is dated May 13th, 2012: (*Names have been changed)

I know you said you wanted a hand written letter, but then I’d have to deliver it you and that would make me cry again so I thought I’d just email you instead. I hope this is OK. I’ll try to find the most hand-written font I can find for it.

You just walked out and it broke my heart. I wanted to run down the stairs after you but I know what you are saying is right. You need to go get happy, and so do I. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that you aren’t enough. It just means that the timing isn’t right for us, yet again.

I do love you. I just don’t have enough to give you right now and you don’t deserve half a shot, if that makes sense? You are more than enough for me. I don’t care that you wear baggy jeans or polo’s, I don’t care that you don’t do your hair every day, I don’t care that you are not, (as you put it) hench. I don’t care about any of that stuff. I adore you for the person you are, the way that you make me feel and the fact that nothing ever changes between us. This is also why I know why we can’t work as friends. We can’t keep away from each other. You kiss me and I fall apart. When it’s just me and you, we are perfect. But we can’t just be me and you all the time. I need to go out and have my friends, I need to meet new people, I need to go out and have fun, and not just with girls, because I don’t like them much. I have always had more male friends than I have had female ones, and the fact that you automatically take a disliking to my male friends, regardless of what our intentions may be, makes it so difficult to figure out. I can’t just go out with you every night for the rest of my life, life doesn’t work like that and neither does relationships.

I know that you are right; I know the time apart will do us good. That DOES NOT mean I have to like it. I know we don’t text all day every day like we used it, and I am so sorry about that. However, we spend so much time together, the little texts don’t seem necessary any more. Then we would have nothing to talk about when we do see each other, does that make sense? I miss you when you don’t text me, and I know that the next little while is going to be so difficult with us not being in each other’s lives. I do get where you are coming from though – I understand how it feels to love someone with everything you have, and not feel as if you are getting the same back. I don’t know what is wrong with “us” right now, but I do know that it is not a good foundation for a relationship. It barely works as a friendship right now. You’re paranoid and jealous, I don’t show enough emotion. I would rather bottle everything up and take it out on myself than have to talk to you about it. For example, I would never say how much I still hate it that {your skanky ex} messages you. Not only because I don’t have a right as we are not together, but also because I’m not that kind of person. You take it as I don’t care, but in reality, it bugs me more than you will ever understand. Maybe that’s what I need? To hear of you in a happy relationship before I realize that I want you all the time. Harsh, but true. You know what we crazy chicks are like.

I do want you. More than just sex. I really need you to understand that. I love spending time with you, I love being around you, even when it’s nothing, it’s still something, you know? There are just so many reasons why I can’t commit to that right now, and when you’re in front of me, it’s hard to know where to even begin to explain. I need space – you know this. I get freaked out by the closeness, especially because I wasn’t used to it from The Big Love. I can’t deal with telling someone where I am all the time; it annoys me when you ask. Like when you asked what I was doing with The Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With, what time I was going out, when I was coming home, what was I doing? I get defensive and annoyed, because again, I am not used to someone keeping tabs on me all the time. I don’t know how to deal with it. I also don’t like the constant texts. I know it was different at the beginning and you might think it’s different with The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, but if you look back through our text conversations, you will clearly see a whole bunch of texts from him before I respond. And like I said, that changes in a relationship, which is basically how I was living, and I see you every night almost, I have only seen The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of once, which is why we text. However, when I don’t text you back straight away, you get annoyed and defensive, asking where I am, why am I pissed off and not responding etc.

I still want to lose weight and if we get together now, or if I get together with anyone, I’ll get comfortable and put the weight on again. I have worked so hard to lose the weight that I have lost, and I have done barely anything recently in the way of working out, which has annoyed me. The same goes for smoking. I can’t be in a relationship with a smoker; otherwise I will end up being a smoker. That’s not me telling you to quit, that’s me saying that I need to become a strong enough non-smoker before I can start hanging around with a smoker.

I need to have my rebound fling, and if we keep doing what we are doing, you are going to end up being my rebound fling. You are worth so much more than that in my eyes. However, I have so much anger and resentment towards the men that I have had in my life, I now need to rebel – I need to be mean and non-committal, I need to date because I have NEVER dated. I need to do bad dates, and good dates. Otherwise, I’m going to regret and resent the person that stopped me from doing that five years or whatever down the line. I need to be really, really selfish. I have given the guys in my life everything that I had, stupidly, and now I need to do what’s right for me. Just for a little while, at least.

This is not me saying that we are never going to work. This is me saying that there is so much I need to figure out first. I don’t need to go out and shag every guy that looks at me, and I definitely don’t want you to think that. I do need to meet people though, and have new experiences and have fun. Whatever those new experiences and fun may mean. I have so many bad things about me right now that I need to sort out. I need to learn how to get angry and deal with it properly rather than hurting myself. I have been on the brink so many times since I came home and I haven’t done it and I am so very, very proud of myself. That might sound utterly retarded to you, but to me, that’s a big achievement. I want to be able to wear skirts and bikinis, and the only way I am going to be able to do that is if I stop cutting. I need to sort that part of me out first. I also need to learn how to deal with jealousy better. I need to stop taking my mood swings out on the people around me, like you. I need to mourn for The Big Love. I still think about him all the time and it annoys me because I hate the fact that he is still in my head. That’s not fair on you. It’s not fair on me either.

I adore you. You are my best friend. I can’t imagine you not being in my life again, even after these three short months. However, I can’t stand how much this is hurting you. I can’t give you all of me. I can’t give anyone all of me. I’m not ready. The thing is I would kill any girl that ever made you cry like I make you cry. I can’t stand seeing you like that, and I definitely can’t stand being the girl that caused that. I will ALWAYS be there for you. ALWAYS. Just like you come running to me, I always come running to you. I don’t know how we always end up in these stupid situations, and it definitely hasn’t gotten any easier to deal with over time. I can’t do that to you anymore. And I don’t want you to wait for me either. If you find a girl that makes you smile, go for it. I probably will be jealous and angry because I missed my shot, in fact, I would like to bet money on it. But, more than anything in this world, I want you to be happy because you deserve it! Go be single. Do the single thing. Just like I need to. Like I keep saying, you can’t be happy in a relationship if you are not happy being single. I can’t make you happy, only you can. It works the same for me – I’m not happy with myself. Therefore I can’t rely on you to give me that temporary happiness, because at the end of the day, I still don’t end up sorting the issues out that I have with myself.

I hope this works out for us, in whatever way that it is meant to. I do know that I can’t watch you be this upset anymore, and I would imagine the same applies for you. If you need me, please don’t hesitate to call me. I will always be right at the end of the phone for you. I just hope we are doing the right thing by giving each other space. One thing is certain – I love you. Get happy x

I Miss You in General

One thought on “May 13th, 2012 – The Lapdog: Get Outta My Head

  1. Pingback: The “Joey” Move. | Not So Sex in the City!

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