Dipping Your Pen in the Office Ink?

There’s this guy I work with – he’s not attractive to me AT ALL, he’s not my type, I don’t look at him and want to jump on him, but for some reason, we seem to have this mild flirtation going on, and in short, I have been thinking about him recently. Now I do appreciate that I am single for the first time in a long time, and I am also not getting laid, so I am pretty much ready to jump on anything that moves at this point, but regardless of all of this – what is going on in my head?!

This guy has a child – this is a massive no-no for me to begin with. He is arrogant, difficult to get along with, completely against everything appearance-wise that I would go for in a man, and we fight like cat and dog at work. You know when you think to yourself – this is wrong but I’d still do it anyway and never admit it to anyone; that’s where I am right now.

So what’s the attraction with this guy? He’s very reserved; he had a lot of custody problems with his child and the baby Mama who sounds like a crack whore. It takes a lot to crack him, and for him to trust anyone, and everyone has commented at work that he has taken to me very nicely and also very fast. It took a male colleague a year to get accepted as a friend on Facebook, (his Facebook was once used against him in court with the custody battle, so everything is SUPER private) yet it has been just two months and we are already Facebook buddies. I guess in short, I cracked him. We have this mild text flirtation going on outside of work hours; something that has been cracked up a notch in the recent days that I have found myself single again. I just thought it was a bit of friendly banter at first, now I’m wondering if there is more in it.

So what’s the deal? Am I truly interested in this guy or is he just a plaything until something else, (better) comes along? Is it a bit of friendly banter for him, or am I technically leading him on? He’s not super ugly, so he can’t be short of female admirers. He’s just not the type of man that I would go for.

Now we have a policy at work that you are not allowed to diddle your colleagues, so I know nothing would really happen between us, but I did have this very interesting dream last night, which is what prompted today’s post. In my dream, he was a master in bed; something that shocked me, even in my unconscious state. I can’t imagine him to be good in bed, but in all fairness, I have been wrong about this before, so I shall hold my judgment. Not that I’d ever know anyway. He has been on my mind a lot recently, especially during our friendly text flirtation, and I find myself smiling to myself whenever I receive a less than clean text from him. Could I possibly like someone that goes completely against my grain, and if so, could we get away with it without anyone at work knowing? And – how uncomfortable would it be if he were to be shit in the sack, so to speak, and then I had to face him almost every day at work? OK, I have just answered my own question – this is a bad idea, you slut, and leave the poor single Papa’s alone!

I Finally Did It….

So, I haven’t been around recently and I apologize to my readers for this. It’s been a pretty hectic week to be fair so I thought I’d give you all an update.

So the Mama Bear stuff – she got her blood tests back and they were all clear, so that is good. She had an ultrasound and they found nodules, and we are awaiting the results of those to see if she needs a biopsy. She is in better spirits thankfully, which means that we all are, and my sister now knows about it all so I don’t have to watch my mouth. I’m not very good at keeping secrets and I can never remember to think before I speak, so trying to keep a secret like that for very long would have nearly crippled me!

Now for the man… Well, Wednesday night he came over and we had a bit of a mini fight. He wants my time all the time, and I simply cannot give it to him. Between my Mama, my job, my freelance writing on the side, and my friends and family, I don’t have a lot of time, and I have recently come to the conclusion that I simply do not have time to be a girlfriend. I need a fuck buddy that is there when I need him, and gone when I don’t. It turns out the man was already having reservations about the lack of time we were spending together, or the fact that we didn’t feel like “boyfriend and girlfriend”, so not only did I manage to break up with him somewhat successfully, I also managed to make him believe that it was his idea. Score!

He was fine Wednesday night. I decided to let him stay and obviously honored the parting blowjob. I broke his heart in a roundabout sort of way, so it was the least I could do. Thursday morning we woke up and he started getting all girlie on my ass. Now I don’t mind a bit of emotion from a guy, but considering that we have been dating since April, and in a relationship since the beginning of June, I personally feel that this meant far too much to him for such a short amount of time. I mean, I know I’m kinda cool, but I’m not really anything special, and for him to react in the way that he did Thursday morning, and right up until now, I just feel that he was being a tad melodramatic.

