Why do I want what I can’t have?

There’s a guy. Of course there is, there is always a guy. He is number 15 in my list of guys from the post – What’s Your Number? He is my lapdog; the one that I love but hate at the same time.

As mentioned before, we love each other to death, but in the relationship sense, we just don’t work. I can’t commit, probably because I’m still pining for the big love, (Number 29) and he turns stalker-esque every time we even try to date. By stalker-esque I mean posting candy bars through my letter box anonymously, writing me six page handwritten letters…. Etc. We dated around 7 years ago – he turned stalker-esque, we broke up, I got married and then moved away. We had no contact for around 4 years, got back in contact and now we are friends. When I came back from the other side of the world, we started seeing each other again; friends with benefits. That’s where it all began…

The thing is we had a big falling out recently because I didn’t want a relationship with him. We were practically in a relationship anyway – the only thing that was missing was the status on Facebook. His family always saw us together, my family always saw us together, our friends knew we were FWB – friends with benefits, etc. Anyway, I wasn’t looking for a relationship and he became too heavy duty, so we had a big fight and stopped talking for a little while. Again. Then I met my current guy, (the one that is getting too hardcore now, and I am in the process of trying to get rid of) and obviously, this confused the lapdog because I’m now in a relationship, even on Facebook, just a few weeks after I said I didn’t want to be. I can understand his annoyance wholeheartedly, but in all fairness, how are you meant to tell someone that you can’t be in a relationship with them because they are downright crazy?

Anyway, that’s the back story pretty much done. We have started talking again and he now has a new girlfriend – get’s him off my back, right? You’d think I would be happy. Of course I’m not; I’m a girl and we are never happy. Now he has this girlfriend; within a week of their first date they were in a relationship on Facebook! He calls her the same nickname he used to call me – “My Beautiful”, and he has even put pictures up on the site in EXACTLY the same poses as we had together! This has completely gripped my shit. Yes, I understand that I didn’t want him and pretty much kicked him to the curb, but now he has someone else, I’m feeling a pang of something…. Could this be the green eyed monster making an ugly appearance?

Now, don’t get me wrong – I know exactly how much of a crazy bitch I sound right now. This guy stalked me. He would not leave me alone. The thing is we have been friend/FWB’s/whatever you want to call it for so long now, it just doesn’t feel right when we are not. I adore the guy. I do love him. It’s just bad timing. Now he has this other girl, for now we will call her the Bitch, I want my stalker back! Just in case you are confused, let me just give you the pros and cons for this guy so that you can better understand my dilemma:

The pros:

  • He kisses exactly how I would want a guy to kiss. When he kisses me, my legs buckle and all I can think about is taking his clothes off.
  • His cock is perfect. In every single teeny tiny little way. It has the perfect length, the perfect girth, it does things to me that I don’t understand. Even his tongue is perfect. And his fingers. This guy gives me some of the most brilliant sex I have ever had, and he is adventurous too! The car, the bed, the stairs, the garage… Oh my fucking god! I remember giving him head in his garage once; he came all over my face, and wow! It was the most perfect moment I have ever had. He looked so happy, and I felt like the sexiest woman in the world.
  • He spoils me. Nothing is too much for him, especially when it comes to me. He’d drive to the other side of the country for me, he’d buy me everything and anything I asked for, he’d spend hours just playing with my body with no expectations of getting anything back in return.
  • He is damn funny! He makes me laugh, giggle, pee my pants…. I’m convincing myself that this guy is perfect for me right now.
  • I love his family. Like adore his family. And I think they kinda love me too.

Now for the cons:

  • I used to think he wasn’t muscle enough for me, but my current guy is the skinniest thing that I have ever been to bed with, and now I crave the wee man muscles that the lapdog has.
  • He is obsessed with his car. The thing is he actually incorporates me into this with something I actually understand – sex. This is how he explains stuff to me. He explains something and then tells me how we can fuck on it, how it would vibrate while we are fucking, how it would sound better when we are fucking….
  • He is younger than me. I hate that. 2 years. Is it really that big a deal?
  • He lives at home. So do I but I just moved back from the other side of the world so that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it.
  • He is always broke. Student debts, his car, etc. all mount up and although the money thing doesn’t apply to me because he still goes out of his way to make sure that we can do things together, and he still spoils me, I hate how broke he is.
  • He’s dyslexic – I hate men that can’t spell.
  • Sometimes his breath smells. I’m hitting the bottom of the barrel now. It’s because he smokes. I’m a smoker too but I always have gum or mints. I am a non-smoking smoker – I hate the way it smells, tastes, etc.
  • He does things on purpose to piss me off. The picture of him and the Bitch on Facebook, the calling her the same name he used to call me, he texts me and tells me things about them that I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR!!!
  • He is too full on – he wants me around all the time, and when I don’t want to be around, or can’t be around, he wonders where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m fucking… he’s pretty paranoid but past relationships have done this to him and I know this.
  • He texts me ALL THE TIME! It’s exhausting texting a man that often. It drives me nuts. What’s the point in us seeing each other in the evening if all I have done all day is tell you every exact moment of my day! I understand a few texts; I can deal with that, but all day every day? Too much!

I guess when you think about it, the pros kind of outweigh the cons, especially when you take a look at what I’m really looking for in a man… Maybe I was too hasty in throwing this man away? Maybe I should have just given him a chance to begin with and I wouldn’t be trying to get rid of the man I’m with now, or feeling jealous about the lapdog with the Bitch. So what do I do now? Should I tell him how I feel or just shut up and get over it? He told me just the other night that he loves me and will always have a place in my heart for me….. The thing is will I get him back and then get freaked out all over again, thus ruining his chances of happiness with the Bitch? Maybe laying in wait for them to break up is my only option. After all, I made my bed and I should probably just lie in it! Without or without him and his great sex!

One thought on “Why do I want what I can’t have?

  1. It actually sounds like the cons outweigh the pros. He sounds domineering, and not in the good way. Like utterly take control of your life. Texting all the time, wants to know where you are every minute of the day. Screw past relationships…that’s what THEY did to him, not you. He does little things to piss you off. He is trying to replace you with the Bitch. Literally. He is controlling her like he wants to control you. Be careful.

    Plenty of good cock in the sea. (that is the expression right?)

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