As Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory would say – “Watch your back Jack, bitches be crazy!”
Never a truer word could be said as I wandered around on the internet one night and came across this simply hilarious (not not really) post on The Eagle Online, simply titled “Florida Woman Arrested for assaulting boyfriend over bad oral sex”
First of all, holy fucking cow. Who the hell beats their partner up after bad sex? We all get frustrated, but ladies; get your shit together!
Looking further into the tale and I come to the conclusion that this is not the only case of battery after bad sex. There are plenty of stories to look upon with horror. Wow, bitches really do be crazy!
I’ve had my fair of bad sex. I’ve had my fair of good sex. At not one point, during either of these two sexual styles, did I want to beat the living crap out of my partner because I deemed his lovemaking skills not worthy. I’ve wanted to beat a few, of course, but with whips and paddles…… Not my fist!
Do guys really piss you off so bad in bed that you feel the need to batter them? I’ve never felt like that with a guy that’s not managed to get me off, but I strop and sulk, preferring to play with myself VERY LOUDLY so that they can hear and feel bad. Then, when they come running with their tales between their legs, horny because they can hear me climaxing in the next room, begging for a quick shot, I say no and carry on having my wicked way with myself. And guys – you always do it. What’s the point?
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t like to fake it and I rarely do these days. If I’m not going to cum, you had better change your style, and if that doesn’t work I’ll just do it myself. I can just as easily reach my hand between my legs and fiddle while you are fucking me from behind, thank you very much. I don’t see the point in faking. Men need encouragement. Give them the wrong encouragement and you are setting yourself up for a very long and unsatisfying sex life. How do you ever expect them to get it right?
However…. I know that the body is not a simple machine. Sometimes girls can’t climax. Sometimes boys can’t climax. For the most part, it is no-one’s fault. These things happen. The body is a very complex instrument, and one that should not be taken lightly. Sometimes they can’t get a rhythm on your clit, and sometimes you can’t bounce at the right intensity when you are on top – shit happens, get over it!
Seriously ladies who are currently beating their boyfriends for bad oral sex; give it a rest! The guys have a hard enough time trying to please us women, without us beating on them for not getting it right. Practice makes perfect – it’s the perfect excuse to get more of what you like, and to train him at the same time too!
Back to the slightly more serious topic of this conversation, we should look at the implications of such a crime. Jail. Actual jail time. He may come first tonight, but remember where he’s going to be coming when you are in JAIL!!!! Think about this seriously – it doesn’t make any sense!
If you ever get the urge to batter your boyfriends when he comes prematurely, why not show him how it’s done and punish him at the same time? It makes perfect sense – tie him up at the end of the bed and watch him squirm while you bring yourself to an earth-shattering orgasm just out his reach. There’s no better conclusion. And no one has to go to jail.