Fucking Fuckity Fuck!

I keep avoiding this post simply because I don’t even know what to say right now. As mentioned in my last frantic post, My Mr. Grey is back.

“You never said you were in a relationship. Miss hearing from you :(”

I guess he found my new relationship status then. I tried to skirt around the topic, as he had done so many times before, by saying that I thought I had mentioned OB, and let’s just say the conversation got heated.

He said that he knew I was too good to be true and he wished I had spoken to him about it. I told him how annoyed I was that I laid my heart and my feelings down on the line for him to basically ignore every question I ever asked about him making a commitment to me. Long story short, he didn’t want to tell me how he really felt over the phone. He didn’t want to “ask me out” in a text message. Remember the wedding that he invited me to last year? Well, according to him, he had avoided our commitment chat over the phone because he had a little something special planned. He had booked an expensive hotel, bought himself a new suit, prepared champagne and roses and was going to do the whole big romantic gesture thing. I didn’t go to the wedding….

Romance. How could I have not thought about this? I know what kind of guy My Mr. Grey is – he is a romantic guy. He treats me like a princess – there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me. How could I have ignored the big “R” word? Are we women treated so shoddily these days that the mere thought of romance doesn’t even bounce into our perfectly groomed heads?

I apologize in advance if this post seems to flump all over the place but I have no idea what to think or what to write. He told me that he was going to come down and see me in March and I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him all about OB too. If he comes down to see me, he’s going to look at me once and I know I’m going to melt into a soft mess on the floor in front of him. I’ve always loved him, what the fuck am I doing?

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I told him that I didn’t want him to come down and see me, and he told me that for that weekend alone, he promised he wouldn’t lay a hand on me. We both know what will happen if he comes down – I’m going to cheat on OB; something I really don’t want to do. I love OB and he’s a good guy. He doesn’t deserve me leaving him for a guy that couldn’t make his mind up just a few months ago, and he certainly doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.

My Mr. Grey told me that he knows I’m “The One”. He said that he compares every girl to me, and that’s why no relationship works for him. He told me that he hadn’t slept with anyone since me, and you know what, I believe this. He told me that he wants to have a family with me and even if we didn’t work out, he would stand by me and our make-believe child until the end of the world. I know he means this too. He would make an absolutely fabulous Daddy. And to be honest, the whole kid thing has been playing on my mind for a while now. It’s something that I will talk about another time; I already have far too much going on in my head.

He wants me and he said he’s going to wait for me. He’s going to fight for me. And you know what makes all this worse, I know he’s going to grind me down. I’ve never been able to say no to him and I don’t think I ever have. What the hell am I going to do? I love OB but I’ve loved My Mr. Grey for a lot longer. 6 months hardly compares to 8 years, does it? On the other side of the coin, however, OB knew he wanted me and came and got me. My Mr. Grey didn’t do this – he planned the big romantic gesture that I never made it to. Surely he must have known that the big romantic gesture would be lost on me? I’m not an expensive hotel and red rose’s kinda gal. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a MASSIVE fan of champagne, but I would have been just as happy, if not more so, by him telling me how he felt instead of trying to get me to travel to the other side of the country, to go to a wedding of someone I have never even met, just to tell me he loves me. I already knew that dumbass – What were you playing at?

What do I do? Potentially screw everything up with OB to run away and make a life with My Mr. Grey? He’s made it perfectly clear that he’ll always love me, he will fight for me and that’s where he wants us to end up. I made mistakes before – I chose The Hubby over My Gr. Grey, and The Big Love after that too. Would I be making the same mistake if I pick OB over him this time around? My Mr. Grey has such bad timing – when I got engaged to The Hubby, he turned up to confess his undying love for me. The same happened when I left The Hubby and got together with The Big Love. Here we are again – I finally find someone that I love and can have good times with and he decides to muscle his way back and demand what he thinks is rightfully his.

I sent him a link to my blog last night – I Asked the Questions and Got No Answers! He was coming across as though I didn’t give a shit about him and I wanted him to know how I REALLY felt. And still feel! It got my point across and he promised that he wouldn’t read anymore. I believe him – he’s not that kind of guy. He wouldn’t like some of the stuff I had written anyway. I haven’t been able to get him out of my head all day and I feel so bad for OB – he doesn’t deserve this bullshit. He’s a nice guy. So far……

So now I am at a dilemma. Do I let My Mr. Grey go once again and pursue my relationship with OB? Or do I let go of OB to run to the other side of the country for the guy that I have desired for 8 years? Help me guys – I’m lost.

