My Men: The Update

After a conversation at work today, I realised the men in my life were a mess, and more than a little confusing. For my own benefit, as well as to keep you in the loop, I have decided to get the update down in black and white.

There’s a few men in my life right now. There always is.

There’s My Mr. Grey. I haven’t really been paying him a lot of attention these days. I don’t have the patience to deal with him while he figures out what he really wants. I adore him, I tell him I love him on an almost daily basis. He can work out what he wants and then let me know. It’s funny though, my mind has been consumed with One Ball recently, so I haven’t really texted My Mr. Grey, but it seems to have kicked him into touch. He invited me to a wedding at the end of this month that I simply cannot afford to fly to the other end of the country for, so instead, he has been constantly texting me and has decided he is going to try and come to my end of the country instead. Apparently he misses me so much, he just cannot keep away.

Then there is One Ball. We were meant to have had our second date tonight but I cancelled. It’s heading towards the end of the month, and my funds are running low. On top of that, I can’t really invite him back to mine. I live with family again after leaving my Big Love with absolutely nothing. My family is a messy bunch, and to be fair, the state of my crib embarrasses me, and I don’t have the time or the inclination to keep cleaning up after everyone. The thing is, One Ball is in the same boat – he has recently left his missus and has practically nothing himself. I could easily invite him over to mine, but to be fair, I quite like him and I don’t want to hand it over on a plate; something that would easily happen if he proves to be as good of a kisser as he already is in my head. You know when you just look at someone’s lips and you just KNOW they are going to kiss like a pro; that’s how I feel when I look at him.

One Ball gave me his list of what he wants from a woman, and although I don’t want to blow my own trumpet, I reckon I have pretty much all of them. He wants a girl that is strong willed, independent, funny and dirty/kinky. I tick all of those boxes, right? His favourite celebrity that he would like to date is Pink. This makes me happy. I’m bleach blonde, pierced and tattooed, and have my own unique take on the punk look, especially with my ever changing coloured hair. Currently, I have white blonde hair with blue dipped ends. Very Pink!

I guess in conclusion, I’m still kinda smitten by this guy and I cannot wait for our next date. I almost wish I hadn’t cancelled. He is seeing his kids this weekend, and I probably won’t get a chance to see him now until Monday. It’s Thursday right now. That seems like such a long time away!

The Guy I couldn’t get rid of it – after the “Please don’t text me again, ever!” text message, I had a couple of apologising text messages, and a call from a withheld number that I assume was him. That’s it for now. I kinda miss him. I miss talking to him. There is no chance I would ever forgive him for what he did, what he said to me, and how he made me feel however. I have secretly unblocked him on one of my phones in the hope that he might get in touch but it hasn’t happened yet. I guess he’s still fucking his way through the dating website, one girl at a time. Asshole.

The lapdog. I haven’t heard much from him recently. His girlfriend tried to add me on Facebook, and he called me at 4 in the morning, but since then, nothing at all. Maybe he has finally got the hint? I do think about him from time to time, but not enough for me to ever want to contact him again. I’m done with all that crazy!

The Big Love. I messaged him on Facebook recently to see if he would send me something home. It took a joint, a lot of re-writing and a big deep breath to send it, but I did. That was yesterday, and I have heard nothing yet. I guess he’s over it then. Huff and puff. I’m not going into another Big Love rant. Does this mean I’m on my way to being over it?

So there you have it. I don’t think I’ve missed any of them out. It doesn’t look so confusing now, but I do need to remember that the exes are exes for a reason, and if they are trying to contact me, I should just find more ways to avoid them! Heartache is a matter of choice. You either let them get you down or you don’t; it’s as simple as that!

So Today, I Met a Boy….

So today, I met a boy…

I’m getting old so the teenage crush moments that I have will be few and far between. This is my feeble excuse for an explanation as to why I’m about to have a very pathetic excuse for a blog post.

So Today I Met a Boy...

I have been speaking to his guy that we shall call One Ball. We shall name him this because he told me he only had one ball; he was born that way. We met on the same online dating website that I met the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, and Number 33 – The Prick. We have been talking for a while. We have spoken about many things – he’s divorced, I’m divorced. Well, trying to be anyway. He’s in the military, has three kids, is leaving the military, and only has one ball. Hence the name.

