I’ve Been Outed.

My worst nightmare has come true. Someone has found my blog. That someone is One Ball. This either means the end of us, or the end of this.

After telling me that he would respect my privacy and not look for this, he was bored at work today and typed a few clever words into Google, which inevitably bought this damn blog up. That magical combination of words was something along the lines of running into a bathroom door and One Ball. He told me he had found it. Well actually what he said was I’m a prick. I typed in these words into Google and halfway down the page, your blog came up. I promptly replied “How could you?”

He promised me he wouldn’t go looking for this blog, and as much as I can, I have covered my tracks. I knew I shouldn’t have used One Ball as his nickname; it’s his nickname amongst his work buddies. However – what were the chances of him finding it by looking for “One Ball” alone?!?!

I’m freaking out. He’s going to see things about me that no one ever gets a chance to see. He’s going to see my complete sexual past, and my obsession with the Big Love, the cutting myself, the depression. He has promised me that he won’t read it. Apparently, he didn’t think he was going to find anything, and when he did, he cleared his history straight away and came out of his web browser. I had debated on writing this post, just in case he DOES decide to read it. I’m undecided as to whether or not I believe him. After all, why would he have gone looking for it if he had no intentions of reading it? However, this is MY blog – my personal thoughts and opinions, experiences and disasters. If anyone doesn’t like what they read when they find it, they shouldn’t have gone looking for it in the first place!

I am avoiding texting him back. Apparently he has just crashed a trailer into a car, and smoked a cigarette which tasted gross. He’s a non-smoker. Why is he suddenly all over the place? Has he read it? Is he worried about my reaction to knowing he has found it? Why? We were going so beautifully! Why did he have to fuck it up like this?

I’m actually at a loss for words. I’m heartbroken that he would destroy my trust like this. He says he hasn’t clicked on my blog, and he deleted the history and cleared the web browser but the “Stats” part of the blog clearly shows me that one view came from that one phrase he searched into Google – it shows me that he has at least clicked on my blog. How much has he read? Why did he tell me he didn’t click on it?

I feel like screaming right now. I have covered my ass as best as I can to make sure that no one could find this and with one simple Google search, everything has been ripped apart. Now how do I go forward? Am I going to be able to write as honestly as I would want to, knowing that at least one person that knows me, knows that this is my blog? Does this mean the end of the blog? I don’t know how I would ever be able to give it up – it has been my journal, my counselor, and my best friend at times. I write things here that I would never be able to tell another person, at least not face to face. Does he even know the magnitude of what he has done? I have spent hours on this, putting down in writing everything that has been going on in my head. Now it feels so violated; as though he has been able to crawl in my head and read my thoughts. I’m so sad that he went looking for it, and even more sad that this now will have to mean the end of us.

Whether or not he does read it, he has betrayed my trust. And if you are reading this now One Ball, I hope you are happy. I’m avoiding talking to you now, but you should know the names I’m calling you inside my head. I was happy with you, and I had REAL feelings for you. And you have betrayed me. You should never have gone looking for this. You told me that you wouldn’t go hunting. You promised me that. And now you have destroyed something that potentially could have been so good.

Was it worth it?

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15 thoughts on “I’ve Been Outed.

  1. Oh mayn! On the plus side, if you can forgive him and he has read it all, at least he knows everything about you and that’s always good. My friends read my blog but never the guys (least I Hope not). Im actually thinking of changing some things to make it less searchable for the people i’ve written about. I hope you sort things out, your last post sounded like things were going really well

    • Things WERE going really well! He has made a promise never to read it, and he swore on his kids lives. I’m wondering whether or not to believe him, but I think in my head I’m already giving him the benefit of the doubt….. I am going to make the decision to carry on writing. After all, if he doesn’t like what it says, he shouldn’t be reading it, should he?

  2. That’s terrible. I understand the need to go to extreme lengths to hide ones personal blog. Perhaps the temptation of knowing he was being blogged about was just too great? Maybe he thought it might be some kind of ego boost or give him some kind of insight into you? But then why tell you? I don’t know, but I hope everything works out for you.

    • That’s what I don’t understand! He finally admitted to clicking on the link but still swears down that he didn’t read it… I’m not sure. I’ve calmed down since yesterday, and I guess we need to talk about it. I just wish he hadn’t gone looking for it. It’s made something fairly simple so damn complicated! He wouldn’t hate what I had written about him. Aside from his odd sex-face, there’s nothing bad about him… not really anyway. It’s not the point. It would be like someone going through my journal or my phone! Such a breach of privacy!

  3. Ugh, I made à long ass comment but it didnt save. I hope you Work it out, sounded like things were going well. And who knows, if he has read it, it might not scare him off. Though it is à breach of trust. I never tell anyone I have a blog unless I want them to know and find it. Good luck!

  4. Uh I am so sorry! There is the plus that now he knows everything, but it is also a HUGE invasion of your privacy that you told him about. *hugs* to you, I hope it works out! It sounded like it was going great!!

  5. I would hate the guys I date to see mine …. I usually tell them because otherwise I feel that I am breaching their rights without their consent but I would never expect them to look or find it … actually maybe I should expect it! Hugs to you … may you find a positive way forward x

  6. It is a breach of trust. Plain and simple. I am so sorry. He told you he did it and the pop psychologist in me says….I have no idea what to think about that! I thought he sounded like a keeper but now he has some major repair work to start doing!

    • Yes – he promised he would never, ever read it and I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Up to now, he has made no comment on the blog at all, which I feel he would if he read it, and thinks are going along swimmingly.

      Let’s hope we manage to keep it this way!

  7. You feel hurt and betrayed. Which is only proper – you have been lied to by someone you trusted. But reading your blog is not a violation of privacy. You publish. It is here in broad daylight for the world to see. This man reading your blog is no crime at all. This man feeling guilty about doing so and lying to you about it … that is hurtful. If you love him though, talk it out. Try to understand each other. It has to be worth at least that, once your anger subsides.

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