Oh and before I go, just to add insult to injury, The Lapdog decided to text me in the early hours of this morning to tell me that he had heard the song Hot Right now – DJ Fresh & Rita Ora and it reminded him of me. His brother got married last year and we left the reception, along with his sister in her bridesmaid’s dress, to go to a nearby club. We were both on MDMA that we had taken on the way. We were mashed out of our minds and this song came on, so we danced, bounced and jumped our way through the entire song. We then went back to his that night and had the crazy, uninhibited sex that comes with that particular drug to that song. It soon became “our song!” I will talk about our MDMA nights another time.

In my crying, sleepy haze mid-conversation with My Mr. Grey I made the mistake of messaging him back. It was polite and courteous; nothing too dramatic. He proposed us catching up over beers soon, to which I replied “Maybe.” That’s all I need right now – My Mr. Grey muscling in and fucking everything up and now The Lapdog has decided to have a shot at it too.

Lots of love,

Very Confused & Torn 😦

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5 thoughts on “Fucking Fuckity Fuck!

  1. I don’t know. I would suspect its not a coincidence that he reappears whenever he sees you attaching yourself to anyone else. It’s like some men require jealousy to provoke them into action. If he was that hung on forever with you he could have travelled to you to make these elaborate romantic gestures and done so despite you not showing up for the wedding. Don’t you think?

    • I guess so…. I think sometimes I get blindsided by the fairy tale of him to be honest. He’s like this beautiful unicorn that I get to play with every once in a while, but as soon as a real life situation comes about, shit gets real and one of us backs off. Maybe he’s just meant to be my unicorn?

  2. OMG what is it with guys spending years making our hearts soar for them, in ways that offer so much promise but with very little reward? I say, if you see something and you want it, you go for it. That’s a healthy response. See something, want it, kind of half go for it then back off really quickly from fear or something else? Then take the responsibility for your actions. I don’t trust your Mr Grey. I’m sorry. I totally get the situation though, and I have been in the same dilemma recently myself (only without a new suitor. Yet).

    If OB is amazing, you think it has really great potential, he’s trustworthy, loving, reliable, emotionally mature and honest… and not a total drip, then pick him. Your Mr Grey could be all about the drama, and not so much about the long haul. xx

    • I know right? You know when you get that feeling that it wouldn’t matter which one you chose, you’d be in the wrong somehow anyway…. That is kinda where I am right now. They both have their pros and cons, probably about equal amounts of each. I can’t make sense of the situation at all and it’s driving me mad. Your comments are always appreciated though. Just wish I could employ you to make my love decisions for me! xoxo

  3. In the quest to hear ones self you don’t make any elaborate plans you realize you know yourself inside and make the choices that always speaks to make the choice that is you. If you wallow around, If you don’t communicate and share what you feel and it becomes one sided. You then leave everything to chance which is where you are now. I would say you haven’t been faithful to OB if you haven’t shared this feeling you carry for Mr. Grey something about it feels that he will never have your complete heart nor will Mr. Grey for that matter. Yet is it that you have found someone who is making your heart full while the other wished they could reap the rewards. This can happen. Not because you go back and forth in motion. You go back in forth in your mind that he is the one. Yet, you can’t be in love with someone you think someone is. This core error plagues us in the hours that keep us awake. Why didn’t I? why doesn’t she? If you clear your mind your answer will come. If you were thinking about OB and feeling what he was giving you. Then Mr. Grey should have been reading this from you when you were after him for 8 years. If you were alone and waiting… realize that you may not have sent the signals that called to him. He failed to speak and never took control of his own actions to allow you to feel him. If it didn’t happen in 8 years what kept it from happening? Is your love any less? Is the magic you feel for him something he let go? Didn’t seize the moment? Does he know what love is to you? What is he offering besides a commitment? There is so much more ya know! How deep is the commitment going to be? I suppose when I read this I felt your indecisiveness based on a playing of old content of the mind that left you without him. Are you sure this path is the path you need to make?

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