We both agreed that this relationship wasn’t going in quite the right way for either of us. He’s 28, so there is a good chance that he is going to want to settle down at some point soon, and I’ve already done the marriage thing and I haven’t divorced that twat yet, so I’m certainly not looking to settle anytime soon. Also, he wants a proper girlfriend – holding hands, public displays of affection, lots of time toghether, etc. Right now, that really isn’t my thing. So, the sensible option was for us to break up and for him to stop wasting his time on something that wasn’t going to go his way at any point soon.

Firstly, when he left me on Thursday, he decided to tell me that if we were meant to be together, we would end up back together. Sweet. This morning, I woke up to messages from him telling me that he didn’t want us to break up and he thinks we gave up too soon. Seriously? How many more times do I have to tell this guy that right now, a relationship is not for me? It was one of the biggest reasons why the Lapdog and I didn’t work out! It’s funny because the current guy picked up on my reactions to the Lapdog and the things that he did, and commented on how I was jealous. I fought against this to the death of course, but he does have a fair point.

This brings me very nicely to my next point – last night I missed the Lapdogs birthday party, and I feel like a pile of shit about it to be honest. I didn’t go for a few reasons. Firstly, I couldn’t really afford it. Secondly, he had invited a guy that I tried to date when I first came home from the other side of the world, and it all just got a bit weird. Also, this guy and the Lapdog actually hated each for years, so I’m not really sure what’s going on with that situation. From what I can figure out, the guy I almost dated is the best friend of the Lapdog’s girlfriend, AKA the Bitch. Hence the invite, I’m assuming. Thirdly, I don’t want to see the Lapdog sucking the Bitch’s face off the entire evening. I’m single now, so technically I’m not getting laid. I’m going to want to have sex with the Lapdog, and I know that I can’t because he has a girlfriend now.

In short, I am back to being single. I am back to not getting laid. I am also back to staring at my ceiling, feeling more than a little lonely, wishing I had someone to snuggle up with, just like I did last night. However, I would rather be single than not happy with the guy I’m with, so I guess I made the right decisions. Or so I hope….

Today Has Been Hell.

Today has been a pretty hellish day. Firstly, last night the guy that I’m trying to get rid of turned up unannounced at my house. I have space issues and I am not used to a man being around all the time, so when I say I need my space; I need my space. Him turning up uninvited at 12:30 at night was the last thing I wanted. I was already feeling pretty low. On top of that, we had a mini fight. I’m looking for a reason to get rid of him to be honest, so I guess it is working out pretty well, but all I wanted to do was to crawl into my bed and sleep off my horrible mood.

He left this morning without any hassles and then my mother called in tears. She had a car crash a while back and has had a few injuries at the hands of it. Well, it turns out one of her injuries might not have been an injury – she is now being tested for cancer. Lymphoma to be more precise. She should get the blood results back on Monday, and we’re all keeping our fingers tightly crossed that it is nothing to be worried about. With anyone else, I keep my shit together pretty well, but the thought of my Mama Bear having to deal with this; it tore me to shreds and I couldn’t keep the tears in. I’m not a crier by nature, so the fact that I cried just scared her even more.

My Mama Bear eats healthy, she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t smoke and she’s in shape. Why the hell could she have cancer? It makes me angry. I don’t know how to deal with the rush of emotion that I have running through my body right now. I’m angry and sad, fearful yet hopeful, scared yet confused. I’m a smoker, I drink, I was overweight up until recently, and I don’t really eat that healthy. Yet I’m fine. I appreciate I have age on my side, but it’s not fair. She’s my Mama and without her, I don’t know how I would survive. She is my rock, my best friend, my Mother and my everything. The thought of her possibly having this killer is terrifying and I don’t know what to do.

