I haven’t been around for ages, and I will tell you why. It is because there has been NOTHING going on in my life. At all. Whatsoever. I still haven’t had THAT conversation with My Mr. Grey, (Number 23) but in my head, we are in a relationship, so I’m not doing anything or anyone else. This is a good start for me. It’s been about a month since he came down to see me and I haven’t had sex since then. A month?! It feels like it has been about a year. That’s the truth about LDR’s, or Long Distance Relationships – they are shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t jeopardize what I THINK My Mr. Grey and I have, so I therefore wouldn’t want to start sniffing around anywhere else. On the other hand, however, I am quite literally crawling the walls. Just yesterday I jerked off about 4 times. I had the day off work, and pretty much all I did was smoke a joint and masturbate for the entire day. It felt good, don’t get me wrong, but this behavior leads me to believe that I have a bit of a problem.
The other problem with the LDR is that you have a lot of time to think. I have smoked far too much pot, and I have also eaten far too many munchies. In my high states, I have reminisced and this is by far, the most dangerous past time you could come up with.
I restored my phone the other day. I hadn’t done it before this point because I still had texts from the ex on there, (The Big Love – Number 29) and I simply COULD NOT get rid of those. However, a lot of the apps on my phone were still on his account, so I couldn’t update them. The time had come for me – it was time to restore the phone and quite literally remove the last traces of him from my day to day life. We are no longer friends on Facebook, we blocked each other on Skype, we deleted each other from MSN… It would seem that those text messages were the last thing I had of us together, and for some reason, there was no way that I could delete them. The time had finally come. It brought with it some tears, of course. I had a wee look through them and it made my heart actually melt. Once upon a time, we were blissfully happy. Well, probably not but reading the texts back it sure looked like it. We made each other laugh, we put “x”’ at the end of our conversations, and overall, we were together. I hate that I still think about him, and that I compare other guys to him. If the old saying is true, and it really does take half the time you were with someone to get over them, I have about another 5 months to go, and if truth be told, I cannot fucking wait.
I still love this guy and this annoys me. I am willing to embark on my new adventure with my Mr. Grey, to the point where I would quite happily pack up my things and relocate to the other side of the country in a heartbeat, yet I still can’t get the old asshole out of my head. He really did break my bloody heart.
The only problem with feeling like this is that I actually want to tell him. I want to email him or Facebook him and make sure he knows exactly how much damage he did to me. No guy compares to him. The girls and I discuss men at work, mostly those that come into our store, and there is no one out there that takes my breath away in the same way that The Big Love did. Yes, there was the guy so beautiful I couldn’t speak but that’s all he had going for him. Then there is the guy I couldn’t get rid of – Number 34; he had a huge cock, was great in the sack, but just didn’t kiss right. The ex kisses perfectly of course. Or at least kissed – he made have changed his technique for his new girl.
The problem with the LDR is that you think about all the things you don’t want to think about. You remember all those things you didn’t want to remember. You get so horny you spend the entire day masturbating, and you basically act like the hermit you said you would never become. Wow, is this really worth it?
The thing is I reckon it might be. When My Mr. Grey texts me, he makes me smile. He says the nicest things, and I know that he misses me just as much as I’m missing him. So for now, the working too many hours, freelance writing on the side, and day dreaming about things gone past and times to come will just have to do. It’ll all be worth it in the end surely?