Tonight I am feeling melancholy. I got home from work, smoked a doobie and to be honest, I’m feeling kinda sad today. I don’t even know really.
Actually, I think I do know what it is. It’s loneliness. I may love to laugh, joke around and generally be obsessed with sex but in reality, I’m just a little girl in a big world looking for her happy ending. I think about all the guys I left behind… I’m doing that right now. The hubby with his wandering cock and anger problem, the big love with the beautiful face and the coke problem, the lapdog with the amazing sex and the stalker problem. All of these guys had a massive impact on me in one way or another, and although I may have come far with regards to how much dignity I try and hold up, or how little I will put up with shit, I’m still no closer to finding the fairytale ending that everyone tells me I deserve.
I miss my big love. I miss it at times like this when I’m feeling blue. He hurt me more than anyone else, and in reality, I guess he didn’t really do anything wrong. Even despite the tears I cried and the lonely nights I spent on the couch, I’d give anything to be back there. Not all the time, of course, just at times like this.
I miss the way our bed felt with him in it. He was always warm in bed, and as much as I used to hate his snoring with a passion, it was comforting to know he was there. I never once thought the one thing I hated about him more than anything else would end up being the one thing about him I find myself missing the most. That and the way his arms felt around me. I remember this one time that I was crying so hard, I wasn’t really making a noise anymore; I was just shaking all over, and dribbling all the over the place. Anyway, he gave me the biggest cuddle. He pulled me onto his lap, wrapped his arms around me, and just held me without saying a word for what felt like eternity. He made me feel safe. The zombie apocalypse; he’d have saved me from that for sure.
He had a new girlfriend in no time after I left, but I don’t think he’s that into it to be honest. I know what he’s like in love and he likes to shout about it, especially on Facebook. She’s very clearly into him, but yet there is nothing back the other way. Maybe I’m wrong, I just think he had something to prove once I’d gone. She was it.
I stalk him in Facebook sometimes. It rips me to shreds and I don’t know why I do it to myself. I’m kinda waiting for the day he leaves her. I’m not sure why – I doubt he’d even think about me. But it would make me feel better for sure!
I miss the lapdog too. He’s happy with the Bitch. I’m glad, I really am. At the same time though, I hate it. I know I have my current guy; the one I’m trying to get rid of. Last night he really made me smile. I don’t know if it’s because I hadn’t seem him in a while, but the sex was epic (he tied me up and blindfolded me) and I thought he looked cute. He had his hair different and I really liked it. I actually had a good time with him. And then this morning I realised again that I’m still not that into him. Not even spending the night in his ‘nook’ – the bit where his armpit meets his chest, and your head just fits perfectly. He did wake me up at 5am for sex though. Idiot. He knows I’m not a morning person. And when I got home from work, he’d left his cup in my room and not bothered to clean up after himself. Huff!
I guess I’m just having a bad day. A bad day that would have been perfectly fixed by a good cuddle from a man I adore….