I comforted her of course – it’s probably nothing, the Doctor’s have to test for everything, don’t worry yourself about it, just wait for the results and we’ll take it from there… blah blah blah. She has convinced herself that she has it, and I can’t seem to find the strength to put the right amount of conviction in my voice to tell her that she is going to be OK. I realized – I could deal with anything with her right by my side, but without her, I’d fall apart.

So for now, we wait. We wait a long and painful weekend until we get the results that hopefully, tell her she is overreacting. I’m dreading that phone call from her. Monday morning, right before I have to go to work. I’m hoping if its bad news, I can keep myself together for long enough to convince her that we will be OK, and she WILL pull through this. She has to – she’s my Mama.

Then there is my Sister. She is a sensitive soul and we have decided not to tell anyone about this until we know the results for sure from the Doctors on Monday. This would cripple my Sister. She is even more dependent on our Mother than I am. She lives with her. This is not a conversation I am going to enjoy having.

I know we are probably overreacting, but when someone says that “C” word to you – the only thing you can think about is how you are going to lose the one person that means more to you than anyone else in the world. I just hope the results are good – ones that we want to hear…. It’s strange though, because of all the things I have running through my head right now, I can’t seem to be able to put them down in words, and normally that’s the one thing that helps me get through stuff. Right now, I have so many things in my head; I can’t make sense of it all.

So, keep your fingers tightly crossed for us. I know I sure as hell will be. And if there is a God, which I’m not even sure of, he answers my secret prayers and let’s my beautiful Mama be OK xoxoxo

Melancholy nostalgia….

Tonight I am feeling melancholy. I got home from work, smoked a doobie and to be honest, I’m feeling kinda sad today. I don’t even know really.

Actually, I think I do know what it is. It’s loneliness. I may love to laugh, joke around and generally be obsessed with sex but in reality, I’m just a little girl in a big world looking for her happy ending. I think about all the guys I left behind… I’m doing that right now. The hubby with his wandering cock and anger problem, the big love with the beautiful face and the coke problem, the lapdog with the amazing sex and the stalker problem. All of these guys had a massive impact on me in one way or another, and although I may have come far with regards to how much dignity I try and hold up, or how little I will put up with shit, I’m still no closer to finding the fairytale ending that everyone tells me I deserve.

I miss my big love. I miss it at times like this when I’m feeling blue. He hurt me more than anyone else, and in reality, I guess he didn’t really do anything wrong. Even despite the tears I cried and the lonely nights I spent on the couch, I’d give anything to be back there. Not all the time, of course, just at times like this.

I miss the way our bed felt with him in it. He was always warm in bed, and as much as I used to hate his snoring with a passion, it was comforting to know he was there. I never once thought the one thing I hated about him more than anything else would end up being the one thing about him I find myself missing the most. That and the way his arms felt around me. I remember this one time that I was crying so hard, I wasn’t really making a noise anymore; I was just shaking all over, and dribbling all the over the place. Anyway, he gave me the biggest cuddle. He pulled me onto his lap, wrapped his arms around me, and just held me without saying a word for what felt like eternity. He made me feel safe. The zombie apocalypse; he’d have saved me from that for sure.

He had a new girlfriend in no time after I left, but I don’t think he’s that into it to be honest. I know what he’s like in love and he likes to shout about it, especially on Facebook. She’s very clearly into him, but yet there is nothing back the other way. Maybe I’m wrong, I just think he had something to prove once I’d gone. She was it.

I stalk him in Facebook sometimes. It rips me to shreds and I don’t know why I do it to myself. I’m kinda waiting for the day he leaves her. I’m not sure why – I doubt he’d even think about me. But it would make me feel better for sure!

