I have “L” word tourettes. I have wanted to say the “L” word to One Ball every moment of every day for the last few days. It’s all I can think about. He’s all I can think about. And…. I think he feels the same.
We have had a couple of conversations about this over the past few days. Well, in a round-a-bout sort of way, anyway. We send love hearts in our text messages and we were mucking around, sending various colored hearts, when he sent the words “One Ball (big pink heart) Notsosexinthecity” Insert real names here, of course. It flashed up on my radar but to him I said nothing. I didn’t react. To the Bestie I’ve never had a dalliance with, I was freaking out. I know I have been having these little moments to myself where I think about saying those three magical little words, but I wasn’t prepared for him to start bringing it up. I ignored the message, which he picked up on later on. I told him that I had been getting ready to go out, and he said that he was worried that he had gone too far and didn’t realize what he had sent. I told him I didn’t even think about it. A few texts later I asked him if it was something that we should be thinking about, to which he replied “I don’t know, let’s talk about it later?”
Later came, and we were joking around when I said something along the lines of “You are smitten!” followed by a tongue-hanging-out face. He sent me a screen shot of a dictionary definition of smitten saying “very much in love”
Was this his way of telling me that he “L” word’s me?
I told him that I wasn’t ready for this milestone within our relationship (to grasp if we were on the “same page”) and he told me that I should make a decision about what smitten really meant. I think he’s trying to encourage me to say it. I told him that I had so many things in my head, but I didn’t know how to get them out. Then I said the one sentence I knew I had to say –
“I’m so scared you’re going to break my heart”
The Bestie I’ve never had a dalliance with knew I was THERE already. He said he knew it when I forgave him for the two massive lies and then the whole looking-for-my-blog debacle. He thinks I’m a fool for forgiving him, and for getting with someone in his line of work again (they have a reputation). He’s looking out for me and I know this, but he seems dead set against me being with One Ball. It’s starting to worry me a bit. Is he right? Am I fool for letting myself feel this way over One Ball?
The one thing I do know is that I want to say the “L” word so badly; I’m scared it’s going to blurt out somewhere completely inappropriate. Every time I hang up the phone, I’m scared I’m going to say it. Every night before bed, I’m scared it’ll come out in the “good night” text message. It’s right there on the tip of my tongue yet still, I’m not so sure. I think he feels the same as me. In fact, I think he’s waiting for me to say it first. I just don’t understand how this has happened so quickly. And man, it has been quick! It was only a few weeks ago that I was still completely besotted with the Big Love, and now I can’t get One Ball out of my mind. We are on the phone every night and sometimes during our breaks in the day too. We text constantly – every second we are awake. He sent me an actual photo of the two of us that we took the weekend I went up there. He didn’t email it, text it or Facebook it to me – he actually Snail Mailed it to me with a tiny note that just said – “Miss you xx”
What do I do folks? Do I bite the bullet and get it out there, or should I keep those three little words to myself? Am I freaking out about being in a serious relationship again, or am I right to not be sure about One Ball? I don’t think I’m ready for all of this yet. I’m still too fragile; too broken. You know what they say though – life is too short to be scared. I’m the girl that jumps into things head first without thinking of the consequences – what the fuck is holding me back now?
I know what might make me feel better. How about I say it here?
One Ball, I love you.