He kept asking me out on a date, I kept putting it off. Tonight I met him after work for a coffee. I lied and said I was on antibiotics so therefore couldn’t drink, and that I had plans later on that night, and therefore couldn’t stay long. He’s not that attractive, so I wouldn’t imagine I was going to be at all into him. He also has kids – me and kids do not get on. He’s from where I’m from, and I hate the boys around here; especially the accents. It grates on me, and I cannot stand it.

Well, it turns out that I actually quite like him. He’s funny. I was in stitches for most of the night. He is easy to talk to, about everything and anything. Because of similar background experiences, we have a lot in common and we can empathise with each other. He’s also not as bad looking as I thought he was. There is actually something very appealing about him, and I can’t work out what it is. He’s blonde and I don’t normally do those. He’s also pretty short, so I couldn’t wear heels around him. I quite liked his style thought – easy and breezy. Jeans, hoodie and black DC sneakers.

We did coffee, and we talked. Then we walked and we talked. Then we sat and we talked. We’re at our own houses right now, and we are still talking. I could talk to this guy all day. And I guess I have been, and didn’t actually realise. He was funny, I felt natural. I didn’t pretend to be someone or something I’m not. I was just…..me?

He walked me to my bus home, and we leaned together…. I hugged and cheek kissed, he just looked bloody uncomfortable. All the way I was thinking a whole bunch of things.

Did I misread it all? Was the kiss inappropriate of me? Maybe he’s not a first date kinda guy? Maybe he doesn’t like me?

So Today I Met a Boy..

I got home and found this message on my phone:

“Sorry about the awkward kiss/cuddle thing. I’m not very good at that.”

Oh my god he does like me! Oh and before I go any further, his spelling is atrocious and I don’t even care! That’s one of my biggest complaints!

This guy has something going on that I don’t even get. I really like him. I wish he had kissed me, and I’m smiling like a crazy bitch every time he texts me. He had the power to brighten up a really shitty day. I shall get to this now.

The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of is an actually crazy head fuck. He was texting me all day yesterday, telling me wanted me back, and he would do anything to do it. Then he suggested just sex. Of course, I responded to this by saying that I didn’t think just sex from him would be possible, and I didn’t believe it was a good idea.

He fucking lost it. He started telling me that the girl he pissed me off with the other day had left his an hour ago, he was fucking gagging for sex, he used her for sex, that’s all he wants from me. Then, THEN, he sent me a screen shot of their conversation!!! What the fuck is this guy on? This went on for a long time, with me trying to ignore his skank-ness, and eventually, after what felt like a million messages later, I lost it. I sent one text message:

“Please don’t text me again. Ever.”

Then I blocked him. He sent me a text and tried to call, so I added him to my reject list. Then he sent me a message on Facebook, so I blocked him. Then he sent me a message on the dating website. So I blocked him on that as well. He sent a couple more messages, all apologising, and a voicemail message, and that was it. I have blocked him in every way that I can, and he knows full well I have deleted him from my life. This asshole is finished with.

I am also putting My Mr. Grey on the back burner. He won’t answer me with a straight answer, so I’m not waiting around for him to never make up his mind. I understand he may be shy, nervous, whatever, but I deserve better than a maybe, especially if he “loves” me as much as he says to me he does.

So for now, I’m revelling in my crush. And I will continue to talk about it. I’m trying to push the conversation towards a sexual direction, just to see if we would be compatible in THAT department. It might be a bit early though, I guess? Who cares. I’m enjoying it!

Facebook

Biting Me in the Ass!

Today the men in my life came back to bite me in the ass. Me and the Guy I couldn’t get rid of have finally come to another abrupt end. The compulsive liar tendencies, and asshole exterior was too much for me to bear. We decided that it was time for us to stop talking. It was the only way to really put a stop to things.

Well, guess what ladies and gentlemen. He text me today. Of course he did. We all knew that was coming. Do you want to know what he text me? Let me share the secret:

“Hey babe, I just wanted you to know that I got laid last night, and it was so very vanilla. She had nothing on you!”

What. The. Fuck. Exclamation point. Question mark.

