Would You Want to Know Your Sexual Review?

Right at the beginning of our “whatever it is” One Ball and I exchanged secrets. He told me a secret and I told him I was an anonymous sex blogger. He doesn’t bring it up, he hasn’t brought it up, and he doesn’t go looking for it, but tonight we had a conversation about it. He told me he had found my blog as a joke to “gauge” my reaction. I told him that I would be devastated if anyone ever found it; it’s too raw, too emotional, and too candid for me to ever put my name to it. My entire sex life is down in black and white with the post “What’s Your Number?” And I’ve reviewed every sexual experience I’ve had since I started writing it. Would I want One Ball to find out that his kisses were sloppy, or he pulled a random face when we fucked? Would I want The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of to know that his kisses were the worst and he had no rhythm in the sack? Would I want The Big Love to know how much I was pining for him, and how he was the best lover I ever had? Or how much I stalked his Facebook, desperately hoping for him to breakup with his girlfriend? No of course I wouldn’t. I would be mortified if anyone ever knew I wrote this blog, hence why it is completely anonymous. Or as much as it can be anyway.

I was almost “outed” at work not so long ago. I was checking the stats and comments during a quiet period and my female work colleague peeked over my shoulder. “What’s Not So Sex in the City?” she asked. “Oh just this blog I follow” I replied. I managed to find a similar named website that I then directed her too, and the topic was forgotten about.

How would I feel if anyone I had slept with or written about found my blog? I would be devastated. I would cause a lot of pain to the guys I had “dissed“, and other guys would get some super egos out of it. Surely there are some things that just shouldn’t be said? Not out load anyway. How would I feel if someone turned around to me and said something along the lines of “I can’t stand the way you kiss!” or “Your vagina is too big!” (Clearly this is the female conversion of penis size; I don’t think my vagina is too big!)

I would rethink my entire sexual past if I got a bad “review.” The fact that I’m struggling to make One Ball cum in my mouth right now is enough of a slap in the face, and he tells me I’m close and my technique is “perfect” all the time. In fact, during our car fuck the other night, apparently he almost came in my mouth but wanted to slide into my pussy instead. Grrr!

There are some things that it’s just nicer not to say. As much as I hated The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of and the way he kisses, I’d never want to say that to his face. I don’t think that makes me two-faced; I think it makes me compassionate. “Dissing” someone’s sexual performance does more than just denting their ego; it can destroy them. Imagine re-thinking every time you ever slept with someone and wondering “Did I do something wrong?”

I’m all for subtle hints of course – there’s nothing better than grabbing a guy’s hair and directing his head, and therefore his tongue, when he is going down on you. I’m also slowly teaching One Ball discreetly how not to kiss so sloppily… It’s actually working. There are some things you just can’t change, of course, and when I realise those things I don’t open my mouth, I just politely kick them to the kerb. To be honest, I’d rather someone did the same to me too.

Now from the sexual reviews I’ve had, and keep having, I think I’m pretty good in bed. According to my reviews, my blowjobs are “the best” and the fact that I can squirt drives most men insane. I don’t just lie there and do nothing – I get carried away in the moment and I bite, scratch, moan, groan, grunt, writhe, wriggle, etc. I deep-throat, I gag, I spit, I nibble, I pay attention to the balls, I swallow – all of these things are because they turn me on, not for the satisfaction of the guy. From what I can gather this makes me awesome in bed. If someone were to turn around now and tell me I sucked (and not in a good way) it would crush me. I’ve worked hard to perfect my technique; I’ve fucked enough guys so I should hope I’ve learned something along the way. I appreciate that everyone likes different things, but I’m pretty accommodating and if almost everyone is giving me rave reviews, I must be doing something right.

One Ball said that although he would want to respect my privacy, the thought of knowing my true, honest sexual review of him would be too tempting to turn down. I responded with – “So, me telling you you’re great in the sack isn’t enough, you’d have to read it instead for it to sink in? I think this was a very valid point. He said that he believed what I said, but the validation in black and white would prove it.

I guess this brings me to my point – do you believe the sexual review that you get from the people you sleep with? Or would you want to go hunting for validation in the form of a blog post, if there was one available, to make doubly sure? I think I would be the same as One Ball – I believe the reviews, but if there was a blog post there to tell me the real truth, I’d totally read it. The only problem is I might not like what it says and then I’m not so sure what I’d do.

What do you think? Would you want to know your REAL sexual review?

13 thoughts on “Would You Want to Know Your Sexual Review?

  1. Only if it was good! Haha, it depends who it’s coming from too I think. If you get a bad review from someone you also thought was shit in bed then it wouldn’t hurt as much because you can ascribe it to incompatibility, but if it was from someone you really cared about and who you thought you had some amazing connection and experience with then I would be so devastated

  2. This post really hits home for me. I recently started a sex blog, and I am trying as much as possible to keep it anonymous. My boyfriend and I came up with the idea together, so it’s not something I can keep away from him. I’m worried this might affect my writing, and I’ve asked him not to read my posts so far. It’s definitely a sticky situation. To address your question, I would never want to know my sexual review; I wouldn’t want to risk hurting my confidence in bed. Interesting topic!

