So… I have a question for you. What is the obsession with guys and anal sex? Now don’t get me wrong, if it’s on the menu, I’ll order it from time to time, but let’s be honest about this; we girlies don’t get an awful lot of pleasure out of it, if at all. I like it sometimes because it’s naughty, it’s taboo, and I like pain. I guess we have already established this freakish part of my nature.
The thing is the guy I’m with now, and many more before him, have been obsessed with the idea of anal sex. I made the mistake of doing it far too early with current man – it was only a few weeks into our relationship, we had smoked a joint or two, and I was feeling particularly frisky. The guy before him; The Big Love, he wasn’t a fan to be fair, but again, he ordered it from time to time. The lapdog; the guy I occasionally sleep with from time to time, well he loves it too. It kinda begs the question – if all these guys are so against the idea of being gay, and anal sex with a man, why and how does it become acceptable with a woman? Surely anal is anal, regardless of what gender you are doing it with?
I will never forget my first anal experience, and if I’m honest, it probably scarred me for more than a little while. He was the guy that blindfolded me and tied me up the first time we slept together. We had been to a drunken house party, and he tried to put it in my ass dry, without lubrication, and most definitely without warning. I remember being pushed up into a wall with nowhere to go, and the whole experience terrified me for a long time.
Thankfully guys these days seem to be a little more clued up on the subject; realising that a little lube will get you a long way. However, regardless of how much lube you use, you do need to understand, gentleman, that a certain amount of preparation needs to go into this part of sex.
For example, I have a rather embarrassing story to tell. Well, two actually. A little while ago, with the guy I’m dating now, I indulged in a little of the anal. After everything was done, I realised that during our rampant love making, a tiny rabbit poop pellet had escaped my ass, found its way into my bed, and the guy had rubbed it into my sheets with his knee. This lead to a lump of turd on his leg, and pretty messy bed sheets. I noticed before we fell asleep and I just wanted to die. He hadn’t noticed at this point. I was trying to rack my brains for a method that I could extract my poop from his knee, without pulling his leg hairs, as well as a way to subtly change the sheets in the middle of the night. Turns out that there is no subtle way. I fell asleep.
The next morning I turned into an OCD clean freak, pretty much kicking him outta my bed so I could clean the sheets. This was part of my problem out the way, but what did I do about the lump of turd on his leg? Well, by the time I had got dressed and got myself ready for work, he had already picked the offending lump from his leg. To this day, neither of us has spoke to about it, so I’m hoping he thought it was chocolate. As long as he doesn’t bring it up in conversation, I can pretend the situation never happened, and I’m guessing he can too.
That’s not the first time a poop-anal situation has happened with me either! The Big Love found a rabbit pellet that had escaped my ass in the bed, but wasn’t as dignified about his reaction and it became a running joke throughout the course of our relationship. I was the girl that pooped the bed.
I like to be prepared when it comes to anal. I have to be squeaky clean, freshly showered, and emptied so to speak. Let’s be honest; poop lives there so there has to be a certain amount of discretion when it comes to this area, right? The thing is it doesn’t matter how prepared I like to think I am, something embarrassing always seems to happen, which kinda makes me think – maybe I should just stop doing it? After all aren’t I only doing it in the first place to make HIM happy, whoever he may be at the time.
It just goes to show how much we ladies are really willing to do when it comes to love. Or not even love; lust! Not only do we shave, wax, exfoliate, moisturise, tan, adorn sexy lingerie, put on our huskiest voice, and suck in all our wobbly bits, but now we have to learn how to discreetly poop the bed too! Is it really worth it just to be seen as a sexual goddess? I guess for me it is as the man is coming over later, and from his text messages this evening, he’s already pretty much made it clear what he’s ordering tonight. I guess I best head to the bathroom then……