I miss the lapdog too. He’s happy with the Bitch. I’m glad, I really am. At the same time though, I hate it. I know I have my current guy; the one I’m trying to get rid of. Last night he really made me smile. I don’t know if it’s because I hadn’t seem him in a while, but the sex was epic (he tied me up and blindfolded me) and I thought he looked cute. He had his hair different and I really liked it. I actually had a good time with him. And then this morning I realised again that I’m still not that into him. Not even spending the night in his ‘nook’ – the bit where his armpit meets his chest, and your head just fits perfectly. He did wake me up at 5am for sex though. Idiot. He knows I’m not a morning person. And when I got home from work, he’d left his cup in my room and not bothered to clean up after himself. Huff!

I guess I’m just having a bad day. A bad day that would have been perfectly fixed by a good cuddle from a man I adore….

Why do I want what I can’t have?

There’s a guy. Of course there is, there is always a guy. He is number 15 in my list of guys from the post – What’s Your Number? He is my lapdog; the one that I love but hate at the same time.

As mentioned before, we love each other to death, but in the relationship sense, we just don’t work. I can’t commit, probably because I’m still pining for the big love, (Number 29) and he turns stalker-esque every time we even try to date. By stalker-esque I mean posting candy bars through my letter box anonymously, writing me six page handwritten letters…. Etc. We dated around 7 years ago – he turned stalker-esque, we broke up, I got married and then moved away. We had no contact for around 4 years, got back in contact and now we are friends. When I came back from the other side of the world, we started seeing each other again; friends with benefits. That’s where it all began…

The thing is we had a big falling out recently because I didn’t want a relationship with him. We were practically in a relationship anyway – the only thing that was missing was the status on Facebook. His family always saw us together, my family always saw us together, our friends knew we were FWB – friends with benefits, etc. Anyway, I wasn’t looking for a relationship and he became too heavy duty, so we had a big fight and stopped talking for a little while. Again. Then I met my current guy, (the one that is getting too hardcore now, and I am in the process of trying to get rid of) and obviously, this confused the lapdog because I’m now in a relationship, even on Facebook, just a few weeks after I said I didn’t want to be. I can understand his annoyance wholeheartedly, but in all fairness, how are you meant to tell someone that you can’t be in a relationship with them because they are downright crazy?

Anyway, that’s the back story pretty much done. We have started talking again and he now has a new girlfriend – get’s him off my back, right? You’d think I would be happy. Of course I’m not; I’m a girl and we are never happy. Now he has this girlfriend; within a week of their first date they were in a relationship on Facebook! He calls her the same nickname he used to call me – “My Beautiful”, and he has even put pictures up on the site in EXACTLY the same poses as we had together! This has completely gripped my shit. Yes, I understand that I didn’t want him and pretty much kicked him to the curb, but now he has someone else, I’m feeling a pang of something…. Could this be the green eyed monster making an ugly appearance?

Now, don’t get me wrong – I know exactly how much of a crazy bitch I sound right now. This guy stalked me. He would not leave me alone. The thing is we have been friend/FWB’s/whatever you want to call it for so long now, it just doesn’t feel right when we are not. I adore the guy. I do love him. It’s just bad timing. Now he has this other girl, for now we will call her the Bitch, I want my stalker back! Just in case you are confused, let me just give you the pros and cons for this guy so that you can better understand my dilemma:

The pros:

  • He kisses exactly how I would want a guy to kiss. When he kisses me, my legs buckle and all I can think about is taking his clothes off.
  • His cock is perfect. In every single teeny tiny little way. It has the perfect length, the perfect girth, it does things to me that I don’t understand. Even his tongue is perfect. And his fingers. This guy gives me some of the most brilliant sex I have ever had, and he is adventurous too! The car, the bed, the stairs, the garage… Oh my fucking god! I remember giving him head in his garage once; he came all over my face, and wow! It was the most perfect moment I have ever had. He looked so happy, and I felt like the sexiest woman in the world.
  • He spoils me. Nothing is too much for him, especially when it comes to me. He’d drive to the other side of the country for me, he’d buy me everything and anything I asked for, he’d spend hours just playing with my body with no expectations of getting anything back in return.
  • He is damn funny! He makes me laugh, giggle, pee my pants…. I’m convincing myself that this guy is perfect for me right now.
  • I love his family. Like adore his family. And I think they kinda love me too.

