My worst nightmare has come true. Someone has found my blog. That someone is One Ball. This either means the end of us, or the end of this.
After telling me that he would respect my privacy and not look for this, he was bored at work today and typed a few clever words into Google, which inevitably bought this damn blog up. That magical combination of words was something along the lines of running into a bathroom door and One Ball. He told me he had found it. Well actually what he said was “I’m a prick. I typed in these words into Google and halfway down the page, your blog came up.” I promptly replied “How could you?”
He promised me he wouldn’t go looking for this blog, and as much as I can, I have covered my tracks. I knew I shouldn’t have used One Ball as his nickname; it’s his nickname amongst his work buddies. However – what were the chances of him finding it by looking for “One Ball” alone?!?!
I’m freaking out. He’s going to see things about me that no one ever gets a chance to see. He’s going to see my complete sexual past, and my obsession with the Big Love, the cutting myself, the depression. He has promised me that he won’t read it. Apparently, he didn’t think he was going to find anything, and when he did, he cleared his history straight away and came out of his web browser. I had debated on writing this post, just in case he DOES decide to read it. I’m undecided as to whether or not I believe him. After all, why would he have gone looking for it if he had no intentions of reading it? However, this is MY blog – my personal thoughts and opinions, experiences and disasters. If anyone doesn’t like what they read when they find it, they shouldn’t have gone looking for it in the first place!
I am avoiding texting him back. Apparently he has just crashed a trailer into a car, and smoked a cigarette which tasted gross. He’s a non-smoker. Why is he suddenly all over the place? Has he read it? Is he worried about my reaction to knowing he has found it? Why? We were going so beautifully! Why did he have to fuck it up like this?
I’m actually at a loss for words. I’m heartbroken that he would destroy my trust like this. He says he hasn’t clicked on my blog, and he deleted the history and cleared the web browser but the “Stats” part of the blog clearly shows me that one view came from that one phrase he searched into Google – it shows me that he has at least clicked on my blog. How much has he read? Why did he tell me he didn’t click on it?
I feel like screaming right now. I have covered my ass as best as I can to make sure that no one could find this and with one simple Google search, everything has been ripped apart. Now how do I go forward? Am I going to be able to write as honestly as I would want to, knowing that at least one person that knows me, knows that this is my blog? Does this mean the end of the blog? I don’t know how I would ever be able to give it up – it has been my journal, my counselor, and my best friend at times. I write things here that I would never be able to tell another person, at least not face to face. Does he even know the magnitude of what he has done? I have spent hours on this, putting down in writing everything that has been going on in my head. Now it feels so violated; as though he has been able to crawl in my head and read my thoughts. I’m so sad that he went looking for it, and even more sad that this now will have to mean the end of us.
Whether or not he does read it, he has betrayed my trust. And if you are reading this now One Ball, I hope you are happy. I’m avoiding talking to you now, but you should know the names I’m calling you inside my head. I was happy with you, and I had REAL feelings for you. And you have betrayed me. You should never have gone looking for this. You told me that you wouldn’t go hunting. You promised me that. And now you have destroyed something that potentially could have been so good.
Was it worth it?