I came across this fabulous post from Mia Fantastic – A Letter to Mother Nature, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Aside from pissing out cranberry juice right now, as she so nicely put it, it made me laugh. And let’s face it: when it’s that time of the month, you just need a good laugh. And a shot gun.
I am going away this weekend to go and see One Ball, two and half hours from here. I plan on it being a crazy two-day fuckfest, with nothing but nakedness and kinky fuckery, but apparently, Mother Nature had other godamn plans for me. She decided, with all her fucking glory, to give me “The Blob.”
I should have known it was coming – I was an emotional wreck. I cried about the Big Love for days on end. I have also had that dull ache in my abdomen for a couple of days, but I have recently changed my pill, and random spotting and menstrual cramps seems to be one of the major side effects. This morning however, I woke up and trotted downstairs to make my morning cup of tea and use the bathroom, and there it was – that telltale sign in my underwear that I would not be getting laid this weekend. What the fuck? The only weekend I have planned in months and Mother Nature screws me over? Go figure!
Now, I know what you are thinking – how could you not have known that you were going to come on soon? You’re on the pill, so surely you know when it is coming? No, ladies and gentlemen; my new pill appears not to be agreeing with my body as everyone said it would, and instead prefers to make me bleed randomly; anytime it fucking chooses.
I decided to have a stab back at Mother Nature however – I took two birth control pills today, and I will be doing the same tomorrow. My period WILL stop. My hormones might be up the creek, but at least my vagina will be happy after finally getting sex this weekend for the first time in what feels like FOREVER!!!
If I had been in a long term relationship with One Ball, I would have just given him head, let him put his cock in my ass, or just had sex with him in the shower. However, we have only been dating for a couple of months, so sex on the period is definitely a no-no as far as I’m concerned. To be fair, I don’t really like doing it anyway – it grosses me out! I don’t like what streams from my body, so I certainly don’t want anyone else to see it!
I agree with what Mia Fantastic said though – I am currently in crazy bitch mode, ready to kill anyone that dares to talk to me without a coffee in their hands. I also want to fuck anything that moves. This morning before work, I got myself off three times, and that was before I had even thought about my morning cuppa. Thankfully, the blob had only just started so there was no mess for me.
What are your views on sex during a period? I guess for the long-termers, it is nothing to worry about, much like shaving your legs as regularly as you used to when you first started dating, or removing your makeup before you go to bed. However, I’m still in that stage of the relationship where he hasn’t even seen me without makeup on, so he certainly won’t be seeing what Mother Nature is offering out to him!
As much as I REALLY appreciate the monthly shout-out to make me aware that my stupidity during drunken nights hasn’t gotten me up the duff, I would much prefer a text or a tweet. I could even deal with just the cramps if it meant there was no mess involved. I don’t see why we have to go through the horrors of periods PLUS childbirth PLUS the unbelievable amount of fucktard men there are out there, and the guys don’t even get so much as ball-ache!
I can’t wait for the menopause. In fact, I am relishing the day where my vagina dries up and I no longer have to worry about leaving the house with a tiny handbag because my tampons wouldn’t fit alongside my cell phone. And yes Mia – vibrating tampons would be fucking awesome. Let’s start a petition!
I also disagree with the cost – how come condoms are free, despite the ridiculously fucking high rates of teenage pregnancy STILL happening, yet I have to pay for the smallest piece of cotton wool, wrapped up into a fluffy white bullet, to shove up my vagina because Mother Nature thinks I should have children one day? Surely this should be an opt-in thing? Imagine the last day of High School – do you want children one day, yes or no? Tick yes and you will have a fist clenching your insides for a whole week of the month, while dispelling clumpy blood from your special place until the day you actually get pregnant, and then you have 18 years of hell ahead of you. Tick no, and you will be in for a life of frivolity, passionate sex with no worries of coming on halfway through, and a much happier disposition. Totally makes sense to me.
For now, I will continue to take two birth control pills to give Mother Nature the “fuck you” she seriously deserves. I WILL be getting laid this weekend, even if I have to send myself into a spiral of hormonal crazy to get there. And that, Mother Nature, is what you would call a stand!!!