The Trainable Douschebag.

Sooooo putting aside the drama with One Ball for a minute, something truly fabulous has happened in my life. When the Big Love and I were together, he had a best friend that we shall call Mr. C. Mr. C was with a girl called Miss. N, and they got engaged. Recently, they got married in the sun. There are photos on various Facebook pages – my Bestie on the other side of the world sent me a couple shots. Miss. N looked beautiful on her wedding day, and they looked very happy. I had a mini stalking session, and came across some photos that Big Love had put up. Turns out his girlfriend is less than beautiful in a bikini. Now I’m not saying that I’d look any good in one, but the fact that the photo clearly shows ACTUAL squelching back fat has made me day. No, my week.

Towards the end, Big Love knew he was too good for me. He really was a beautiful man. He always told me that he could have any girl he wanted, and was doing in those final phases of make-up/break-up. I had imagined him with every beautiful girl we had come across. For him to bitch about my weight for so long, and the way I looked and then run into the arms of his girlfriend, who we shall now name Miss. A. I had wanted to call her The Bitch from Hell for so long, but to be fair, it’s not her fault, and he is going to destroy her as well. Maybe he already is? She actually looks like a lovely girl. However, Miss. A isn’t the skinniest girl in the world, nor is she the prettiest, but man she had better have a great personality to keep the hyper-sensitive Big Love gagging for more! Or give better blowjobs than me, but I’m pretty good so I choose to ignore that thought. I don’t get it, guys and gals; she is clearly punching well above her weight.

Aside from my bitchy, un-called for response to Miss. A’s bikini shot, what else has been happening in my life? Well, I’m still pissed at One Ball. And I’m making sure he knows it. And I think I have a crush on my new manager at work. Just a little one. Perhaps not even one to write home about.

I do miss One Ball. And I am finding myself messaging him, and then having to remind him that I’m pissed at him because I forgot myself. I’m calling myself mad as I say this, but I think I’m going to give him another chance. I think I may be in too far to just call it a day and not really care, but at the same time, I am too soon into it to be forgiving him for massive mistakes already. First there was the lie about the kids, and then the different Mothers, and now he has gone looking for my blog. That’s kind of a lot of stuff, right? Even as I say the words “I’m giving him another chance” every ounce of common sense in my head is yelling at me to run in the opposite direction. The thing that worries me the most is that this feels familiar. This is comfortable. I am so used to not feeling secure in a relationship that doubt and questioning has become the norm. I secretly love the mini-dramas, but hate them at the same time. I really am a masochist.

He really is trying to make it up to me, I think. He keeps sending me these cute little pictures, like this one:


He also keeps telling me what him and his kids are getting up to. It’s cute. He’s walking on egg shells around me, and if I’m honest, it’s pissing me off. He told me earlier that he thought I was too good for him, and says he wants to make it up to me at every possible opportunity. I can’t figure out if he is playing a game, or he really is a good guy that has made a few mistakes. It has jumped right on to my radar though – he’s showing enough of a badass side, with the lies and the going behind my back, to keep me really interested. I have been so angry for the past two days, and all I can think about is riding him, holding my hand around his throat, scratching him up…. I really do lust after a bad boy. I’m so predictable. Whatever.

I’ve guessed that you have all pretty much guessed that I am deciding to carry on with my blog as normal after I got “outed.” He has promised he won’t read this and I’m taking his word for it. If he doesn’t like it, he can just not read it! This is my private little space and I’m not giving it up (or you guys!) for the world.

P.S. I still love him a little bit.

9 thoughts on “The Trainable Douschebag.

    Really like your blog… NEVER QUIT!
    But I like the sound of one-ball. I do. I completely understand you though, and I am crossing my fingers for you 🙂
    Excited to read what’s next…!

  2. Good for you for carrying on with what you want to do. And good for you for letting him know how mad and disappointed you are. And good for him for trying to make amends.

    I think in this situation, I too, would be cautious with him, but until he gives you a reason to think that he’s gone back to read, all you can do is trust him… cautiously. 🙂

    • Let’s just hope I’m not making a big mistake. I kinda trust him though…. despite everything. There’s something about him that is so innocent. I don’t think any of it has been done out of malice, I just think he is an idiot that made bad choices. I’m still smitten. I still love him a little bit. I still don’t know how to tell him…. It’s always a struggle haha!

      Thanks 🙂

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