Today Has Been Hell.

Today has been a pretty hellish day. Firstly, last night the guy that I’m trying to get rid of turned up unannounced at my house. I have space issues and I am not used to a man being around all the time, so when I say I need my space; I need my space. Him turning up uninvited at 12:30 at night was the last thing I wanted. I was already feeling pretty low. On top of that, we had a mini fight. I’m looking for a reason to get rid of him to be honest, so I guess it is working out pretty well, but all I wanted to do was to crawl into my bed and sleep off my horrible mood.

He left this morning without any hassles and then my mother called in tears. She had a car crash a while back and has had a few injuries at the hands of it. Well, it turns out one of her injuries might not have been an injury – she is now being tested for cancer. Lymphoma to be more precise. She should get the blood results back on Monday, and we’re all keeping our fingers tightly crossed that it is nothing to be worried about. With anyone else, I keep my shit together pretty well, but the thought of my Mama Bear having to deal with this; it tore me to shreds and I couldn’t keep the tears in. I’m not a crier by nature, so the fact that I cried just scared her even more.

My Mama Bear eats healthy, she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t smoke and she’s in shape. Why the hell could she have cancer? It makes me angry. I don’t know how to deal with the rush of emotion that I have running through my body right now. I’m angry and sad, fearful yet hopeful, scared yet confused. I’m a smoker, I drink, I was overweight up until recently, and I don’t really eat that healthy. Yet I’m fine. I appreciate I have age on my side, but it’s not fair. She’s my Mama and without her, I don’t know how I would survive. She is my rock, my best friend, my Mother and my everything. The thought of her possibly having this killer is terrifying and I don’t know what to do.

I comforted her of course – it’s probably nothing, the Doctor’s have to test for everything, don’t worry yourself about it, just wait for the results and we’ll take it from there… blah blah blah. She has convinced herself that she has it, and I can’t seem to find the strength to put the right amount of conviction in my voice to tell her that she is going to be OK. I realized – I could deal with anything with her right by my side, but without her, I’d fall apart.

So for now, we wait. We wait a long and painful weekend until we get the results that hopefully, tell her she is overreacting. I’m dreading that phone call from her. Monday morning, right before I have to go to work. I’m hoping if its bad news, I can keep myself together for long enough to convince her that we will be OK, and she WILL pull through this. She has to – she’s my Mama.

Then there is my Sister. She is a sensitive soul and we have decided not to tell anyone about this until we know the results for sure from the Doctors on Monday. This would cripple my Sister. She is even more dependent on our Mother than I am. She lives with her. This is not a conversation I am going to enjoy having.

I know we are probably overreacting, but when someone says that “C” word to you – the only thing you can think about is how you are going to lose the one person that means more to you than anyone else in the world. I just hope the results are good – ones that we want to hear…. It’s strange though, because of all the things I have running through my head right now, I can’t seem to be able to put them down in words, and normally that’s the one thing that helps me get through stuff. Right now, I have so many things in my head; I can’t make sense of it all.

So, keep your fingers tightly crossed for us. I know I sure as hell will be. And if there is a God, which I’m not even sure of, he answers my secret prayers and let’s my beautiful Mama be OK xoxoxo

One thought on “Today Has Been Hell.

  1. My mother died of cancer the same year my daughter was born. After a five year struggle, they missed seeing each other by 4 months. You feel helpless…you ARE helpless. My mother was the same way; didn’t drink, smoke, and lived a very active and healthy lifestyle. I won’t comment any further until you know more except for this…

    Let your sister know. My parents didn’t tell me about her first bout with cancer until treatment was over…I felt lied to and unimportant in the most important thing my mother had to face to date. They then lied about the third re-emergence. She may be sensitive, but you all need to support each other and that gets harder the more one of you feels lied to.

    You should have my email if you want to talk more or have any questions.

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