OK, it’s official. I am already fed up of this being single business. I am lonely, I am horny, and above all, I miss having someone to snuggle up with in bed at night. What the hell is wrong with me? I had the Lapdog and I didn’t want him; now I do. I had the guy I couldn’t get rid of but did, I didn’t want him, and now I kinda want him to come back. What the hell?
I do appreciate that I am a girl, and I am meant to change my mind every five minutes, but this is beyond ridiculous now.
Work today was fun – we dressed up in beach wear to raise money for charity. I have a large chest that I rarely get out in public. Today, I made an exception. I wore a tight fitting white vest with a Hawaiian shirt over the top, tied up at the waist, and I did my hair and makeup all big and colorful. Did I find a single man to flirt with? Did I fuck? All that tit and no “tadaaa” Perfect. Just what my confidence needs right now.
After work I met the Bestie that I have never had a dalliance with. We did some shopping, went for some coffee, and generally had a giggle. We held hands in the grocery store – this is something we do a lot. It never means anything to either of us; it’s just something we do. Today it made me realize how much I missed having someone else’s fingers in those spaces between my own. I want to feel the warmth, and perhaps love, of a man around me. That is, of course, until I have it and then I no longer want it anymore.
I am now home, staring at my computer screen and wondering what is up with my evening. It’s a Friday night and my big plans are – smoke a spliff, eat the two large bars of chocolate I have bought, and fall asleep, possibly watching some cheesy romantic movie that will make me cry and feel even worse about myself than I already do right now. What a great Friday night.
The thing is I don’t really go out drinking these days. I don’t really go out and do a lot of anything, so the chances of me actually meeting a man that I want to have some kind, any kind of relationship with is pretty damn slim. How the hell am I meant to meet a man when I work, come home and look after my demented family, (the Grandpa was poorly at the beginning of the week so I am kind of caring for him right now) and smoke weed until I giggle and don’t feel the loneliness of being single anymore? I don’t really have that many friends here anymore either – I was away for seven years and only came back around six months ago. All of my old friends are either people I cannot stand to be around anymore, (the town I live in is less than desirable) or have had babies, got married and moved on with their lives. It would seem that I have gone right back to the beginning, and with all my travelling and love stories, I am no closer to where I want to be than what I was when I was 17 years old!
It’s hard meeting new people when you don’t even know where you belong anymore. Do I want to stay in this country now? Is it even worth me trying to make new friends? Where do I see myself in five years time? These are all questions I have randomly zipping through my mind, and in reality, I have no idea what the answers are to any of them. All I know is that I want to be happy. I don’t know if I want a relationship, and I probably won’t know until the right (or wrong) man comes along. I don’t know if I want to get married again. I don’t know if I want babies. I’m just over my mid-twenties now, so these are things that surely I would, or should know by now? Everyone keeps telling me that one day I will wake up and everything will click into place, especially where babies and such like are concerned. Why hasn’t this happened to me yet? I have been married, I have been in love, and I have moved to the other side of the world for men that I would have given my right arm to. Why don’t I want kids yet?
This is why I hate being single. I question everything about myself that I thought I loved. I used to love the fact that I was a free spirit that had no home. I used to love that I was an adventure seeker. I used to love that I was unpredictable. Now I’m not so sure. Perhaps it is just the weird and strange place that I am in right now? After all, we have pretty much established that I am nowhere near over the Big Love, (no more Facebook posts to report as yet) and definitely not ready to move on. One thing is for sure however, and that is that something needs to change soon; otherwise I can see myself spiraling into a dark place that I was once, and hope never to go to again. In all fairness, I probably just need a bit of action – another little fling to help me through my dark days. It always seemed to help before….