Now for the cons:

  • I used to think he wasn’t muscle enough for me, but my current guy is the skinniest thing that I have ever been to bed with, and now I crave the wee man muscles that the lapdog has.
  • He is obsessed with his car. The thing is he actually incorporates me into this with something I actually understand – sex. This is how he explains stuff to me. He explains something and then tells me how we can fuck on it, how it would vibrate while we are fucking, how it would sound better when we are fucking….
  • He is younger than me. I hate that. 2 years. Is it really that big a deal?
  • He lives at home. So do I but I just moved back from the other side of the world so that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it.
  • He is always broke. Student debts, his car, etc. all mount up and although the money thing doesn’t apply to me because he still goes out of his way to make sure that we can do things together, and he still spoils me, I hate how broke he is.
  • He’s dyslexic – I hate men that can’t spell.
  • Sometimes his breath smells. I’m hitting the bottom of the barrel now. It’s because he smokes. I’m a smoker too but I always have gum or mints. I am a non-smoking smoker – I hate the way it smells, tastes, etc.
  • He does things on purpose to piss me off. The picture of him and the Bitch on Facebook, the calling her the same name he used to call me, he texts me and tells me things about them that I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR!!!
  • He is too full on – he wants me around all the time, and when I don’t want to be around, or can’t be around, he wonders where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m fucking… he’s pretty paranoid but past relationships have done this to him and I know this.
  • He texts me ALL THE TIME! It’s exhausting texting a man that often. It drives me nuts. What’s the point in us seeing each other in the evening if all I have done all day is tell you every exact moment of my day! I understand a few texts; I can deal with that, but all day every day? Too much!

I guess when you think about it, the pros kind of outweigh the cons, especially when you take a look at what I’m really looking for in a man… Maybe I was too hasty in throwing this man away? Maybe I should have just given him a chance to begin with and I wouldn’t be trying to get rid of the man I’m with now, or feeling jealous about the lapdog with the Bitch. So what do I do now? Should I tell him how I feel or just shut up and get over it? He told me just the other night that he loves me and will always have a place in my heart for me….. The thing is will I get him back and then get freaked out all over again, thus ruining his chances of happiness with the Bitch? Maybe laying in wait for them to break up is my only option. After all, I made my bed and I should probably just lie in it! Without or without him and his great sex!

I inspired someone!

I inspired this wonderful lady to start her list and figure out her number…. I dare you to do the same!

The Graceful Eruption

Well I will first start by saying I am an extremely sexual person, and have thus spent a large portion of my life trying to wrap my brain around this. I have gone back and forth from being totally accepting of this trait, and owning it (you know, MY BODY, my power shit), to then really wanting to change my sexual behavior because it is not ‘normal’ or what not.

I think as a topic, sex can’t get old and that is why there is so much damn literature around it. I have been thinking of the idea to write about some of my sexual partners, when I came across this blog post

What’s Your Number, By Not So Sex In The City

 

Who inspired me, because her post was damn interesting. This goes back to my last post in asking, do I make this anonymous? Because we’re going…

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What Do I Want in a Man?

So… following on from my previous post about the man so beautiful, I thought my heart was going to stop, I decided to give you a little update. He might look beautiful, but quite frankly, he has the personality of a kipper. A couple of days of texting, and he amuses me about as much as an empty can of tuna. It just goes to show; all the beautiful people really are dull. Huff!