First of all, who the fuck actually says that to someone? Why would any man in his right mind send that to his ex-girlfriend, with whom he is trying to get back with? Great, now I now you’re dicking around, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot barge pole. Secondly, did he seriously think that it would make me angry? Perhaps jealous? Angry is probably the right word. Who does he think he is? Who says that?!?! I would hate to be that poor girl right now. Unless she has, like me, realised that he couldn’t kiss to save his life. And although he has a giant penis, aside from pounding someone really hard, he wouldn’t have a clue what to do with it. If she hasn’t noticed all of that, she is probably really into this guy who has the giant cock, the warm smile, and some serious charm moves when he can be bothered.

She probably really likes this guy, and he is talking like that to an ex-girlfriend. That is the most childish thing I have ever heard, as well as the meanest! Poor girl. I just hope she never finds that out!

He is very clearly using this girl, not only to get one up on me, (who had sex with someone else first?) but to try and make me jealous enough to go back to him. He underestimates me, clearly. Why would any girl want a girl that would act like that to a fellow girl? Surely the sister-hood instinct would kick in, and any chick would steer well clear? What if they did the same to you?

Of course, the obvious hit me as well – I am either very good in bed, or he has had a series of very bad shags. This made my ego straighten up and stand tall, that’s for sure. This was only for a minute though, of course, and then my sister-hood instinct kicked in, and I realise this guy was an actual douschebag.

He text me later on this evening apologising. I told him earlier that we weren’t meant to be talking, and he was trashy with what he said. Trashy was the nice easy of putting it; what I actually mean was fucking scummy trash bag. That was a little harsh though, so I kept it to myself. I unfriended him on Facebook. Then he’ll realise I’m pissed.

That’s not all that happened. Oh no. The other thing that happened started last night too. The Lapdogs girlfriend added me as a friend on Facebook. Again:

What. The. Fuck. Exclamation point. Question mark.

Why is she adding me on Facebook? What does she want? What could we possibly have to talk about? Are they breaking up? What has he said about me? What does she think about me? See, the questions have started. Fuck you bitch!

It got worse people. Much worse. The Lapdog then CALLED me at 4am this morning.

What. The. Fuck. Exclamation point. Question mark.

He didn’t call just one of my phones. He text both phones. I have two phones, by the way. I ignored both calls, of course. It was four in the fucking morning. I had work at ten. I fell asleep at two. Thanks to this asshole, I got about three or four hours sleep. After he called me, he then clearly heard my answer machine message, and text me –

“Hi, you’ve reached Notsosexinthecity (Clearly my name, but this is anonymous!) She might grow up and talk to you when she is done with all of her fucking crap, but probably not!”

Ugh. I thought I was done with that guy. Apparently not. Just like bloody always. Thankfully I haven’t heard from him all day, but I’m waiting for another call or text. The guy is a fruit loop, mental in the face, completely cuckoo.

It has got me to thinking about what’s going on in his relationship for him and her to be calling, texting, and randomly adding people on Facebook. I just hope she doesn’t ditch him, because then he sure won’t leave me alone!

Another Crazy Update from the Facebook Stalker

I am so mad right now. It’s funny because I wasn’t mad before and it has literally just hit me. The Ex, Number 29, has put a new picture up on Facebook. It’s the outside of OUR house with his two new vehicles and a boat. OUR FUCKING HOUSE! He tagged Her, The New Bitch, in his photo. That’s not her damn house, it’s mine! As you can probably tell, this is going to be a rant, and I am very sorry in advance for any language this may contain.

How is this shit still bugging me? It’s been over 6 months now. 8 in fact! Why is this still hitting me so godamn hard?

If I saw this guy right now, I would punch him in the face. How dare he? That furniture; that was picked out by ME! That art work on the walls; yeah that was me too, asshole! The way I turned one entire wall in our bedroom into a curtained wall; yup, as you’ve probably guessed – that was all me too! That house screams me. Everything about it is me. How could he tag her in it?

I put my heart and soul into that house. It was the perfect combination of him and me – his need for modern touches, with my need for soft art work and impressive, yet unique, finishes. It was US. How could he make it THEM?

