I finally decided it was time to bite the bullet and ask My Mr. Grey what the deal was between us. I huffed and I puffed and I paced the room, and I wrote that message and I stared at it for a while before I pressed send. This was nerve wracking. I had told him how I felt before and he had said he felt the same, but this time was different; I was asking him to make a commitment to me. It has been a month and a bit with no sex. I’ve not slept with anyone since him, and that was at the beginning of August. I have no interest in sleeping with anyone else even though I have hung out with the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of quite a bit, and boy, has he tried it on!
It went a little something like this:
“I want you. I just want you. I adore everything about you, and there is nothing about you that I complain about, or want t o change. What are we doing? Are we “together”, as in not doing anyone else?”
It turns out there is something about him that I can complain about; that I would change – He couldn’t answer the question. It has been a couple of days and all he has done is skirted around the conversation! He feels the same, he is scared, distance is a factor, he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else, isn’t doing anyone else…. No yes! All I wanted is a “Yes, we are together!” He invited me to a wedding at the end of the month – not just the reception but an ACTUAL wedding. Yet he cannot seem to find whatever balls it takes to just say yes to a relationship with me.
He told me that he thought I was too good for him and possibly couldn’t give me the life I wanted. What the fuck? Too good for him? This is the guy that I have been in love with for about 8 years. I have fantasized about him, about a life with him both in the bedroom and out of it. I finally pluck up the courage to tell him that I want a relationship and he couldn’t answer the godamn question? What the fuck?
I have realized that there are a couple of different situations that could be going on here:
- He could be keeping me on the back burner in case something better doesn’t come along. “Too good for him” just sounds like a total cop-out, and this makes me mad. I bared my heart and soul to him, and plucked up the balls to finally tell him what I wanted, and he just isn’t sure.
- He could be scared. I do understand this – taking the leap from 8-year friends and ‘fuck buddies’ to an actual relationship is a tough call. I know how hard it was to tell him how I actually felt so I can understand the concerns. If he felt like this however, he should just tell me instead of skirting around the conversation completely.
- He thinks we may want different things. He wants to settle down and have a family soon and I’m not sure where I stand on the family front. I have never wanted to reproduce and I’m still married to the asshole so I’m not even sure I would want to get married again. The thing is what if we don’t give it a go and in 3 years time I decide I DO want a wedding and some kids? What if we give it a go and I don’t? Surely if everything is so perfect everywhere else, it’s worth giving it a shot to find out? He’s only 32, I’m only 26 – we have plenty of time to figure this out!
- He’s not that into me. I don’t think this is the case. From the things he says and the way he is around me, I believe him to care for me as much as I care for him. Unless I’m letting my own feelings carry me away, and I’m just reading too much into it again. I have been known to do this before.
It’s such a pain in the ass! He won’t commit to me! What am I meant to do about this? Do I carry on dating? I’m talking to a couple guys that I met on an online dating website, and the guy I couldn’t get rid of is basically offering me sex on a plate, but I don’t want to destroy what I have with My Mr. Grey by stupidly jumping into bed with someone else. What if I meet someone else and we start a relationship and then My Mr. Grey decides he wants more? Surely he must know that I wouldn’t be willing to wait around forever? I have needs. I’m sure he does too. This means that he may jump into bed with someone else too, and knowing about this would break my heart!
I am in such a pickle right now. I have no clue what to do or what to say. I thought about saying it one more time – I want more, do you? However, surely I am just backing him into a corner like the other guys did to me, and all that did was make me run away. I definitely don’t want this.
Just to give you some idea of what I am dealing with here, I will give you some snippets of how he skirted the topic:
“Well I’m not “doing” anyone else either… haha. I dunno. I’ve also been known to be wrong before”
“We need to be closer to do it properly” (In response to this, I made him aware that I would be open to the idea of moving eventually)
“I know I want to see you all the time”
“I’m afraid I’m not actually gonna be good enough for you. I think you’re mega.”
“I really want “we” to be, but the question is, do I think you’re worth taking a risk for? The answer is yes, I just worry we want different things”
“I love you more than toast” (This is a big deal and a little cute thing we have between us)
Then he asked what it would take for us to be PERFECT to which I responded that I wasn’t looking for perfection, just happiness; something I believe I could get with him. And then it stopped… the conversation stopped. He sent me a picture of his penis and we spent the next 5 hours text sexting.
What do I do about this information? What am I supposed to do about this information? This isn’t normal for me. It’s usually me not answering the conversation and avoiding the relationship chat, and now the boot is on the other foot, I’m not sure I like it.
So, there you have it. The worst of it is because I can’t have him and he won’t just answer the question, I want him a whole load more. I’m trying to avoid his conversations right now. I have avoided the messages this morning, and I didn’t text him back a whole bunch yesterday either. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to put my heart and soul into someone that I truly believe is worth it, only to have my heart broken again because of a misunderstanding. I’m hoping that my silence, or at least distance towards him will make him realize. He’s a guy – probably not.