Today I am in a very weird place. In fact I’ve been in a weird place for a few days now. I haven’t really had anything to write. Or maybe I did and just didn’t know where to start?
Two days before Christmas. This should be a time of cheer and I don’t see myself cheering. I’ve worked so many hours at work and run around after the family so much, as well as my freelance writing to afford Christmas as my pay hasn’t been right for the last few times, that I’ve forgotten about Christmas altogether. It’s 9:34pm on Christmas Eve-Eve and I still haven’t wrapped anything. In fact, I still haven’t bought everything I wanted to buy for people Still I work better under pressure so hopefully a last minute dash for it on Christmas Eve itself will prove fruitful.
I haven’t really thought about the Big Love much recently which lead me to think that I was starting to get over him. I also found this very interesting article on 26 Milestones to Pass after a breakup which I decided to test myself on.
According to the article, there are 26 milestones that you have to pass in order to be over someone. Clearly I’m not going to work my way through them all, firstly because some of them are unnecessary, and secondly because we will be here forever. And no-one has time for that right now.
*The first milestone is not instantly thinking about him when you wake up in the morning. Well, I’ve not done that in a while now.
*Number seven was when you deleted his number from your phone. Well I haven’t done that yet. I have recently discovered that he no longer has an iPhone now which makes me sad. I felt comfort in the fact that he was just an iMessage away and now he’s not. I have restored the phone so none of his messages are on there anymore. That’s got to be progress, right?
*When you de-friend him on Facebook and un-follow him on Twitter was milestone number 8. I deleted him from my Facebook before I even left the other side of the world, and he never had Twitter anyway.
*Number nine was when you stop asking mutual friends to keep you updated. Well I’ve never really done that either – I stalked his Facebook more than a few times because he has everything public (TWAT) and it was easy. I blocked him a few times, but also unblocked him. Funnily enough, almost every time I have unblocked him I have had a message from him within a few days.
*When you find a spare pair of his socks and don’t crumble is number 10. I threw most of his things away when I came back to this side of the world. He did have a whole bunch of stuff here that he left when we were this side together. There were a couple of things I kept though. I still have a pair of his shorts. They are comfy. I also have a t-shirt of his which, funnily enough, he had never even worn. I also have one of his t-shirts that made up his uniform in the war zone where we met. These aren’t things I crumble over however; they are just memories from our time together. Is that the same thing?
*Number 12 was flirting with a new man because you actually want to, not just to prove that you still can after all this time. Well there have been a few guys since Big Love. One Ball is the closest I’ve gotten to feeling something even closely resembling emotional attachment to someone so I’m going to check this milestone box.
*Number 20 was when you are getting undressed at night or getting ready for something and you realize that what you are putting on or taking off was something he bought you. There are still certain garments of clothing that bring a lump to my throat – that red dress for his work Christmas party, the Louboutin’s he bought me for my birthday and the hoodie that he bought me in the war zone. He never really bought me clothes so I don’t even know if this milestone applies to me.
*The first major holiday you manage to get through on your own. Well I guess in two days we will know the answer to this one. I know this Christmas can’t suck half as much as what the last one did.
*When you genuinely realize that you don’t want him anymore. I’m stuck with this milestone. I KNOW I don’t want to be with him anymore and I know it would never work if we were to get back together. It doesn’t stop me pining for him though. It doesn’t stop my heart from hurting.
*When you are genuinely happy about him and his girlfriend. Well remember in one of my last posts I said she looked fat in one of the Facebook pictures? Well, there’s another picture and she is definitely a bigger girl. Bigger than I ever got and I did put on some serious weight towards the end, before I lost it all in one go. He told me he couldn’t be with a bigger girl ever again. He also said that my weight was one of the biggest things he didn’t like about me. How the fucking hell does it make sense that he is with a big girl now? Everything he said he didn’t like about me, he’s basically found in her. She looks similar to me – she’s curvy but bigger than I got. She has blonde hair, around the same length as mine. She has pretty blue eyes – he always liked my eyes. She even dresses fairly funky; not the same as me, nut unique nevertheless. How does it make sense that he is basically dating my replica?
So I guess I answered my own theory here – I’m still not over him. Not completely anyway.
Back to the here and now, and One Ball and I still haven’t said the big “L” word. There have been a few instances which are puzzling me though – I can’t work out if he is trying to tell me he loves me but is avoiding it, or if he is trying to subtly tell me he knows I’m thinking it and not to say it yet.
He sent me song lyrics but changed the word “Love” to “like” in every possible place. He also told me that he’s “in like with me”.
Is this his way of saying the “L” word? Or is he trying to DEFINITELY put across the point that he LIKES me, but doesn’t LOVE me? Confusing, much?
The weekend up to see him is still a bit up in the air. I can’t figure out what weekend I can afford to go up there, and the one weekend I DID want, I can’t get off work. The weekend after, I will be nursing him back to health after “the snip” and he doesn’t want to wait until the weekend after that. It sounds like this weekend or no weekend. I’m not entirely sure I can afford it this weekend. Humph.
The guy I couldn’t get rid of has popped up out of the woodwork. He’s on the verge of being homeless and hates his new job right now. Plus he’s flat broke and lost his cell phone – the one I persuaded him to get in the first place. He’s looking for a spliff and one of our chats. I guess this means he wants to have sex with me. I will most definitely be steering clear. I can’t deal with his thin cock or bad kisses.
Oh and The Lapdog walked past where I worked the other day and most definitely eye-balled. He’s still with his new Bitch. I looked like a deliberate walk-by.
All I need now is for the Big Love to pop up outta nowhere and we have ourselves a full house.