We fought over the interior of that house. I remember the first time we fucked in that bed. The time that I gave him head on the couch with the blinds open in the middle of the afternoon. The time we were both coked up, and he fucked me with a Budweiser bottle on the living room floor. The way I was bent over the kitchen work surface in a maids outfit, waiting for him to come home. The tea light candles that I placed all the way down the stairs, leading to the bathroom when I wanted to give him a romantic bath for two. That hole in the wall I made when I throw his boot at him. The bump on the stairway wall when we couldn’t get the couch in. So many memories. How could he have forgotten? How could he replace me with her?

He can’t have loved me. He wouldn’t rub it in my face that way if he did. He knows full well that I would be stalking his Facebook page, and yet he made THAT picture, tagged with his new girlfriend, his cover picture – the first picture I would see. How could he do that? This breaks my heart that he could be so heartless. I know it’s his Facebook and all, but really? Our house tagged with her in it?

It’s funny because when we broke up, all I could remember was the bad times. Now, all I can remember is the good – him pissing in the corner of the bedroom because he was drunk. That was ridiculously funny. Funnier than it should have been, anyway. I remember being sat on the floor in the living room, playing with my new Louboutin shoes he gave me for my birthday. I remember the way that we used to lay on the couch, me wrapped in my blanket and leaning on him, him playing Call of Duty or some other game, which I used to love just watching him play. Where did all my bad memories go? Why is it that I just remember the good? I cannot believe all of these memories were so easily replaced. He used to tell me that he knew I was “The One”, what happened to that? Did it just disappear? I know when I called him “The One” I truly meant it. And I still do.

I’m so hurt by this guy right now, and his actions. His blatant disrespect for my feelings clearly shows he’s over it already. He made a post on Facebook just a little while ago saying something along the lines of “Did you ever just look at “your past” and go wow! Did I make the right choice!” The punctuation he chose made things rather confusing to me. The exclamation point at the end of the sentence says to me that he’s thinking he most definitely did make the right choice. However, he was never any good at punctuation and this could have just been a typo. I am missing the most important thing though, of course; he doesn’t necessarily mean me! I automatically assumed it was me, of course, and this sent me on a spiral of depression. Why did he make the right choice? Have I got older? Am I ugly? What is so wrong with my life that he would say that? All of these swiftly followed by a side helping of – He must be stalking my Facebook page – he’s still interested in my life!

See what I mean – this guy sends me into a spiral of crazy, to levels I didn’t even know I had within me. Fuck I miss him. How is still having this effect on me? I keep having this constant day dream of him turning up at my door with the news that I have always wanted to hear. It’s never going to happen; when the hell am I going to get over this? My mind seems to have been consumed with My Mr. Grey, and Number 29, with a side order of Number 15, (The Lapdog) who text me the other night, asking me if I had blocked him on Facebook. I had, but that was because of a recent fight, which left me so mad at him, I didn’t even want to have contact with him. When did men become my life? That is a ridiculous question; men have always been the be-all, and end-all of my life. It’s just getting so confusing. That is before we even get to the thought that the guy I couldn’t get rid of could be a compulsive liar. This is another story for another day. My future seems to be with My Mr. Grey, but I can’t get him to commit to it. My past with My Big Love; I just can’t seem to leave it behind. I am in limbo – I’m in the middle of love, lust and hatred. And I fucking hate it. Fuck you Singledom!

I Asked the Question… And Got No Answers!

I finally decided it was time to bite the bullet and ask My Mr. Grey what the deal was between us. I huffed and I puffed and I paced the room, and I wrote that message and I stared at it for a while before I pressed send. This was nerve wracking. I had told him how I felt before and he had said he felt the same, but this time was different; I was asking him to make a commitment to me. It has been a month and a bit with no sex. I’ve not slept with anyone since him, and that was at the beginning of August. I have no interest in sleeping with anyone else even though I have hung out with the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of quite a bit, and boy, has he tried it on!

It went a little something like this:

“I want you. I just want you. I adore everything about you, and there is nothing about you that I complain about, or want t o change. What are we doing? Are we “together”, as in not doing anyone else?”

