Fuck you Weekend.


So this weekend has been a weird mixture of emotions. I went to see the new Twilight film with the Bestie I’ve never had a dalliance with, had a mini moment of fear with One Ball, and reminisced about my former life with the Big Love far too much.

This time last year, I went to see the last Twilight film with my favorite girlfriend on the other side of the world. I should probably give her a nickname now; I talk about her enough in this blog! The big Love wouldn’t go with me, even though we had gotten back together; it wasn’t really his scene.

I keep reading these crappy self help books in a bid to sort my head out, and in some respects they are working. For example, one year anniversaries and stuff are said to be hard, and that’s definitely the running theme of the past few Big Love blog posts.

This time last year he took me snowboarding for the first time. It was a disaster if I’m honest; I was very bad at it, and I spent most of the day sliding down a mountain on my ass because my board had slipped into a valley and we found ourselves in 13 foot deep snow. At one point, I was sure I was going to die. Looking back now, it was actually hilarious. We did have a good day though, and I remember going home and having sex with him for the first time in weeks. I found a photo of us on that day and we looked so happy – how was I to know that it was already too late? We had already done too much damage to our relationship.

I keep thinking to myself – just a couple more months and the one year anniversaries would be over. I left the other side of the world in February, so once that day has come and gone, these depressed moments reminiscing will be over. That’s what I’m hoping anyway. I’m struggling with the festive season right now though. Christmas last year was sad. We both ate a turkey dinner for one – he lost his job around this time, and we were struggling financially. Our relationship was on and off, and we barely managed to get decorations up. New Year was even worse – he had gone missing for three days, and I spent New Year’s Eve alone, and New Year’s Day looking after him as he had overdosed on cocaine.

This year I am determined to just keep busy. I have bought my dress for New Year already – I am going to a party with the Bestie. I have also put myself down to work all through Christmas. We have family drama’s going on right now so I haven’t spoken to my Mother in a few months, and I can see Christmas being a drama-filled affair. Long story short – my Mama’s boyfriend is an asshole. The whole family has been fighting about him for years, and I normally keep myself in the middle, rather than on a side. This time is different though – he keeps writing on the Big Love’s Facebook, to the point where he was slagging me down a few weeks ago. I told my Mama if she continued to let him treat her, me and the rest of our family like this, she would be on her own. She took his “side.” Only a few days ago, with a bit of Facebook stalking, I see that he has been writing to the Big Love again. Actually this time, it wasn’t to Big Love; he was talking to Big Love’s girlfriend on the site! He knows how hard it has been to get over this guy – why would he be talking to him and his girlfriend like it doesn’t matter? It breaks my heart, but I swallowed it down, didn’t say anything and got over it.

Back to the here and now, and I have reservations about One Ball already. It’s a complicated thing but I’ll try and make it simple. He hasn’t had a phone for a while – he dropped his iphone in a bucket of water so now only certain things work on Wi-Fi; using the device as an actual phone didn’t. Thankfully, the messaging app that we used to communicate worked. He had a spare older phone that he was using at one point, but that got stolen. He recently bought a new phone so he could keep in touch with me now he has gone back to his normal place of work, and he is going away with work for two weeks. However, ANOTHER messaging app had shown he had updated his status 12 days ago. If he only got the phone 2/3 days ago, how was he updating his status 12 days ago? The app doesn’t work with just Wi-Fi alone – it has to have a working phone number, in a working phone in order to be usable. I had a conversation with the Bestie, and he seems to think that One Ball has had a working phone the whole way along, and perhaps he isn’t single…. This “new” phone has a different phone number to the “spare” one he was using.

Another thing that puzzled me was the fact that he said he had two email addresses when I requested to send him something a little while ago. He has his “original” email address, which is the one he uses all the time. Then he has a secondary one, for the weird people on the internet. How many weird people is this guy talking to? I know a lot of people have more than one email address; I certainly do, so this didn’t really bother me too much.

However, I then noticed something else. The original messaging app that we were using; the one that worked on Wi-Fi, had his name spelt in a completely different way to his actual name. Same surname, just different spelling. I asked him about this and he said it was for when he was talking to the people on the internet dating site – it was so the “nut jobs” wouldn’t have his real name. Are you keeping up with this? I found his “real” spelling on his ID card in his car a while back, but it only clicked that it was different a couple of days ago.

Things are starting not to add up. The reasons he are giving are making sense, aside from the message status update 12 days ago, but with the two big lies about the kids, it doesn’t look good, does it? Add to the mix my seriously screwed up head, caused by years of bad relationships and it is not a good situation.