  3. I’d always take constructive criticism. If I’m better in bed, that’s going to work out as more pleasurable for me, right?

    I wouldn’t want anyone to read a review I’d written of them because whilst learning your areas for improvement might be a good idea, my blog is written for a different audience. I might write X was a really shit kisser, but if I’m with X, and I’m kissing X, it’s obviously not quite so simple. I must believe X has the potential to be at least a pleasurable kisser otherwise I wouldn’t be kissing him again. I wouldn’t say ‘hey X, you’re a shit kisser,’ I’d have a job of careful guidance to improve the situation.

    I squirt, ‘bite, scratch, moan, groan, grunt, writhe, wriggle, etc. I deep-throat, I gag, I spit, I nibble, I pay attention to the balls, I swallow’ too.

    • Glad it’s not just me. I don’t know how I would take that kind of “constructive criticism” though…. Surely we all think that we are good in bed already? It just makes me think – I can’t be the only person that thinks these bad things about these guys in bed, right? There must be other women out there that has said “Oh he is a bad kisser” or “He has no rhythm in bed”… How come these girls have never told him/them this either? Why does every guy THINK he is good in bed???

  4. Hmmm….I think I would want to know, but then if it were bad Id never want to sleep with the person again for sure because Id be embarrassed that they didnt like it. Not everyone is a good match in bed. There have been times I thought a guy was fantastic and a girlfriend didnt think he was so good in bed, or she thought he was all that and I thought he sucked. I think out of curiosity Id read it and try not to tale it personally but it would be hard. Id love to read a positive review though!

    • Oh totally! Everyone has different tastes, right? However… Those guys that are REALLY bad in bed – someone should probably tell them they are REALLY bad in bed to prevent other women having the same fate! I just don’t want to be THAT girl lol!

      I’d LOVE LOVE LOVE to read a good review. That would make me smile 😉

  5. OOOH I would hate the guys I know to read my blog… or my offspring or my parents. Although I have shared with quite a few friends to be honest. I feel quite differently about “good in bed” cos to me I think you can be rubbish with one guy and amazing with another (and same for them) it’s as much about chemistry for me 🙂 x

    • That’s a very good point! I liked that! I guess it’s more the connection than whether or not you are good or bad.

      I’d be so embarrassed if anyone ever read my blog. Brutally embarrassed. It’s bad enough admitting to myself how confusing my love and sex life has become, without having to deal with the people I know seeing it all as well! Let’s just say I won’t be revealing myself any time soon hahaha! 🙂

  6. Great post! Ignorance is bliss for me lol! Just like I hate and actively avoid overhearing private conversations between people I know, I would not want to hear the brutal truth about what I’m like the sack that’s not meant for my ears/eyes. If someone wants to talk to me in private about my technique I think that’s fine, welcome even. Who doesn’t want to improve right?! But yeah the ol sexuality is such a delicate topic that it can take a lot of getting over when someone is openly and publicly and brutally critical of your sex.

    You obviously protect the names of the people, but there is the phenomenon of the “Root Rater” facebook pages where people name and review their sexual encounters for all to know, particularly in high schools. This, I think is pretty bad. I’m all for bringing sexuality out into the open, through sharing and sex positive educating, sex should not be hidden or taboo. But these kinds of ‘naming and shaming’ sites are pretty destructive.

    All I can say is I am damn glad I was out of high school before Social networking and smartphones! And as the commenter above stated it’s all subjective, it’s all about chemistry. Some girls have told me I’ve made them feel incredible and others I’ve totally flopped with. I don’t think I’m incredible or a flop, it all depends on the interaction 🙂

    • Oh me too! I’d hate to be a youngun in the social networking world! It’s bad enough now, and we’re meant to be grown ups! That site that you mentioned is disgusting. I know I can’t really talk, but I keep it anonymous for a reason. I make damn sure that no one finds this, or knows that I wrote it. I could never publicly and honestly give someone a good OR bad named review, especially not on some website. I would be distraught if someone were to put me on those websites as well.

      Thanks so much for your comment! Xoxox

  7. No, I don’t suppose I would really… But I sound a bit like you in bed as I put my all into it and certainly don’t just lie there – hate giving BJs though. The strange this was, when I went off one of my long-term boyfriends and couldn’t bring myself to break up with him, I couldn’t have intercourse with him any more but COULD give him BJs – I think it was just less personal and didn’t really involve me the same.

    Does he know you call him ‘One Ball’? 😉

    • Hahaha! No he has a “real” name away from the blog!

      The Guy I couldn’t get rid of – the last guy before One Ball, was very sexual towards the end but I couldn’t bring myself to touch him, which is how I knew it was over. I found myself making excuses. Thankfully, at the time, my “monthlies” were all over the place so I could use that as a reason for the most part. He stayed over a few times and I hated it when he touched me, which is how I knew it was definitely over. I was also like that with The Lapdog, the guy before him, except for when he wasn’t available to me of course. When he got himself a new girlfriend, I just wanted him even more. It’s strange how that works out, hey?

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