It turns out there is something about him that I can complain about; that I would change – He couldn’t answer the question. It has been a couple of days and all he has done is skirted around the conversation! He feels the same, he is scared, distance is a factor, he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else, isn’t doing anyone else…. No yes! All I wanted is a “Yes, we are together!” He invited me to a wedding at the end of the month – not just the reception but an ACTUAL wedding. Yet he cannot seem to find whatever balls it takes to just say yes to a relationship with me.

He told me that he thought I was too good for him and possibly couldn’t give me the life I wanted. What the fuck? Too good for him? This is the guy that I have been in love with for about 8 years. I have fantasized about him, about a life with him both in the bedroom and out of it. I finally pluck up the courage to tell him that I want a relationship and he couldn’t answer the godamn question? What the fuck?

I have realized that there are a couple of different situations that could be going on here:

  • He could be keeping me on the back burner in case something better doesn’t come along. “Too good for him” just sounds like a total cop-out, and this makes me mad. I bared my heart and soul to him, and plucked up the balls to finally tell him what I wanted, and he just isn’t sure.
  • He could be scared. I do understand this – taking the leap from 8-year friends and ‘fuck buddies’ to an actual relationship is a tough call. I know how hard it was to tell him how I actually felt so I can understand the concerns. If he felt like this however, he should just tell me instead of skirting around the conversation completely.
  • He thinks we may want different things. He wants to settle down and have a family soon and I’m not sure where I stand on the family front. I have never wanted to reproduce and I’m still married to the asshole so I’m not even sure I would want to get married again. The thing is what if we don’t give it a go and in 3 years time I decide I DO want a wedding and some kids? What if we give it a go and I don’t? Surely if everything is so perfect everywhere else, it’s worth giving it a shot to find out? He’s only 32, I’m only 26 – we have plenty of time to figure this out!
  • He’s not that into me. I don’t think this is the case. From the things he says and the way he is around me, I believe him to care for me as much as I care for him. Unless I’m letting my own feelings carry me away, and I’m just reading too much into it again. I have been known to do this before.

It’s such a pain in the ass! He won’t commit to me! What am I meant to do about this? Do I carry on dating? I’m talking to a couple guys that I met on an online dating website, and the guy I couldn’t get rid of is basically offering me sex on a plate, but I don’t want to destroy what I have with My Mr. Grey by stupidly jumping into bed with someone else. What if I meet someone else and we start a relationship and then My Mr. Grey decides he wants more? Surely he must know that I wouldn’t be willing to wait around forever? I have needs. I’m sure he does too. This means that he may jump into bed with someone else too, and knowing about this would break my heart!

I am in such a pickle right now. I have no clue what to do or what to say. I thought about saying it one more time – I want more, do you? However, surely I am just backing him into a corner like the other guys did to me, and all that did was make me run away. I definitely don’t want this.

Just to give you some idea of what I am dealing with here, I will give you some snippets of how he skirted the topic:

“Well I’m not “doing” anyone else either… haha. I dunno. I’ve also been known to be wrong before”

“We need to be closer to do it properly” (In response to this, I made him aware that I would be open to the idea of moving eventually)

“I know I want to see you all the time”

“I’m afraid I’m not actually gonna be good enough for you. I think you’re mega.”

“I really want “we” to be, but the question is, do I think you’re worth taking a risk for? The answer is yes, I just worry we want different things”

“I love you more than toast” (This is a big deal and a little cute thing we have between us)

Then he asked what it would take for us to be PERFECT to which I responded that I wasn’t looking for perfection, just happiness; something I believe I could get with him. And then it stopped… the conversation stopped. He sent me a picture of his penis and we spent the next 5 hours text sexting.

What do I do about this information? What am I supposed to do about this information? This isn’t normal for me. It’s usually me not answering the conversation and avoiding the relationship chat, and now the boot is on the other foot, I’m not sure I like it.

So, there you have it. The worst of it is because I can’t have him and he won’t just answer the question, I want him a whole load more. I’m trying to avoid his conversations right now. I have avoided the messages this morning, and I didn’t text him back a whole bunch yesterday either. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to put my heart and soul into someone that I truly believe is worth it, only to have my heart broken again because of a misunderstanding. I’m hoping that my silence, or at least distance towards him will make him realize. He’s a guy – probably not.