The Bestie thinks he’s leading some kind of double life. I think I’m being a paranoid bitch. One of us calls the other every night, and sometimes we Skype. Surely he wouldn’t be able to talk every night if he were leading a double life? We also text ALL THE TIME – day and night.

The thing that put the cherry on the cake, so to speak, was when he joked about me getting the train up to see him on Friday. I seriously considered this option as I was off work, and as soon as I started asking questions – what trains, how much, etc. he abruptly told me that he was only joking and I couldn’t turn up. He had the day off work…. What was stopping us?

The fact that he already told two whopping lies and his line of work has a reputation for being cheating assholes doesn’t help the situation right now. My hubby was in the same line of work… I guess I’m already kind of jaded. It’s such a pain in the ass – the second I think I could actually have real feelings for this guy and my head plays up, making me reminisce about the Big Love and question everything about One Ball. I have spoken to him about some of my concerns, but I can’t really tell him everything I’m questioning and feeling right now – he’d think I was a crazy bitch. To be honest, I think I’m probably over-analyzing everything far too much. It’s that gut instinct thing again – it’s always been right before.

I guess it’s safe to say that this weekend hasn’t been a great one for me. Three days off work, and my head goes into overdrive. I did get superbly baked last night, and we all know the effects pot has on me – I turn into a blubbering mess, remembering all the past loves and lives I have lead. The same thing is probably going to happen tonight. I just wish my head would know what it is doing. One minute I’m on top of the world, loving life and the new relationship, and the next I’m finding fault with everything about him and missing an ex that doesn’t deserve my tears. I blame it on the Festive season and fighting with the family. Let’s just hope that the next couple months go by fast for me.


10 thoughts on “Fuck you Weekend.

  1. Not defending ‘One Ball’ as I know how devious and complicated men can be but, I have at least 4 e-mail addresses which I use for all different things. I use one for friends, one for people who have upset me which I only check once a month or so when I’m in a good mood, and two for campaigning (animal rights and environmental stuff). One of my campaigning ones doesn’t bear any relation to my name as sometimes I don’t want recipients to know who I am in real life (depending on how controversial the subject is). So I don’t necessarily think that’s particularly suspicious.

    Not sure about the phones thing. But could he have updated his ‘status’ from work or something? I do quite a lot of personal internet stuff at work if we’re not busy and I really can’t find any work to do (I always put work first though).

    Oh yeah – and I’d be absolutely crap at snowboarding or skiing too! 😉

    • Hmmm I don’t think he could have updated his status without a working phone. I’ve done some internet researching, and it looks like it wouldn’t have been possible for him to have updated without that phone number working in that phone…. that phone being the one that he “got” 10 days later? I totally get the email address thing too… Some of the stuff just seems rather shady and it’s making me uncomfortable.

      I guess we’ll see?

  2. You’re right. You DO overanalyze way too much. I totally get it though, with the past experience, and just because, some people just think too much. (I do too.) I think ur on the right track however, trying to move forwards, of course old memories and good things about past loves are gonna set u back sometimes, BUT, ur thinking the right way (well, most of the time.) And THAT is the most important thing! One ball, to be honest, I think he sounds great, and if he isn’t then F*** him.

    Treat them mean to keep them keen. Seriously, just back the EFF off the texts for a while.Try and focus on ur shit, and let him realise all these things that he feels about u. So that he will effing take the train and turn up to YOU. Because ur worth it… u SO are. And… just. It works.

    Again -if he turns out to be a dick, then, yeah it feels shit, but COME ON. Uv been through worse!!! U can deal with it. Fuck it. Live it! If hes an a-hole, then its HIS problem, and u WILL find someone better. KNOW IT.

    • Wow! Loved the “Pep Talk!” I do get what you are saying, I seriously over-analyze everything. I’m just very scared of being that hurt again. I shouldn’t tar every guy with the same brush though, and it’s something I’m trying to work on. The blog is helping to be fair, especially comments like yours, where you actually tell me I’m being silly. It’s nice to get an opinion from an outsider. Clearly the people I know are going to be on “my side” and agree with the things that I’m saying.

      I’m giving him a chance, which is more than what I’ve given to recent guys since the Big Love breakup, but maybe I do need to back off a bit and have some space. Thankfully, the two week work course he is on means that we can’t communicate as much so I shall use the time wisely. Mostly jerking off 😉

      Thanks for your comment! And yeah FUCK IT! If he’s an asshole, he clearly doesn’t know how much of a cool person I am 😛

  3. I over think.. everything. So I completely understand where you are coming from in this..

    I too have just started reading and can’t wait for more.. Archives here I come 😀

    I love reading others personal stories and learning what they learn and from their experiences, thanks for sharing xx

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