He texted me last night, requesting my assistance to save him from a rather drunken night out, and I realized two things. Firstly, his lack of correct grammar, punctuation and spelling positively irritated me. Secondly, he may be beautiful but not even my vagina could persuade me to go save him in all his drunken glory for a night that probably would have been downright disappointing. Let’s be honest; if he couldn’t even spell the word “Love”, how on earth was he going to make it to me? Not that I’m looking for love, of course, more like a good fucking, but I’m sure you understand my point.

So, I have come to the conclusion that he may be beautiful, and I may lust after him, but it is probably something best left to the “sank bank”. You know – the little space in your head reserved for those men that got away, that you can imagine being fabulous in the bedroom. It’s a shame, and in all fairness, I probably will still consider “tapping that” should the situation arise before he moves away in … 5 days now I believe.

Anyway, this got me to thinking of what EXACTLY I was looking for in a man, and so far, I have come up with the following:

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  • He must be able to spell. I want a man that actually went to school and not someone that actually texts the words “Sup bbe, whatcha up2?” This sentence doesn’t make sense, nor do I want to confuse my little mind in trying to make sense of it.
  • I want a man that looks good. He doesn’t have to be perfect, and in actual fact, I love imperfections. My last big love had a cleft lip and I found it adorable. He does have to be good looking in my mind though – dark hair, nice eyes, a pretty smile preferably with nice, white, shiny teeth, tall with some kind of body definition, tattoos and the odd piercing. I love a man that has gone through some pain – the more tattoo’s, the better in my opinion. He should also have good style – no track pants and baggy tee’s for me, thank you very much!
  • I want a man that is a MAN. This almost ties in with one of my earlier posts – am I looking for a father figure? In guess in reality, I kind of am. I want a man that can look after me in some respects, even though I am more than capable of looking after myself. He should be more than capable of saving me from a zombie apocalypse.
  • I also want a man with a good personality – if he can make me laugh until I pee my pants, I’m sold! He should like some of the things I like – music, films, etc. but at the same time, he should have his own interests so that we always have something new and exciting to talk about.
  • I need a man that challenges me, both in and out of the bedroom. Otherwise I am just going to get bored. I love adrenaline exercises – I have jumped out of a plane, I have moved across to the other side of the world on a whim, I worked in a war zone for 6 months just because I could; I am always looking for a new adventure. He should be just as adventurous as me, but at the same time, not steal my thunder.
  • He can’t be a lapdog. This goes without saying – lapdogs bore me. I want a man that keeps me on my toes, in a good way, and again, challenges me.
  • They must enjoy sex. This means the good sex, not the “vanilla” sex. As discussed in previous posts, “vanilla” sex just bores me. At the same time however, I want him to give me as much head as I give him, want anal every now and again, has a decently sized penis, and kisses like a pro.
  • Money is not important to me, but I would prefer a man that at least has a job. I don’t need expensive things; I want expensive things. At the same time though, I don’t want to rely on a man to buy me said things – I would love to treat him just as much as he treats me. Expensive shoes are not an option – I want them, however, I will spend exactly the same right back.

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This list may seem a little extensive, and I do appreciate that there is no such thing as perfect, but I could compromise on a few things. Appearances, for example, are not that important to me. I could settle for a half decent looking man, rather than a beautiful man, if he could give me the kind of sex I wanted, and also knew how to make me laugh. At the same time, I could settle for half decent in bed as long as the kisses were right, simply because I know in time, I could train him. Or hope to anyway. Most of my points are “compromisable” in some way or another, which I think, lowers my standards to make real love, or at the very least, real lust much more achievable.

In reality, I think I have already met the man that was right for me, and I guess we kind of screwed that up. That doesn’t mean that I am not hopeful for a better man in the future, but when I think about it, I get sad because I had everything I wanted in the perfect little package, and somehow it fell completely to pieces. Even to this day, six months later, he is still everything I want in a man and more… I just wish it could have lasted a little bit longer than it did. I put it down to bad timing – we were both rebounding and had too many issues to deal with. Seeing as I am getting teary just thinking about, we had better make this another story for another day….

*Photos Supplied by Free Digital Photos